Daughter in year 11 no plans for future

My daughter is about to undertake her GCSEs and we have just been accepted for an EHCP but no draft in place at the moment.

it looks as though my daughter will fail her GCSEs as she refuses to do revision homework or go to class. 
Everytime I discuss leaving school she blanks me out and there are not many options anyway.

i think failing her GCSEs might be good so she can have a purpose going to college but for now I do not have a clue where to turn or what to do!!

  • Hi. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My son is doing GCSES too and probably is unlikely to pass any. He does very little revision but it must be hard if exams are so difficult anyway and he struggles to retain information. He is intending to go to college and can do Maths and English. He has no idea what he will do after so just aiming to make it to college at the moment and where he can learn some life skills, but the motivation has to come from him.

  • Maybe a good starting point to get closer to your daughter would be offering her doing her favorite activity together (I don’t know what it is and if it’s possible) but maybe she would open up more if she sees your interest in her favorite things. In fact when I was a kid, I hid a lot of them, for example trams. I could sit hours in a library and study the history of trams in my city, technological development, tram routes, new models etc. then at home I loved to imagine that I have my own city and I have to plan the public transport in it. So I did, it took me hours, I sat alone and drew it, planned, made calculations, there was full plan, infrastructure, timetables, etc. nobody knew about it, because it was my top secret as I was terribly ashamed for having such interest. I thought it was not normal for a 8-9 year old girl. But there were also other activities that I liked to do, for example playing checkers or some strategic games.

  • What a lucky girl who has parents who care about her and are worried about her future.

    My personal experience was very different.  My father was constantly ranting that I was stupid and the shame of the family, who mustn't go to school because I was too stupid for school and we must never be seen together in public.  My mother was repeatedly insisting that I stay at home and not leave the house.

  • I love your reply. I'm 63 and I don't know what I want to do when I grow up either! I left school with mostly poor grades, got better grades at college but couldn't transfer that knowledge into a work environment, (I trained as a chef to please my family) I've drastically underachieved all my life. Just coasted along but I managed to carve out a life that I can cope with. 

  • from nothing to everything in the blink of an eye.

    I really hope so thank you

  • I will try it’s hard she’s become my hyper focus at the minute as she is struggling 

  • Yes to do English and maths gcse 

  • In very private circles, I sometimes whisper that it feels like my autistic daughter is in a zombie state, a kind of living suicide note. Refusing to show her face, refusing to engage in any way, refusing to live any kind of life, refusing to prepare for her upcoming GCSE's or to talk about it to anyone.

    Whenever I get the chance to speak to her which is not often because she locks herself in the bathroom for literally hours on end, I tell her I lover her, that it is not her fault and for the rest of my life I will love her and look after her.

    When eventually she is ready, able and willing to engage with me, the transference of my benightment will slowly but surely take place, as it is doing for her autistic younger brother, and everything will end up ok. 

  • I wandered and finally went to college at age 25.


  • Everytime I discuss leaving school she blanks me out and there are not many options anyway.

    Ultimately she has to make the choices and face the consequences.

    I would suggest laying out what the consequences are, preferrably with the help of someone she does listen to. Point out that when she can no longer continue education then she needs to get a job to pay for her rent.

    Point out the obligations of being a stay-at-home unemployed person will be if she stay with you. Make sure a token rent is taken from her benefits (my parents always insisted in 40% of my take home pay when I was at home) and give her some time consuming chores to subsidise the rest of her upkeep.

    Making her realise that it isn't a free ride and that she has to break a sweat one in a while should give her some impetus to look at alternatives.

    i think failing her GCSEs might be good so she can have a purpose going to college

    Can she even get into college without grades?

  • Give her time there is no hurry x

  • I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up and I'm 62 now, I left school with no qualifications, but have since gone on to get a degree in mediaeval history, an NVQ2 hairdressing, a counselling course, learnt to drive and retreat lead. To be honest I think theres to much pressure put on young people to decide things like what they want to do in life, they've hardly lived, how can they plan for the next 50 years? School dosen't provide much in the way of vocational experience either, watching as many cooking programes as I do , I'm always amazed at the number of successful chefs some with michelin stars who have little formal education. Maybe you need ot take a breath and let both you nad your daughter breathe.

  • gcse's dont matter so no need to sweat over them, i likely got the worst gcse's in the world... you all thought grade f was the lowest joke grade nobody got and grade c's were the general accepted lowest none joke grades? .... i got a grade G in a subject and my highest grade was a grade C and i only got one of those and that was in french and i cant even speak french lmao

    i never wanted to do anything, never had purpose... i still kinda dont but in my 30s i ran into a bit of luck and rode a wave of luck and all my training i did led me to push on and keep my job that honestly i dont want but i struggle on and keep it. got my own place, plan to suffer my unwanted job for 20 more years for full state pension...  if you asked me what i want to do its still nothing... and i suppose this is common sense, i just wanna be able to live without working and be left alone to play games and keep myself distracted.

    it maybe important to give your daughter space and let her work things out, a external force pressuring her into stuff may end up resisting that and going opposite way to equally push against the direction shes being pushed, it may also hold her back more. my dad always tried to push me into work and education and so on and it didnt end well and likely made me more wanting to stay locked in my room and not bother. only when left alone without pressure, i could think and plan myself, it may take a long time as all good plans take time and you cant be hasty or mistakes will be made, but eventually your daughter will likely make the right decision for herself when under no pressure. even if it takes time... then when the time is right it will all fall into place. from nothing to everything in the blink of an eye.

  • Hello ,

    I'm sorry to that that you're struggling with knowing how t support your daughter with her education. 

    Please visit our online advice and guidance which explains more about getting extra help in school, assessments, education plans, reviews and school transport.  

    Extra help at school in England  


    If you require further support, you may like to contact the following organisations:  




    • Enquire provide advice about additional support for learning for children attending school https://enquire.org.uk/   



    Northern Ireland  

    The Children’s Law Centre provides a free legal advice service and legal representation for children and young people.  

    The NI Commissioner for Children and Young People (NICCY) and their work is focused on making sure children and young people have access to their rights in their day-to-day lives, so they have the best opportunity to reach their full potential.  



    • Every local area has a Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Information Advice and Support Service (SENDIASS) that can provide information, advice and support to parents and carers of children and young people with SEND, including on exclusions.   


    • Independent Provider of Special Education Advice (IPSEA) is a registered charity that offers free and independent information, advice and support to help get the right education for children and young people with all kinds of SEND.  


    •  Coram’s Child Law Advice service can be accessed through their website or contacted on 0300 330 5485 from Monday to Friday, 8am – 6pm.   


    • SOS!SEN offers a free, term-time, national helpline, staffed by a team of volunteers, to provide next step advice and support on questions and issues parents may have relating to their child’s SEN provision.  Their helpline number is 0208 538 3731 

     I hope this helps,