Autism or neglect?

The thing that is concerning is that she's making all these diagnoses herself towards a child, who may or may not actually be autistic.

She seems to have some type of distrust/paranoia about institutional structures like schools, doctors, and so on, because she might have some type of past trauma of those places, or maybe it's because they might possibly destroy the world that she's set up for her and her son?

I mean if her son was ever officially tested by a school he'd never pass because of his lack of reading and writing skills, and if he went to a doctor he might not be officially diagnosed with autism or any other form of disability, and she'd have to be held liable for that.

I mean this mother stages photos to look like he can read and write, which is an act of deceit, so who knows what else she may be trying to con people about. 

What this mother is doing does not sound healthy. I mean maybe her husband earns enough money for the entire family, so that the mother does not need to work, but if he's kicked out of his bed so that the mother and son can sleep there, that's just... really weird. And this mother seems to be controlling everything as much as possible, orchestrating everything, manipulating everything, so that the world is how she says it is, and she's against anything that can tell her otherwise. That's not healthy. 

I mean her son might be okay getting his mom to cater to his every whim, but he's not going to grow up with a healthy mindset either. No one likes being around someone that is selfish and demanding, and he'll be a really big handful as an adult. 

If her son has autism, that's okay, so why not get some assistance from the school and the doctors then? I can't see how they could harm her child any more than what she's doing. 

Ruin whose lives?  The mother is an adult - the focus needs to be on the welfare of the child. Abuse is not just physical cruelty. Failing to meet a child's developmental needs is neglect. There could also be elements of psychological/emotional abuse. Contact children's services. If you don't want to contact social services talk to the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000

Hi. Could be autism, but it sounds concerning to me either way. I have worked with children for 20 years and strongly feel this needs a referral to local social care which can be done anonymously. They are there to support not to rush in and remove children. This may be just what this family needs. If the mother has nothing to worry about she should have no concerns. Hope this works out for them but imagine how you would feel if you did not act and this child was being abused. Another option would be to contact NSPCC. 

As someone who works in an environment where I have to keep up-to-date with Safeguarding and have interactions with Adult Social Care and Social Services, there is a duty of care to report anything like this, should I come across it.

I am aware the same onus is not expected from the public and it is down to the individual to make that decision themselves and make those reports based on their own perception of the situation.

I think you should report this to the Local Social Services, at the end of the day I don't think the mother is capable of looking after the child without intervention from the local authority and it is unfair on the child for this to continue.

I would feel very reluctant to phone social services about this person - you might ruin their lives by doing so. Are you sure that no services at all are aware of this family? They might be but perhaps you don’t realise. I admit it does sound concerning - but unless you are sure there is cruelty of some kind I would be reluctant to make that call.

I think that people are only suggesting that the situation be investigated by the relevant authorities. If there is nothing awry, then nothing will change. If there is something happening that is definitely detrimental to the welfare of the child, then it can be addressed. Believing the best about everyone is sometimes not the correct approach. The fact that the mother seems to be avoiding medical and educational interactions for her son is suspicious. Diagnosing an offspring with a neurodevelopmental condition as a layperson and not following this up by seeking a clinical diagnosis is suspicious.

Hi

Just had to say. Maybe his mother has read a lot and understands that mainstream school has its downsides and that by unschooling she can follow his lead. The non reading may be dyslexia.

Toileting and how he sleeps are none of your or my business.

Honestly just read this and feel bad for her, way to make her feel possibly more isolated by judging her. If he’s happy I don’t see any issue. My son is autistic and she seems pretty good and prepared by what you say.

how about you keep it friendly and less judgemental xx

If the mother has psychological problems that are directly adversely affecting the development and life chances of her child, then they both need help. If the psychological problems of the mother preclude her from recognising that she is harming her child, then third-party intervention is necessary and unavoidable. From what has been said, it appears that the chid is capable of being educated in a school, mainstream or not, and that he is being artificially infantilised and subjected to unreasonable levels of control.

What you have described is a safeguarding issue. Bring it up with the local authority. 

I have said previously that this women has a dangerous personality disorder. it not Munchausen's it complex personality disorder.     

It isn't discussing someone who isn't here to defend themselves, it's discussing at what point does a bystander enable neglect by remaining silent. It's asking what is usual for an autistic child, which seems to be very unclear and only professionally assessed.

I have known this woman many years and the parents raising concerns even longer. What makes you think we don't talk to her? What makes you think we haven't tried to push her towards support? We wouldn't know as much as we do if we didn't. We know she refuses support for her son because the words have come out of her mouth. We know she hasn't sought professional diagnosis because she has said it herself. We know she avoids anything relating to her child being seen by professionals because she tells us. We know she doesn't educate because she is openly anti education, describing herself as an unschooler. We also know something is odd about her and her sons behaviour, because she has been around us on a weekly basis for many years. Some of us have had meet ups with just her child and our own children. Some of us have provided very practical support, but she refuses. 

I really can’t stand everything about this post. Discussing someone who isn’t here to speak up for themselves. It’s wrong. I feel if you have so much of a problem with this mother, and you attend the same groups, why haven’t you spoke to her and asked how she’s doing?  Surely you can make a little conversation and scope the situation further before deciding if and what you need it to do about it?

You cannot assume anything about anyone by the actions that you see just when you are around them. 

No, none of us can know what's going on here, for sure ... but one way or another this kid and this lady need some sort of help, for which reason, I couldn't sit on the concerns.

As are most services we need. :-(

No, this is parent problem not an autism one. It's not neglect, but it is dangerous. It sounds like this mother has a personality disorder and is enabling the her child to be dependant on her so that he will never leave her. Only issue with this is it can develop into a situation where if the child starts to become independent the mother may deliberately sabotage or possible position her child into being venerable. 

Schooling is something very complex, but the mother if homeschooling which means she should be meeting with someone regular to discuss her son's education and show evidence of schooling, there is currently no legal obligation but local authority do check up on home school situations however monitoring needn't take the form of a formal inspection: often, councils are satisfied with a written statement of how you're providing for your child.

If you are concerned you can report it through the local authority (Not social services) and contact the Department of education. 

It's already affecting how he engages with others outside his parent/child relationship, and I have no doubt at all it will affect his friendships and relationships going forward.

All our children are expected to play his games his way or he will tantrum. All our children are expected to give him a warning when they're ready to leave or don't want to play anymore, or the mother comments on how "unreliable" they are. If a child he's used to playing with suddenly wants to play something else he completely ignores them and looks through them like they're invisible, even when they are saying hi and bye. If he isn't getting something out of someone, they don't get acknowledged, perhaps also autism, I honestly don't know. I have never seen him respond to another grown up, he doesn't answer their questions, he doesn't say hi, you'll say hello and he looks at you and blanks you before walking off. But he did take his mother's bank card to a till and request a drink and chips and use the card to pay, so it's not like he's incapable of communicating. It's just only when something is beneficial to him. 

All children can push the boundaries, and try to control parents to get what they want or avoid things - but autistic children can be more challenging in this way, and won't just learn to comply or snap out of a meltdown.  Parenting style can be an important factor, not sure she is neglectful type more permissive - which means the roles are reversed, her sons sets the rules and she is bending life to suit him, (I've witnessed this myself).  That might minimise stress on both sides, but it won't help him later in life.  Its common for parents of autistic to minimise stress, such as homeschooling - but helping him avoid too much is going to make him codependent, if he isn't already.  He needs to be allowed to grow as well.  Also, I'm not sure what the situation is with her partner, is he permissive also of her, or does she trample on him.  

Aspects are neglectful, and perhaps more that is unknown, that is my other worry.

Not only sexual and physical abuse are damaging. Neglect or not getting appropriate support  can be just as damaging. I'm not suggesting that this is what is going on. I do not feel like I have enough information to make a judgment on that. 

It's more than a comment, she is very controlling about who he is allowed to befriend, she'll screen what their interests are and generally tries to push him towards children half his age. Is that normal for autistic children? Is it better for them to play with preschoolers rather than children their own age, he's nearly a teenager. 

Once that call is made, it can't be unmade. Whatever happens will be set in motion, and you do hear some horror stories about social services. At the same time there is something not quite right about this situation, the things she's said and the way she acts, her boys behaviour is peculiar.

Maybe I'm bias? I've friends with children who have aspergers, cerebral palsy, on the autistic scale, ADHD and anxiety disorders and none of them behave like this child and none of the parents act the way she acts.

Maybe she has something undiagnosed. She has everything on her to immediately attend to any needs you could imagine, the slightest fuss and she's got this panicky voice scrambling to prevent him having a tantrum. I have never once heard her correct his behaviour, ask for patience, ask for him to do anything. He dictates to her. He has a great deal of control over what they do and how long they stay. Perhaps it's her with the problems and he's learnt from a young age to make mummy do whatever he wants?! But in turn she's trying to control and limit what he does and learns to keep him more manageable. If it's her with some mental health problems, maybe she finds teaching him overwhelming, easier to say "oh he's autistic".

It's hard to know what is the right thing to do. 

This is what another mother was saying about them, that he's learnt he can just make a fuss and get her to do what he wants. This mother has formally diagnosed children, so knows more about it than me. She says she has spent the last few years avoiding the boys mum because of how intense she is.

She stops him from playing with other children who are his age because she says she doesn't want him exposed to things she feels is "too old" for him. She only wants him playing with 5/6 year old and yet he's ten.

I keep swaying, should I mention it to someone or not?! Is it worth alerting professionals or will it cause more stress for mum?! I just don't know. On the one hand it's not my child, it's none of my business how she sees fit to raise him. On the other hand, if she is using autism to cover neglect, am I enabling by being a silent bystander? I don't think he's being physically or sexually hurt. Maybe it's just a difference of parental views. 

Autism seems to be such a complex disability that is wildly unique to the individual. It's not like being born without two legs so you can't walk, it's like being born with two legs and you can run but you can't walk, if that makes sense. I definitely feel educated.

But I think Google diagnosis is dangerous, using autism sounds like a good cover for neglect because of how unique it is. I know she mentioned not liking her health visitor when he was baby because they commented on how obsessive she was about his weight, they apparently went to visit her every week whilst he was a baby. She said she doesn't trust them, they were very accusing, so avoids contact with doctors etc