Autism or neglect?

I'm becoming increasingly concerned about a young boy I know, he's ten years old and homeschooled. His mother has self diagnosed autism and uses it to excuse his behaviour and his lack of development.

He can verbally communicate like any other 10 year old, understands instructions, can play games requiring rules etc he can control a pen to draw. He plays computer games like minecraft. He walks and runs perfectly well. Plays tennis and swims etc

However, he can't read (at all), he can't write or spell. He still goes in a pushchair. I know from conversations with other parents who know them that his mother still takes him to the bathroom, she bathes him and they share a bed. Whenever I've seen him have a tantrum, she starts panicking saying things like "okay okay we don't have to do that". He freaks out if his needs aren't met instantly, she has several bags with her always, containing spare clothes, medi kit, food, drinks, activities, blanket etc. He tends to ignore adults, but talks fine with other children. The mum has said to another mum she prefers him to have younger friends cause she doesn't want him to grow up too fast. She says she prefers unschooling, and doesn't ever make him do work.

It's very odd, and I fear she's using autism to cover up the fact she's failed to teach him how to read and write. She does everything she can to prevent tantrums, she panders to his behaviour. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it simple.o

I don't know, I'm wondering if parents of actual diagnosed children feel like this is familiar or if something is off. Does this sound like autism or neglect

Parents
  • Blimey! Impossible to know. This whole situation for mother and child needs looking at by someone who seriously knows what they are doing.

    There are all sorts of possibilities here. The kid might be autistic (and possibly dyslexic if he's not reading) and mum is sensibly avoiding over stimulation for him. Or he's not and just manipulating mum 'cos he can.

    Mum might be autistic and actually understanding her autistic child's need, or she could have some sort of MH problem; a bit munchausen??? Who are any of us to know? We can't diagnose and can't comment.

    The one thing though that would have me flag this up with someone as a potential safeguarding thing is that she doesn't seem to want him to grown up...that IS worrying.

  • This is what another mother was saying about them, that he's learnt he can just make a fuss and get her to do what he wants. This mother has formally diagnosed children, so knows more about it than me. She says she has spent the last few years avoiding the boys mum because of how intense she is.

    She stops him from playing with other children who are his age because she says she doesn't want him exposed to things she feels is "too old" for him. She only wants him playing with 5/6 year old and yet he's ten.

    I keep swaying, should I mention it to someone or not?! Is it worth alerting professionals or will it cause more stress for mum?! I just don't know. On the one hand it's not my child, it's none of my business how she sees fit to raise him. On the other hand, if she is using autism to cover neglect, am I enabling by being a silent bystander? I don't think he's being physically or sexually hurt. Maybe it's just a difference of parental views. 

  • All children can push the boundaries, and try to control parents to get what they want or avoid things - but autistic children can be more challenging in this way, and won't just learn to comply or snap out of a meltdown.  Parenting style can be an important factor, not sure she is neglectful type more permissive - which means the roles are reversed, her sons sets the rules and she is bending life to suit him, (I've witnessed this myself).  That might minimise stress on both sides, but it won't help him later in life.  Its common for parents of autistic to minimise stress, such as homeschooling - but helping him avoid too much is going to make him codependent, if he isn't already.  He needs to be allowed to grow as well.  Also, I'm not sure what the situation is with her partner, is he permissive also of her, or does she trample on him.  

    Aspects are neglectful, and perhaps more that is unknown, that is my other worry.

  • It's already affecting how he engages with others outside his parent/child relationship, and I have no doubt at all it will affect his friendships and relationships going forward.

    All our children are expected to play his games his way or he will tantrum. All our children are expected to give him a warning when they're ready to leave or don't want to play anymore, or the mother comments on how "unreliable" they are. If a child he's used to playing with suddenly wants to play something else he completely ignores them and looks through them like they're invisible, even when they are saying hi and bye. If he isn't getting something out of someone, they don't get acknowledged, perhaps also autism, I honestly don't know. I have never seen him respond to another grown up, he doesn't answer their questions, he doesn't say hi, you'll say hello and he looks at you and blanks you before walking off. But he did take his mother's bank card to a till and request a drink and chips and use the card to pay, so it's not like he's incapable of communicating. It's just only when something is beneficial to him. 

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  • It's already affecting how he engages with others outside his parent/child relationship, and I have no doubt at all it will affect his friendships and relationships going forward.

    All our children are expected to play his games his way or he will tantrum. All our children are expected to give him a warning when they're ready to leave or don't want to play anymore, or the mother comments on how "unreliable" they are. If a child he's used to playing with suddenly wants to play something else he completely ignores them and looks through them like they're invisible, even when they are saying hi and bye. If he isn't getting something out of someone, they don't get acknowledged, perhaps also autism, I honestly don't know. I have never seen him respond to another grown up, he doesn't answer their questions, he doesn't say hi, you'll say hello and he looks at you and blanks you before walking off. But he did take his mother's bank card to a till and request a drink and chips and use the card to pay, so it's not like he's incapable of communicating. It's just only when something is beneficial to him. 

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