Autism or neglect?

I'm becoming increasingly concerned about a young boy I know, he's ten years old and homeschooled. His mother has self diagnosed autism and uses it to excuse his behaviour and his lack of development.

He can verbally communicate like any other 10 year old, understands instructions, can play games requiring rules etc he can control a pen to draw. He plays computer games like minecraft. He walks and runs perfectly well. Plays tennis and swims etc

However, he can't read (at all), he can't write or spell. He still goes in a pushchair. I know from conversations with other parents who know them that his mother still takes him to the bathroom, she bathes him and they share a bed. Whenever I've seen him have a tantrum, she starts panicking saying things like "okay okay we don't have to do that". He freaks out if his needs aren't met instantly, she has several bags with her always, containing spare clothes, medi kit, food, drinks, activities, blanket etc. He tends to ignore adults, but talks fine with other children. The mum has said to another mum she prefers him to have younger friends cause she doesn't want him to grow up too fast. She says she prefers unschooling, and doesn't ever make him do work.

It's very odd, and I fear she's using autism to cover up the fact she's failed to teach him how to read and write. She does everything she can to prevent tantrums, she panders to his behaviour. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it simple.o

I don't know, I'm wondering if parents of actual diagnosed children feel like this is familiar or if something is off. Does this sound like autism or neglect

Parents
  • Blimey! Impossible to know. This whole situation for mother and child needs looking at by someone who seriously knows what they are doing.

    There are all sorts of possibilities here. The kid might be autistic (and possibly dyslexic if he's not reading) and mum is sensibly avoiding over stimulation for him. Or he's not and just manipulating mum 'cos he can.

    Mum might be autistic and actually understanding her autistic child's need, or she could have some sort of MH problem; a bit munchausen??? Who are any of us to know? We can't diagnose and can't comment.

    The one thing though that would have me flag this up with someone as a potential safeguarding thing is that she doesn't seem to want him to grown up...that IS worrying.

  • Hi Dawn,

    my initial thought was the same about the mum not wanting him to grow up but then I thought about things I regularly say to my youngest son age 4 such as I wish I could keep you wee forever.

    I say this as I know I won’t have anymore children & all the silly things we get up to are a lot of fun, the years fly by and knowing that I won’t ever experience that again as a mother to a child of my own can be a bit sad at times even though I can’t wait to see him grow up.

    I must say though I wouldn’t intentionally hold my son back but thinking of the things I say maybe the mother made an innocent comment that’s came across a bit odd? Or maybe she’s fearful of his future and the level of care she would need to provide or who would provide that care if she was to die and that’s could also be a reason why she doesn’t want him to grow up. 


    It’s really hard to know but I fully agree that by the sounds of OP post the mother and the boy need support. 

  • It's more than a comment, she is very controlling about who he is allowed to befriend, she'll screen what their interests are and generally tries to push him towards children half his age. Is that normal for autistic children? Is it better for them to play with preschoolers rather than children their own age, he's nearly a teenager. 

    Once that call is made, it can't be unmade. Whatever happens will be set in motion, and you do hear some horror stories about social services. At the same time there is something not quite right about this situation, the things she's said and the way she acts, her boys behaviour is peculiar.

    Maybe I'm bias? I've friends with children who have aspergers, cerebral palsy, on the autistic scale, ADHD and anxiety disorders and none of them behave like this child and none of the parents act the way she acts.

    Maybe she has something undiagnosed. She has everything on her to immediately attend to any needs you could imagine, the slightest fuss and she's got this panicky voice scrambling to prevent him having a tantrum. I have never once heard her correct his behaviour, ask for patience, ask for him to do anything. He dictates to her. He has a great deal of control over what they do and how long they stay. Perhaps it's her with the problems and he's learnt from a young age to make mummy do whatever he wants?! But in turn she's trying to control and limit what he does and learns to keep him more manageable. If it's her with some mental health problems, maybe she finds teaching him overwhelming, easier to say "oh he's autistic".

    It's hard to know what is the right thing to do. 

  • Ruin whose lives?  The mother is an adult - the focus needs to be on the welfare of the child. Abuse is not just physical cruelty. Failing to meet a child's developmental needs is neglect. There could also be elements of psychological/emotional abuse. Contact children's services. If you don't want to contact social services talk to the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000

  • I would feel very reluctant to phone social services about this person - you might ruin their lives by doing so. Are you sure that no services at all are aware of this family? They might be but perhaps you don’t realise. I admit it does sound concerning - but unless you are sure there is cruelty of some kind I would be reluctant to make that call.

Reply
  • I would feel very reluctant to phone social services about this person - you might ruin their lives by doing so. Are you sure that no services at all are aware of this family? They might be but perhaps you don’t realise. I admit it does sound concerning - but unless you are sure there is cruelty of some kind I would be reluctant to make that call.

Children
  • Ruin whose lives?  The mother is an adult - the focus needs to be on the welfare of the child. Abuse is not just physical cruelty. Failing to meet a child's developmental needs is neglect. There could also be elements of psychological/emotional abuse. Contact children's services. If you don't want to contact social services talk to the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000