Father (ex-husband) in denial

Hi

So sorry to hear of your experiences but I thought I`d say hello and well done for trying to deal on your own - you are a good mum as so many are.

A lot of the comments are familiar as I split from my wife over our son`s aspergers. However, I had to confront it as my dad nearlly died and I had issues with him and I was made redundant at the same time. I ended up seeking help and this is what came out which may be how other Dads feel and may help:

I`m on the spectrum  - as most probably is my Dad

Dad`s secretly suspect or find out that autism is believed in part to normally be hereditry down the male line (hence I felt I`d "given it to my son" and felt terrible guilt).

The dad has often experienced it themselves and it brings back painful memories of their own childhood - craving friends and often not fitting in or being bullied.(My ex was shocked to hear this from me - she thought I was so strong)

Men find it hard to communicate and work in groups like mums do - hence they often get frustrated, angry , try to "fix" the child whilst secretly trying to fix" thier own experiences.

You can`t get the Dad to understand - they have to do it themselves (with help from outside)

Dad`s paternal instinct is strong if only they can accept the greatness of the child. 

Because of the relationship it`s often hard for the Dad to stay in contact and sometimes awkward but not unachievable. I was badly beaten by my parents labelled underachiever, no friends, naughty,unemotional etc but always couldn`t understand as I felt I had so much love and emotion - I just can`t express it. I later found out the same had happened to my dad.

Dad`s so easily drift off - the easy route - if you can don`t let them. Children need the Dads too (though you mums do such a great job!)

The good Dads may actually just be normal - ie not Dads on the spectrum. If so then mums are very lucky. Dealing with a child and the Dad on the spectrum, well the odds are against staying together.

Given Dad`s like me find it hard to say..perhaps ask them to keep in touch in words as well? Having seen my little boy not having a great time at school I wrote him a poem. I cried like a baby and it was very hard but I hope he keeps it and sees me in it and that though he`s different in some ways he isn`t in others and is a beautiful person.

Finally....the future is still bright. I get on well with my ex wife and am succesful in my work and trying to be a great Dad to my darling son. At another level, the world is changing and the norm doesn`t always fit. Employers and society are seeing change and unconvention as becoming the norm. I worked in science for 20 yrs and I swear a large proportion of staff were on the spectrum and they were lovely people.

And the poem...well it goes like this and I hope you like it:

“I know”

I know.

I was once there too.  In the fog of my youth, at the start in the dew,

You want to belong, have your place amongst peers,

A place to feel normal, a place without fears,

But some mock you, some tease, and some hurt you too,

Would they really do this, oh if only they knew,

For you do have a heart  - of gold, not of stone,

So much Love and emotion, `neath soft flesh and bone,

You try so hard to show it, and so to fit in,

Oh how your soul hurts,

Please stop this pain, light and din,

Will it ever change, will you have that close friend?

What will your journey be? Will this hurt mend?

Hush, let me tell you, be proud of who you are,

Hard as it seems now, I know you`ll go far,

You have much light inside you, kindness and love,

Like me you seek answers, high, low and above.

So here`s what I found out, I hope it`s of use,

At least bring you comfort, nothing obtuse…

Real friends will find you,  you need but a few,

Be true to yourself  - they`ll form up a queue,

These real friends will support you, laugh, cry and persist,

Stand strong beside you, as you tred life`s deep mist,

They`ll laugh at your quirkiness, your interests and jokes,

Laugh with you, never at you, and not all will be blokes,

For girls are nice too, they see deeply inside,

They`ll know the real you, there`ll be nowhere to hide,

They`ll see your kindness, your soft gentle ways,

And bond to your shy heart over many long days,

They`ll cherish your loyalty,

Your strength within,

The little things you do, to show your giving,

And when they`re bored of the macho strong boys,

They`ll remember the true you and savour the joys,

And when you look back on those first early years,

All the pain, anger, struggle and all of those tears,

You`ll see others went through it, you really were the same,

Think then of me,  

remember my name,

Remember, I know,

 I really was once there too,

In a much younger time,

 I really was you.

Daddy x

Hi

So sorry to hear of your experiences but I thought I`d say hello and well done for trying to deal on your own - you are a good mum as so many are.

A lot of the comments are familiar as I split from my wife over our son`s aspergers. However, I had to confront it as my dad nearlly died and I had issues with him and I was made redundant at the same time. I ended up seeking help and this is what came out which may be how other Dads feel and may help:

I`m on the spectrum  - as most probably is my Dad

Dad`s secretly suspect or find out that autism is believed in part to normally be hereditry down the male line (hence I felt I`d "given it to my son" and felt terrible guilt).

The dad has often experienced it themselves and it brings back painful memories of their own childhood - craving friends and often not fitting in or being bullied.(My ex was shocked to hear this from me - she thought I was so strong)

Men find it hard to communicate and work in groups like mums do - hence they often get frustrated, angry , try to "fix" the child whilst secretly trying to fix" thier own experiences.

You can`t get the Dad to understand - they have to do it themselves (with help from outside)

Dad`s paternal instinct is strong if only they can accept the greatness of the child. 

Because of the relationship it`s often hard for the Dad to stay in contact and sometimes awkward but not unachievable. I was badly beaten by my parents labelled underachiever, no friends, naughty,unemotional etc but always couldn`t understand as I felt I had so much love and emotion - I just can`t express it. I later found out the same had happened to my dad.

Dad`s so easily drift off - the easy route - if you can don`t let them. Children need the Dads too (though you mums do such a great job!)

The good Dads may actually just be normal - ie not Dads on the spectrum. If so then mums are very lucky. Dealing with a child and the Dad on the spectrum, well the odds are against staying together.

Given Dad`s like me find it hard to say..perhaps ask them to keep in touch in words as well? Having seen my little boy not having a great time at school I wrote him a poem. I cried like a baby and it was very hard but I hope he keeps it and sees me in it and that though he`s different in some ways he isn`t in others and is a beautiful person.

Finally....the future is still bright. I get on well with my ex wife and am succesful in my work and trying to be a great Dad to my darling son. At another level, the world is changing and the norm doesn`t always fit. Employers and society are seeing change and unconvention as becoming the norm. I worked in science for 20 yrs and I swear a large proportion of staff were on the spectrum and they were lovely people.

And the poem...well it goes like this and I hope you like it:

“I know”

I know.

I was once there too.  In the fog of my youth, at the start in the dew,

You want to belong, have your place amongst peers,

A place to feel normal, a place without fears,

But some mock you, some tease, and some hurt you too,

Would they really do this, oh if only they knew,

For you do have a heart  - of gold, not of stone,

So much Love and emotion, `neath soft flesh and bone,

You try so hard to show it, and so to fit in,

Oh how your soul hurts,

Please stop this pain, light and din,

Will it ever change, will you have that close friend?

What will your journey be? Will this hurt mend?

Hush, let me tell you, be proud of who you are,

Hard as it seems now, I know you`ll go far,

You have much light inside you, kindness and love,

Like me you seek answers, high, low and above.

So here`s what I found out, I hope it`s of use,

At least bring you comfort, nothing obtuse…

Real friends will find you,  you need but a few,

Be true to yourself  - they`ll form up a queue,

These real friends will support you, laugh, cry and persist,

Stand strong beside you, as you tred life`s deep mist,

They`ll laugh at your quirkiness, your interests and jokes,

Laugh with you, never at you, and not all will be blokes,

For girls are nice too, they see deeply inside,

They`ll know the real you, there`ll be nowhere to hide,

They`ll see your kindness, your soft gentle ways,

And bond to your shy heart over many long days,

They`ll cherish your loyalty,

Your strength within,

The little things you do, to show your giving,

And when they`re bored of the macho strong boys,

They`ll remember the true you and savour the joys,

And when you look back on those first early years,

All the pain, anger, struggle and all of those tears,

You`ll see others went through it, you really were the same,

Think then of me,  

remember my name,

Remember, I know,

 I really was once there too,

In a much younger time,

 I really was you.

Daddy x