Autism or neglect?

I'm becoming increasingly concerned about a young boy I know, he's ten years old and homeschooled. His mother has self diagnosed autism and uses it to excuse his behaviour and his lack of development.

He can verbally communicate like any other 10 year old, understands instructions, can play games requiring rules etc he can control a pen to draw. He plays computer games like minecraft. He walks and runs perfectly well. Plays tennis and swims etc

However, he can't read (at all), he can't write or spell. He still goes in a pushchair. I know from conversations with other parents who know them that his mother still takes him to the bathroom, she bathes him and they share a bed. Whenever I've seen him have a tantrum, she starts panicking saying things like "okay okay we don't have to do that". He freaks out if his needs aren't met instantly, she has several bags with her always, containing spare clothes, medi kit, food, drinks, activities, blanket etc. He tends to ignore adults, but talks fine with other children. The mum has said to another mum she prefers him to have younger friends cause she doesn't want him to grow up too fast. She says she prefers unschooling, and doesn't ever make him do work.

It's very odd, and I fear she's using autism to cover up the fact she's failed to teach him how to read and write. She does everything she can to prevent tantrums, she panders to his behaviour. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it simple.o

I don't know, I'm wondering if parents of actual diagnosed children feel like this is familiar or if something is off. Does this sound like autism or neglect

Parents
  • Blimey! Impossible to know. This whole situation for mother and child needs looking at by someone who seriously knows what they are doing.

    There are all sorts of possibilities here. The kid might be autistic (and possibly dyslexic if he's not reading) and mum is sensibly avoiding over stimulation for him. Or he's not and just manipulating mum 'cos he can.

    Mum might be autistic and actually understanding her autistic child's need, or she could have some sort of MH problem; a bit munchausen??? Who are any of us to know? We can't diagnose and can't comment.

    The one thing though that would have me flag this up with someone as a potential safeguarding thing is that she doesn't seem to want him to grown up...that IS worrying.

Reply
  • Blimey! Impossible to know. This whole situation for mother and child needs looking at by someone who seriously knows what they are doing.

    There are all sorts of possibilities here. The kid might be autistic (and possibly dyslexic if he's not reading) and mum is sensibly avoiding over stimulation for him. Or he's not and just manipulating mum 'cos he can.

    Mum might be autistic and actually understanding her autistic child's need, or she could have some sort of MH problem; a bit munchausen??? Who are any of us to know? We can't diagnose and can't comment.

    The one thing though that would have me flag this up with someone as a potential safeguarding thing is that she doesn't seem to want him to grown up...that IS worrying.

Children
  • This is what another mother was saying about them, that he's learnt he can just make a fuss and get her to do what he wants. This mother has formally diagnosed children, so knows more about it than me. She says she has spent the last few years avoiding the boys mum because of how intense she is.

    She stops him from playing with other children who are his age because she says she doesn't want him exposed to things she feels is "too old" for him. She only wants him playing with 5/6 year old and yet he's ten.

    I keep swaying, should I mention it to someone or not?! Is it worth alerting professionals or will it cause more stress for mum?! I just don't know. On the one hand it's not my child, it's none of my business how she sees fit to raise him. On the other hand, if she is using autism to cover neglect, am I enabling by being a silent bystander? I don't think he's being physically or sexually hurt. Maybe it's just a difference of parental views. 

  • Hi Dawn,

    my initial thought was the same about the mum not wanting him to grow up but then I thought about things I regularly say to my youngest son age 4 such as I wish I could keep you wee forever.

    I say this as I know I won’t have anymore children & all the silly things we get up to are a lot of fun, the years fly by and knowing that I won’t ever experience that again as a mother to a child of my own can be a bit sad at times even though I can’t wait to see him grow up.

    I must say though I wouldn’t intentionally hold my son back but thinking of the things I say maybe the mother made an innocent comment that’s came across a bit odd? Or maybe she’s fearful of his future and the level of care she would need to provide or who would provide that care if she was to die and that’s could also be a reason why she doesn’t want him to grow up. 


    It’s really hard to know but I fully agree that by the sounds of OP post the mother and the boy need support. 

  • Autism has various manifestations. My 12 year old son in mainstream school, can write beautifully, solve maths, is fabulous at drawing original cartoons, but he cannot step out of the house alone, not even cross the threshold of the house, won't answer the door, won't answer phone calls, cannot bathe independently, cannot even fetch himself a glass of water, or help himself to a snack to save his life. One of us had to sleep with him till he was ten. Even now some days he demands that mum or dad sleep with him as he feels scared. All this is because he has severe dyspraxia , anxiety, sensory issues in addition to ASD.  And I can tell you how bad the services are. They only provide lip service. He has an EHCP which is another eye wash.  The school puts him through a lot of nonsense on a regular because staff simply do not know how to treat people with ASD even though they claim to be experts. I feel very angry with the appalling support (or lack of) most of the LAs provide to slightly able kids. I do feel for the lady being discussed. Not sure what kind of experiences she has had to go through. I have definitely not a good experience with the LAs and I know what a lot of money and energy I have wasted only to realise the SEN services are a sham.