Women's experience of autism

It took me 30 years to realize what I felt in my childhood. I was unable to communicate my needs, I cried but couldn’t say why and nobody really cared to ask questions or listen to me, I was also afraid of bothering anyone or making them angry. I have no idea which issue it is, or both. I obviously had no therapy and I was only told that I’m the problem and need to fix myself (without guidance, how). It’s an interesting way of coping with lack of opinion. If I have opportunity, I will try it. Often I’m like just do what you want, don’t ask me irrelevant questions, I feel lost if I have to decide about something that is not really important for me. 

I have the same problem with make-up and don't wear any, I don't even own any, people can get very weird about it too. It could be alexythemia, but it could also be that you've not learned to recognise your feelings or act on them because you've become used to not being heard? FOr such a usually opinionated person there are some things I genuinely don't have an opinion or strong feeling about, I usually mask this by asking questions around the the subject I'm being asked about. It might not be that I'm particulalry interested in the answer but that I want to give myself some time to think about how I wish to respond, often based on the tone and body language fo the person asking me. If they're hostile I might just decide I'm going to give a bland answer because I don't want the agro of answering more strongly, but sometimes they will say something thats like a red rag to a bull and I'll come out bellowing, or I'll gently wind them up.

I’m able to say no, I started being assertive some few years ago, but it may be the issue. It’s just people often not treating me seriously (at work for example) I often don’t have any strong opinion or preference, so I don’t mind doing something that is suggested, if I do it too often, then I come across like this. I also have problems identifying my own emotions (probably alexythemia) You are right, I often see the beauty of this world and beauty of other people, as they are, naturally. I also see when people are fake and I hate it so I avoid having interaction with such people. Another thing is that I’m in my middle thirties but often being mistaken for middle twenties, that I look younger,  have childlike face and kinda basic style because most important is how the clothes feel on me. I hate having make up on my face so I usually don’t have any or maybe little mascara (even this also irritates me). Make up usually causes me some skin problems such as rash or pimples, so looks like most of the cosmetics are not made for me. 

AA, sounds like you need to learn to stand in your own power, maybe something like assertiveness training would help? Theres nothing wrong with being innocent, think of the alternatives, cynicism, world weariness, judging others negatively all the time. Innocent people see the beauty of the world around them, thats worth hanging on to, but maybe you need to develop a BS detector as well as learning to say no, this is where assertiveness training could help.

Exactly, I was always told that I behave like a little, obedient girl. And unfortunately treated not seriously. Now I’m in my middle thirties and it makes me worried when I hear again that I’m so innocent like a girl. I think I should speak to a therapist about it… I was taken advantage of many times. 

I think some of the above are fairly true, but some a bit outdated, I think that autistic girls may use fiction or  things like celebritites and soaps as guides for how to behave and act and also to feel included. I know I did as a child and teenager.

I used to sew a lot when I was a child, I'd make endless place mats, all the same, with the same stitches in the same place and order and got really upset if anyone tried to make me change it. I'm like that with a few things, I repeat them over and over, but I can rarely get them "right", not that I have any real idea of what right is.

I certainly got in trouble with heirarchies and still do, I refuse to believe that anyone is fundamentally better than me, they may be more knowlegable and I may wish to learn from them. I get loads of problems with men over this, so many seem to expect instant deference and I don't give it, I don't know how to give it, even if I wanted to which I don't. I either seem to not recognise that there is a heirarchy or I can see it and decide not to play and NT's hate having their little social games exposed. I think a big underlying problem for girls being diagnosed is because a lot of the behaviours exhibited by autstistic women and girls are ones that happen to be valued by patriarchal society. Being quiet and shy and being good at sitting on a corner reading a book and not getting involved in gossip and stuff are still unconciously favoured by a lot of men and I think women and girls have suffered from this bias, often unconcious, for decades.

Sexism is just as pampant among autistic people as the rest of society, just because men might want to sleep with you, dosen't make you popular, or mean that they want to have relationships with you or anything else, men often use sex as a way of taking a womans power away from her, you become a thing to be taken and of no real value. The fact that you maybe be happy to engage in sex because of your own sexual needs is beside the point, there are still many who don't really believe that women have sexual desires or needs. I think sex and relationships are hard for everyone and harder still for autistic women to navigate, as we still sufer from being called things like a slag if we like sex and have multiple partners and then on accused of lesbianisn if we say no to a particular man or men.

I wonder if a fantasy world of witches and fairies is attractive to girls because they're often places where women are powerful and respected?

I'll stop now or I'll write a dissertation on the subject. But I will not be surprised to get some flak for this post, especially from the guys if they read it, it's the usual repsonse and often a boring one!

I relate a lot with a little exception- my special interests in childhood were more like male stereotypical - trams and magnets. But also Barbie dolls, I didn’t play them, I just created for them - dollhouses, clothes etc. I could also read encyclopaedia for hours just for pleasure. Otherwise I had a very rich inner world, imagination, if I liked some movie, I imagined that I was in that world. With girls I felt lost and often insecure because they bullied me and I felt like I called it that they had some secret language hidden behind words that only they understood but I couldn’t and I was always left behind. I also lacked malice and ability to compete with them which combined with blindness to social cues made me vulnerable. I have only one lifelong friend for 20 years already. She was the only one who didn’t ask me to go for parties, shopping restaurants etc - places I hate and feel bad at. We had great time like hiking, swimming, bicycle rides etc. there are always some activities with her so I don’t have to spend too much energy on analysing and decoding the conversations. I tried to make some more friendships but it failed and then I decided I don’t need anyone else, I’m fine as I am. I have some repetitive behaviours, such as pacing room with a music on earphones, or without music just in silence, I also stem with my hands, twirl fingers, do the rocking. The main reason I went undiagnosed was my mom refusing to get me tested, as the teacher suggested. She said that I’m normal just like her. Till today she says that we are the normal ones and the rest of the world is crazy like a whirlwind. I also feel that way. 

I thought I'd bump this back up again (I am the 'deleted user' O/P).

Quality over quantity any day of the week!

Luftmentsch said:

Jewish culture is not macho at all, or sporty. It's focused primarily on intellectual pursuits.

That sounds really good, like a breath of fresh air actually, and I assume is more likely to produce 'gentle' males.

Interesting re the dating too.

Jewish culture is not macho at all, or sporty. It's focused primarily on intellectual pursuits. The Orthodox Jewish community handles dating very differently too, so there's no real emphasis on being able to chat up random strangers.

out_of_step said:

Friendships are very much on my terms and I run a mile if it's imposed on me.

Interesting.

True of me too.

I do find people being friendly towards me, even nowadays, when I have little social contact, but I tend to withdraw.

In fact, one of my junior school reports actually said (memory here): 'Debra will enjoy spending time with her few chosen friends'.

I threw away all my school reports, which is rather a pity, as when I was young, teachers weren't adverse to being blunt.

Their comments could have been quite enlightening with regard to autism.

Thank you for sharing.

I need to add that this has all still taken hard graft.

I've been really lucky in the people I've had in my life from mid teens. I've tended to gravitate towards similar people. The ones who were not have flaked away. It seems that people who I have clicked with right away become lifelong friends of mine, the ones who have taken any kind of "work" have not lasted. The women I have in my life are not conventional and pretty open minded so there's usually a bond that way. Friendships are very much on my terms and I run a mile if it's imposed on me. I tend to get on better with women who are more direct and also men. It's just easier with less nuance. 

battybats said:

There's so much less pressure and judgement when you're ALL the weirdos

I like that.

When I was 18 I moved into a flat of gay and bisexual men.

I remember that as a good time - quite a contrast from what I'd experienced before.

I'm glad the treatment is working.

I've never had a very good relationship with my nether regions - there has always been some kind of issue, including now.

I think in some ways getting older as a woman is having quite a positive effect in distancing me further and further (as time goes by) from sex and sexuality.

I really struggled to connect with other girls growing up, yes, and I struggle to connect with a lot of women even now. I think a lot of it is that I can't keep up with the social *rules* and don't care to keep up with the social *norms*. I wasn't going to have a big white wedding and then have a baby, for example, and some women think that my choice not to do it is an attack on their choice to do it, when I'm actually just going "not for me thanks" and minding my own business. I imagine the whole 'flat affect and blunt statements' issue doesn't help!

It's definitely easier now than it used to be, though. I have four close friends- three women and one non-binary person who was raised as a girl- and everyone within our little group is neurodivergent, queer, or both. There's so much less pressure and judgement when you're ALL the weirdos

I have vaginismus as well! Mine is due to endometriosis causing muscle issues- I'm asexual and don't have any strong enough feelings about intimacy for that to make any difference  the treatment is working for me as well though, which is the main thing.

Girls are more socially inclined and many have one special friend.

When I was a child I had one friend, a boy, until the age of 12.

Then I had one friend until I left home and went to live in a shared flat.

There was quite a social life within the flat, but I found living with a group of people hard.

I've maintained a couple of friendships, one male, one female.

However, I've never felt accepted by women and in actual fact, have never wanted to be.

I have had a few very close 'friendships' with women, but generaly I have I felt very much outside of every female group (apart from to some degree, here).

I was bullied throughout my school and working life, and it was always by females, so it's led to a distrust of females.

I think part of it may have been a bit of jealousy due to my looks BUT I now feel that the vast majority was due to being so very different.

I am wondering if this is similar to anyone else's experience?

Homebird said:

Now I know why things were a challenge at times and there is a reason, I have given myself permission to not strive so much to be like others and do things I am comfortable with.

Absolutely!

My experience too