Father (ex-husband) in denial

Hi Everyone,

I suspected for many years that my son was on the spectrum, my now ex-husband always told me i was wrong and that he 'was just a boy'

5 years ago my son was referred to a community paediatrician because he was showing extreme low self esteem and had told me he wanted to kill himself, he was 6 years old. i was told that although my son showed signs of autism and ADHD he didn't fulfill the criteria and therefore had neither, as such i was not offered any additional support and refused a referal to CAMHS as they thought he was unsuitable,  my ex found this highly amusing at the time.

That was the first i had heard of autism, so i started to research, the more i researched the more i believed in my own mind that my son was on the spectrum, but because i had been told by the paediatrician he was not i just adopted the coping strategies and soldiered on, my then husband refused to work with me and eventually we separated because things were difficult enough, i just couldn't stand him working against me all the time.

Last year things came to a head with my son, now 11, school was bad, his behaviour was difficult and my strategies no longer seemed to be working, so i went back to my GP and asked for my son to be specifically assessed for ASD, I saw the same paediatrician, who had oviously read her previous notes, so I didn't think i would get anywhere, however i think she was shocked by how my son presented and said his problems were 'very complex', the school appointed an education pschologist on her recommendation, my CAMHS referral came through fairly quickly, and straight away the psychiatrist could see traits in my son, within one hour because to me and her it was obvious she confirmed that he was on the spectrum.

When i told my ex that his son had ASD he laughed and said 'whatever', 'i suppose you were with him', 'what medication are they giving him' as if he doesn't believe or want to believe me, has anyone else had a similar reaction, how did you deal with it?

 

 

 

Parents
  • My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad 'met' someone shortly after and I was then subjected to the woman who would become my step mother. I wasn't diagnosed until a few months before my 18th birthday with Aspergers Syndrome.

    Before the divorce? I was a daddys girl and a major tomboy, I hated anything remotely girly, baby dolls? My eldest cousin had more fun playing with them while I played with dinosaurs and plastic dragons. I wouldn't wear dresses or skirts (still won't) and I still live mostly in boys/mens clothes.

    But after he met my step mother, he started having 'expectations'. Suddenly, it was inappropriate for me to live in sports clothes unless I did sport, and I had to wear jeans with pink things. No hoodies, no black t-shirts with dragons on, any drawings that weren't of pretty sunsets were banned from being shown in their new house....

    The sad thing is, when the psychologist who diagnosed me asked what the best thing my father had ever done for me, I replied 'a diagnosis', because my cousins on his side of the family have been diagnosed as autistic.

    But to date? He treats me as though if he completely ignores everything he doesn't approve of, I'll suddenly change. I'm afraid some people just won't admit it

    What I wish I had done was write a letter, telling my dad how every time since my diagnosis that I've tried to spend time with him, that every time hes treated me like a 'normal' person, I felt so alone, all this time he made me doubt myself, second guess my achievements...

    Your ex may deny your son has autism, but please make it clear to him, you didn't get your son diagnosed to prove he's 'wrong'. You did it because the way he was being raised was hurting him emotionally and mentally. Your ex has to realise that diagnosis or not, he needs to take responsibility and be there to try and help your son, and that trying to undermine you will only hurt your boy further.

    Good luck.

Reply
  • My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad 'met' someone shortly after and I was then subjected to the woman who would become my step mother. I wasn't diagnosed until a few months before my 18th birthday with Aspergers Syndrome.

    Before the divorce? I was a daddys girl and a major tomboy, I hated anything remotely girly, baby dolls? My eldest cousin had more fun playing with them while I played with dinosaurs and plastic dragons. I wouldn't wear dresses or skirts (still won't) and I still live mostly in boys/mens clothes.

    But after he met my step mother, he started having 'expectations'. Suddenly, it was inappropriate for me to live in sports clothes unless I did sport, and I had to wear jeans with pink things. No hoodies, no black t-shirts with dragons on, any drawings that weren't of pretty sunsets were banned from being shown in their new house....

    The sad thing is, when the psychologist who diagnosed me asked what the best thing my father had ever done for me, I replied 'a diagnosis', because my cousins on his side of the family have been diagnosed as autistic.

    But to date? He treats me as though if he completely ignores everything he doesn't approve of, I'll suddenly change. I'm afraid some people just won't admit it

    What I wish I had done was write a letter, telling my dad how every time since my diagnosis that I've tried to spend time with him, that every time hes treated me like a 'normal' person, I felt so alone, all this time he made me doubt myself, second guess my achievements...

    Your ex may deny your son has autism, but please make it clear to him, you didn't get your son diagnosed to prove he's 'wrong'. You did it because the way he was being raised was hurting him emotionally and mentally. Your ex has to realise that diagnosis or not, he needs to take responsibility and be there to try and help your son, and that trying to undermine you will only hurt your boy further.

    Good luck.

Children
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