Father (ex-husband) in denial

Hi there,

my son is eleven and was diagnosed with high functioning autism at 7, being high functioning is good and bad as he can lead a reasonably 'normal' life, yet he surprises people with sudden unusual behaviours, like being terrified of crisps, which you wouldnt expect from such a 'normal' seeming kid! His dad and I split up three years ago and a big part of this was because of how alone I felt in raising our sons and how much he obviously favoured our younger non autistic son. He even said when I told him I was leaving him that he would take one of them with him and move abroad!! He always saw our second son as a second chance to create the son that he couldn't get our first to be, as I had made him 'too awkward' and 'too clingy' to me etc. I had a really hard time accepting that our son had a label, I desperately wanted him to just be a bit quirky! But I did get used to it and nothing changed for me, I just parented  him the same as I always had. My sons and I have a great relationship and their dad is just starting to realise that all he's done is push them both away and he's now trying to make more of an effort, which I push the kids to go with, but I do worry that it's too late.

Hi everyone,

I was doing some research on the net about fathers (ex-husbands) who are in denial and came across this website and found this thread and just burst into tears and I just wanted to thank everyone who contributed as you have made me feel less alone, even though I am here in Australia.

My son is 6 with ASD and was diagnosed 2 years ago when I left my husband who had forbidded me to get an assessment. We live in a small very remote country town in the middle of Australia and currently we have ZERO therapists here for my son. My ex is a high profiled lawyer here and when I told him that his son has ASD straight after his assessment, his reaction was 'what are saying he is never going to read a book'. He has never supported any ASD therapy or consultations or the diagnosis and only when it suits my ex does he comment on our son's ASD - mainly when he doesnt want to pay for something and claims that they are not specialised ASD trained - however is in complete denial.

My fiance and myself are now sadly going to court in Feb with my ex to get permission from the federal family law circuit to relocate back home to a major city so that my son can get access to ASD support and services. I am the local facilitator for a national autism organisation where I live, but sadly I am it for a whole town of 30 000 and I cant do it alone and need the support of other professionals and my own family.

I am trying to find empirical research to support the argument that my ex wont agree to relocating because he is actually in denial about the ASD diagnosis, because at the moment I have everything under the sun about early intervention and all of my sons practitioners have written in support stating that we need to move - we have already spent $20 000 in lawyer fees, money which could go to our sons education and therapy, but here in Australia you are not allowed to move interstate unless both parties agree or you go to court - he can move anytime, but not me and the children....if anyone knows of any research done in this area it would be soooo helpful!!! I do know from my masters degree and work that 1 in 3 ASD couples divorce and the onus is on the father but I need concrete evidence for court.

Again, I just want to thank everyone for giving voice and raise to this issue and for making me feel like I am not alone anymore and it was so cathartic to just tell my story out to the cyber void of the world. Wishing everyone strength and grace as they take this unique and special path with their children and enjoy the beautiful perspectives and sometimes not so fun challenges that ASD brings to us!!!

Hotel california... "you can check out anytime, but you can never leave".  I read this in a book on aspergers and it resonated with me.  

I see the same traits in my two teenage sons who are diagnosed with aspergers as I do in their father.  

We accept that our aspies children struggle with rigidity of thought, mind blindness and social interaction and support them through their struggles.   These are lifelong traits that admittably may improve, but never completely disappear.  So what happens when our children become adults and more importantly parents?

Put simply our children become the fathers that we are talking about now.  think about it.  It's very hard to co-parent with an aspie, boy do I know that, but please bear in mind that when our ex's were growing up aspergers was relatively unknown and they would most probably not have received the support available today.  The strategies in place today would not have been inplace whilst they were growing up so is it any wonder that they struggle as parents.  

Their parents (now grandparents) believed that children needed to be controlled and conditional parenting was the norm.  If you behaved you were rewarded, if you misbehaved you were punished.  You had to eat everything on your plate or sent to bed without supper and so it went on.  Smacking was widely accepted and I can still hear my ex's grandmother telling me all the boys need is a good hiding.  You are not only trying to change your ex's understanding of aspergers but that of his parents and grandparents and if they don't see it in their child, what hope do you have?  In my case I was faced with complete denial and told I was delusional.  

Try not to blame your ex for not supporting you... it will eat you up inside and get you nowhere.  What we seek just isn't something our aspie ex's can give...

Finally look after yourself you deserve it.

x

Hi

So sorry to hear of your experiences but I thought I`d say hello and well done for trying to deal on your own - you are a good mum as so many are.

A lot of the comments are familiar as I split from my wife over our son`s aspergers. However, I had to confront it as my dad nearlly died and I had issues with him and I was made redundant at the same time. I ended up seeking help and this is what came out which may be how other Dads feel and may help:

I`m on the spectrum  - as most probably is my Dad

Dad`s secretly suspect or find out that autism is believed in part to normally be hereditry down the male line (hence I felt I`d "given it to my son" and felt terrible guilt).

The dad has often experienced it themselves and it brings back painful memories of their own childhood - craving friends and often not fitting in or being bullied.(My ex was shocked to hear this from me - she thought I was so strong)

Men find it hard to communicate and work in groups like mums do - hence they often get frustrated, angry , try to "fix" the child whilst secretly trying to fix" thier own experiences.

You can`t get the Dad to understand - they have to do it themselves (with help from outside)

Dad`s paternal instinct is strong if only they can accept the greatness of the child. 

Because of the relationship it`s often hard for the Dad to stay in contact and sometimes awkward but not unachievable. I was badly beaten by my parents labelled underachiever, no friends, naughty,unemotional etc but always couldn`t understand as I felt I had so much love and emotion - I just can`t express it. I later found out the same had happened to my dad.

Dad`s so easily drift off - the easy route - if you can don`t let them. Children need the Dads too (though you mums do such a great job!)

The good Dads may actually just be normal - ie not Dads on the spectrum. If so then mums are very lucky. Dealing with a child and the Dad on the spectrum, well the odds are against staying together.

Given Dad`s like me find it hard to say..perhaps ask them to keep in touch in words as well? Having seen my little boy not having a great time at school I wrote him a poem. I cried like a baby and it was very hard but I hope he keeps it and sees me in it and that though he`s different in some ways he isn`t in others and is a beautiful person.

Finally....the future is still bright. I get on well with my ex wife and am succesful in my work and trying to be a great Dad to my darling son. At another level, the world is changing and the norm doesn`t always fit. Employers and society are seeing change and unconvention as becoming the norm. I worked in science for 20 yrs and I swear a large proportion of staff were on the spectrum and they were lovely people.

And the poem...well it goes like this and I hope you like it:

“I know”

I know.

I was once there too.  In the fog of my youth, at the start in the dew,

You want to belong, have your place amongst peers,

A place to feel normal, a place without fears,

But some mock you, some tease, and some hurt you too,

Would they really do this, oh if only they knew,

For you do have a heart  - of gold, not of stone,

So much Love and emotion, `neath soft flesh and bone,

You try so hard to show it, and so to fit in,

Oh how your soul hurts,

Please stop this pain, light and din,

Will it ever change, will you have that close friend?

What will your journey be? Will this hurt mend?

Hush, let me tell you, be proud of who you are,

Hard as it seems now, I know you`ll go far,

You have much light inside you, kindness and love,

Like me you seek answers, high, low and above.

So here`s what I found out, I hope it`s of use,

At least bring you comfort, nothing obtuse…

Real friends will find you,  you need but a few,

Be true to yourself  - they`ll form up a queue,

These real friends will support you, laugh, cry and persist,

Stand strong beside you, as you tred life`s deep mist,

They`ll laugh at your quirkiness, your interests and jokes,

Laugh with you, never at you, and not all will be blokes,

For girls are nice too, they see deeply inside,

They`ll know the real you, there`ll be nowhere to hide,

They`ll see your kindness, your soft gentle ways,

And bond to your shy heart over many long days,

They`ll cherish your loyalty,

Your strength within,

The little things you do, to show your giving,

And when they`re bored of the macho strong boys,

They`ll remember the true you and savour the joys,

And when you look back on those first early years,

All the pain, anger, struggle and all of those tears,

You`ll see others went through it, you really were the same,

Think then of me,  

remember my name,

Remember, I know,

 I really was once there too,

In a much younger time,

 I really was you.

Daddy x

Thank you very much for your response. We have tried telling him his friends won't like it but it quite literally doesn't wash . . . The strange thing is that he still gets invited out, perhaps it needs one of his friends to gently tell him. Even his sister who he normally listens to can't make any progress explaining to him. Best wishes

hi Izzy - my son (not aspergers) recently stopped showering.  We had a few theories why but weren't really sure.  It was explained to him that he wd get smelly, dirty + poss get sore skin if he didn't resume showering.  This worked for him.  Your son probably knows all this but perhaps letting him know that his friends may not like being nxt to him if he's smelly may strike a chord??   bw

Dear All

Our son, aged 17, is a very bright young man with Aspergers who has managed to make remarkable progress in the last few years with the aid of wonderful support from his school and other agencies. He is now beginning to go out with friends which is remarkable given how isolated he was a few years ago. However . . .  now he is 17 he needs to wash regularly, my wife and I can no longer bathe him, but he consistently refuses to wash and tells us he has showered when it is very clear he hasn't. His elder sister, my wife and I find it difficult to sit near him and we can imagine what it must be like for his peers and teachers at school. He is also frightened of flushing the loo after use, a problem that he has carried with him since a very young age. We are concerned that his new found social life will flounder because of his body odour. We have tried gently persuading him to use anti-perspirants, run baths for him, provided him with warm comfortable towels but no luck. He goes into a rage now whenever we bring up the subject. He is due to go for a week on a residential course in February and we feel we can't let him go until he has a routine to wash himself.

Any suggestions gratefully welcomed as how we might handle this problem.

my daughters 4 and has now been diagnosed with aspergers.....for the year and half of going through all the appointments discussions about her etc etc my ex (and his new GF) have been calling me and the doctors, specialists, and teachers Liars, he's been contacted on numerous occasions to invite him to see these specialists but he refuses, the upsetting thing has been that he'd convinced one of our elder children that this was true, so i think I cried solidly for an hour.

Since mentioning the A word to him, he changed the whole routine (that he knew she had) of their contact weekends (different bedtime, insisits on her wearing a nappy because of her accidents, allows her to play on the street without supervision, oh i could go on!)  

This has caused alot of stress for me, lottie, and her other siblings.  When she comes home..I literally count to five and MELTDOWN.....yoyo meltdowns and follows for a few days at nursery.

I was worried about her having a label etc, but im actually glad as its opened doors to get support and advice, its certainly been a weight off my sholders (Im NOT a bad parent!)

But us single mummy's will carry on battling through (and wondering alot about how we actually do it lol)

My god i could have wrote this myself!! (in fact i did a few days ago!)

I have the ex who thinks he could do a better job than me, his new wife is better with my ds than i am blah blah - he is now insisting on turning up to the next camhs appointment (ex's first one) to make sure the full story is told...... cant bloody wait!!!

Its a crap situation though, We are the ones fighting in the corner for the support etc - and they cant even give us the credit for knowing our own kids? Im coming to the conclusion that my exdh's problem is the fact that autism is likely genetic and he himself shows signs of being somewhere on the spectrum... to acknowledge ds's problem is to acknowledge his own!

Glad to hear it.

My parents can't seem to accept my diagnosis. My dad thinks saying "we're going out. Tea will be sorted later. Bye." is acceptable. Telling me things at the last minute and not telling me when isn't acceptable. He then moaned because I was in a mood with him and refused to have tea. (I'd already eaten by the time they returned - almost 2 hours later)

My mum has gone as far to say there's nothing wrong. I almost had a meltdown on Thursday and someone managed to sort it out for me. That is something neither of my parents have seen. They're aware that I'm sensitive to noise; but still don't understand it.

They still don't understand my food issues. I've had the same issues for as long as I can remember. Why try to give me food I have never liked?

a bit of an update, my son has now been statemented and is attending a special school, something which his dad was very much opposed to, however after my son being unable to attend school through anxiety and becoming increasing withdrawn for the past year he has attended 2 full weeks, full time and no longer spends all day and night hidden in his room, his dad now accepts what I have done was the right thing and is slowly accepting his sons condition even if he doesn't admit it to me. Support your child and trust your instincts, do what you feel is right and in the end actions speak louder than words.

This is clearly a big issue for some dads.

My ex also refuses to accept that our son may have aspergers; at the age of 11, he's finally in the assessment process now, with lots of support from his school, after years of me suspecting 'something'. I have been very open with my son about the process (he doesn't like surprises!) but his dad actually tells him "I don't think there's anything wrong with you", completely undermining all the effort the rest of us are making to make him feel ok about it!

How can I unplant the horrible seed his dad is nurturing that aspergers = wrong?

hey there buttons mum, horrible situation as it is, it seems your ex is going to be no use to you in this area untill he does accept it, which he might not do, so you just have to find a way to get through this as you have been doing 

its obviously a disgrace that it took that long for a diagnosis, but its at least some validation for you that the pedeatrition accepted their mistake, even if they didnt outright say it, and that you will now be able to get help you deserve, but your ex isnt likely to be the one to give you it from what youve said here

just get on with your life, try not to expect anything from him, and if in the future he does eventually accept it, great, if not, you can manage without him doing so

I hope some of you can agree with me.  I met my partner in Nov 2011 and he had his son living with him who was 10 at the time. As the weeks went on I noticed something not right about his son.  Over the next few months I went on the internet about his behaviour and he was showing classic signs of Aspergers.  The stress for me and my 10 yr old daughter got too much and had to have a word with the headmistress as he was driving my daughter crazy at school - in her face and being nasty to her mates. he only had one female friend and no one else.  By Nov 2012 We could not take the stress anymore and I split up with my partner.  I am sooooo upset over this and miss my partner deeply but since I spoke out about his son - to hopefully get him the help he needs, my partner and his family all turned against me and despise me so much.  I was only wanting help for his son before he starts senior school in Sept cos am convinced he will be bullied as he stands out!!!!! Will my ex ever say sorry to me, have me back and accept his sons' problems?? jayne x

hi buttons mum, as i read your post it was though you was writing about me, my ex husband still doesnt see anything wrong and my son was diagnosed in sept 2010,my son is quite difficult at the mo and when i try and discuss it with his dad he just answers that hes ok when he stays with him, good luck x

My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad 'met' someone shortly after and I was then subjected to the woman who would become my step mother. I wasn't diagnosed until a few months before my 18th birthday with Aspergers Syndrome.

Before the divorce? I was a daddys girl and a major tomboy, I hated anything remotely girly, baby dolls? My eldest cousin had more fun playing with them while I played with dinosaurs and plastic dragons. I wouldn't wear dresses or skirts (still won't) and I still live mostly in boys/mens clothes.

But after he met my step mother, he started having 'expectations'. Suddenly, it was inappropriate for me to live in sports clothes unless I did sport, and I had to wear jeans with pink things. No hoodies, no black t-shirts with dragons on, any drawings that weren't of pretty sunsets were banned from being shown in their new house....

The sad thing is, when the psychologist who diagnosed me asked what the best thing my father had ever done for me, I replied 'a diagnosis', because my cousins on his side of the family have been diagnosed as autistic.

But to date? He treats me as though if he completely ignores everything he doesn't approve of, I'll suddenly change. I'm afraid some people just won't admit it

What I wish I had done was write a letter, telling my dad how every time since my diagnosis that I've tried to spend time with him, that every time hes treated me like a 'normal' person, I felt so alone, all this time he made me doubt myself, second guess my achievements...

Your ex may deny your son has autism, but please make it clear to him, you didn't get your son diagnosed to prove he's 'wrong'. You did it because the way he was being raised was hurting him emotionally and mentally. Your ex has to realise that diagnosis or not, he needs to take responsibility and be there to try and help your son, and that trying to undermine you will only hurt your boy further.

Good luck.

My husband took a long time to accept our daughters diagnosis and used to laugh at me for thinking she had a problem. She has a lot of traits similar to my mother and this was where the blame was often laid. He would get cross with our daughter for not acting as he thought she should and he often ended up shouting at her and alienating himself. I was 'piggy in the middle' between them frequently and our marriage was rocky as things got worse. After she was seen by a psychiatrist and got diagnosed I felt I was better equipped to explain to him how badly he was treating her. The information on this website has been invaluable and if you can persuade your ex to just take a look maybe he will realise that a lot of what he reads is describing his son. Looking on you tube is great as well for personal experiences. What finally helped was a book called Aspergirls by Rudy Simone which he is currently reading, it's like a light has switched on and he is now much more understanding. I'm sure there are similar books from boys points of view. I hope this helps and wish you luck . Your son is lucky to have such a loving and determined mum.

Hi Buttons Mum,

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time.  From all that I have read in these forums you're one of many.

I have to start with a caveat - although I work with young people with ASDs, I don't have such a child myself.  I did, however, have a little girl who was born with the most profound disabilities and who died in her fifth year, now a long time ago, so there is a sense in which I understand what it is to be the parent of a 'handicapped' or 'special' child.  Either definition works for me.

During my daughter's lifetime, during which I was her principal carer, I was brought into contact with a great many people, most of them parents of children with problems but some of them with much less severe problems than my daughter.

It was very noticeable that it was often the dads who coped with it the least well.  Not that there aren't a great many dads who cope brilliantly.  Marriages were often put under tremendous strain and a good number of them did not survive their child's disability.

A rather scary commonplace was that dads seemed to have the idea that a disabled child reflected badly on their manhood, and that being seen to be the father of such a child damaged their esteem in the eyes of the world.  As a man, I'd say that such preoccupations are tragically common among men, even in these supposedly enlightened times.

<< When i told my ex that his son had ASD he laughed and said 'whatever', 'i suppose you were with him', 'what medication are they giving him' as if he doesn't believe or want to believe me,>>

This sounds as if he is trying to imply that your son's problems are 'in your eyes only', that this is something you have invented.  It is insulting to you, if one is honest, and offensive.  From such words, and given what I wrote in the preceeding paragraph, I would suggest that he doesn't want to believe you, and I would also suspect that the fact that he is your ex may have to do with jealousy, on his part, for the attention circumstances have forced you to direct towards your son rather than towards him.  Does any of that make sense?

You are the one with the courage and strength here.  Those of us who know what we know respect you for that.

Warmest best wishes to you,

If I were you, I think I would tell your son, if you haven't already, the diagnosis and provide him with information such that he is able to make up his own mind about whether he is on the spectrum or not.

If he's fairly high-functioning and has free access to the internet, particularly YouTube (and without you watching over his shoulder all the time), then simply telling him of the diagnosis may well be enough and he'll seek more information for himself.

(and there is a lot of very good information, particularly people with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's talking about what it is like for them, on YouTube)

If your son 'owns' the diagnosis, it won't matter what his father thinks or says.