Father (ex-husband) in denial

Hi Everyone,

I suspected for many years that my son was on the spectrum, my now ex-husband always told me i was wrong and that he 'was just a boy'

5 years ago my son was referred to a community paediatrician because he was showing extreme low self esteem and had told me he wanted to kill himself, he was 6 years old. i was told that although my son showed signs of autism and ADHD he didn't fulfill the criteria and therefore had neither, as such i was not offered any additional support and refused a referal to CAMHS as they thought he was unsuitable,  my ex found this highly amusing at the time.

That was the first i had heard of autism, so i started to research, the more i researched the more i believed in my own mind that my son was on the spectrum, but because i had been told by the paediatrician he was not i just adopted the coping strategies and soldiered on, my then husband refused to work with me and eventually we separated because things were difficult enough, i just couldn't stand him working against me all the time.

Last year things came to a head with my son, now 11, school was bad, his behaviour was difficult and my strategies no longer seemed to be working, so i went back to my GP and asked for my son to be specifically assessed for ASD, I saw the same paediatrician, who had oviously read her previous notes, so I didn't think i would get anywhere, however i think she was shocked by how my son presented and said his problems were 'very complex', the school appointed an education pschologist on her recommendation, my CAMHS referral came through fairly quickly, and straight away the psychiatrist could see traits in my son, within one hour because to me and her it was obvious she confirmed that he was on the spectrum.

When i told my ex that his son had ASD he laughed and said 'whatever', 'i suppose you were with him', 'what medication are they giving him' as if he doesn't believe or want to believe me, has anyone else had a similar reaction, how did you deal with it?

 

 

 

Parents
  • Hotel california... "you can check out anytime, but you can never leave".  I read this in a book on aspergers and it resonated with me.  

    I see the same traits in my two teenage sons who are diagnosed with aspergers as I do in their father.  

    We accept that our aspies children struggle with rigidity of thought, mind blindness and social interaction and support them through their struggles.   These are lifelong traits that admittably may improve, but never completely disappear.  So what happens when our children become adults and more importantly parents?

    Put simply our children become the fathers that we are talking about now.  think about it.  It's very hard to co-parent with an aspie, boy do I know that, but please bear in mind that when our ex's were growing up aspergers was relatively unknown and they would most probably not have received the support available today.  The strategies in place today would not have been inplace whilst they were growing up so is it any wonder that they struggle as parents.  

    Their parents (now grandparents) believed that children needed to be controlled and conditional parenting was the norm.  If you behaved you were rewarded, if you misbehaved you were punished.  You had to eat everything on your plate or sent to bed without supper and so it went on.  Smacking was widely accepted and I can still hear my ex's grandmother telling me all the boys need is a good hiding.  You are not only trying to change your ex's understanding of aspergers but that of his parents and grandparents and if they don't see it in their child, what hope do you have?  In my case I was faced with complete denial and told I was delusional.  

    Try not to blame your ex for not supporting you... it will eat you up inside and get you nowhere.  What we seek just isn't something our aspie ex's can give...

    Finally look after yourself you deserve it.

    x

Reply
  • Hotel california... "you can check out anytime, but you can never leave".  I read this in a book on aspergers and it resonated with me.  

    I see the same traits in my two teenage sons who are diagnosed with aspergers as I do in their father.  

    We accept that our aspies children struggle with rigidity of thought, mind blindness and social interaction and support them through their struggles.   These are lifelong traits that admittably may improve, but never completely disappear.  So what happens when our children become adults and more importantly parents?

    Put simply our children become the fathers that we are talking about now.  think about it.  It's very hard to co-parent with an aspie, boy do I know that, but please bear in mind that when our ex's were growing up aspergers was relatively unknown and they would most probably not have received the support available today.  The strategies in place today would not have been inplace whilst they were growing up so is it any wonder that they struggle as parents.  

    Their parents (now grandparents) believed that children needed to be controlled and conditional parenting was the norm.  If you behaved you were rewarded, if you misbehaved you were punished.  You had to eat everything on your plate or sent to bed without supper and so it went on.  Smacking was widely accepted and I can still hear my ex's grandmother telling me all the boys need is a good hiding.  You are not only trying to change your ex's understanding of aspergers but that of his parents and grandparents and if they don't see it in their child, what hope do you have?  In my case I was faced with complete denial and told I was delusional.  

    Try not to blame your ex for not supporting you... it will eat you up inside and get you nowhere.  What we seek just isn't something our aspie ex's can give...

    Finally look after yourself you deserve it.

    x

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