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Father (ex-husband) in denial

buttons mum

Hi Everyone,

I suspected for many years that my son was on the spectrum, my now ex-husband always told me i was wrong and that he 'was just a boy'

5 years ago my son was referred to a community paediatrician because he was showing extreme low self esteem and had told me he wanted to kill himself, he was 6 years old. i was told that although my son showed signs of autism and ADHD he didn't fulfill the criteria and therefore had neither, as such i was not offered any additional support and refused a referal to CAMHS as they thought he was unsuitable,  my ex found this highly amusing at the time.

That was the first i had heard of autism, so i started to research, the more i researched the more i believed in my own mind that my son was on the spectrum, but because i had been told by the paediatrician he was not i just adopted the coping strategies and soldiered on, my then husband refused to work with me and eventually we separated because things were difficult enough, i just couldn't stand him working against me all the time.

Last year things came to a head with my son, now 11, school was bad, his behaviour was difficult and my strategies no longer seemed to be working, so i went back to my GP and asked for my son to be specifically assessed for ASD, I saw the same paediatrician, who had oviously read her previous notes, so I didn't think i would get anywhere, however i think she was shocked by how my son presented and said his problems were 'very complex', the school appointed an education pschologist on her recommendation, my CAMHS referral came through fairly quickly, and straight away the psychiatrist could see traits in my son, within one hour because to me and her it was obvious she confirmed that he was on the spectrum.

When i told my ex that his son had ASD he laughed and said 'whatever', 'i suppose you were with him', 'what medication are they giving him' as if he doesn't believe or want to believe me, has anyone else had a similar reaction, how did you deal with it?

 

 

 

Parents

  • Hi Buttons Mum,

    I'm sorry you've had such a hard time.  From all that I have read in these forums you're one of many.

    I have to start with a caveat - although I work with young people with ASDs, I don't have such a child myself.  I did, however, have a little girl who was born with the most profound disabilities and who died in her fifth year, now a long time ago, so there is a sense in which I understand what it is to be the parent of a 'handicapped' or 'special' child.  Either definition works for me.

    During my daughter's lifetime, during which I was her principal carer, I was brought into contact with a great many people, most of them parents of children with problems but some of them with much less severe problems than my daughter.

    It was very noticeable that it was often the dads who coped with it the least well.  Not that there aren't a great many dads who cope brilliantly.  Marriages were often put under tremendous strain and a good number of them did not survive their child's disability.

    A rather scary commonplace was that dads seemed to have the idea that a disabled child reflected badly on their manhood, and that being seen to be the father of such a child damaged their esteem in the eyes of the world.  As a man, I'd say that such preoccupations are tragically common among men, even in these supposedly enlightened times.

    << When i told my ex that his son had ASD he laughed and said 'whatever', 'i suppose you were with him', 'what medication are they giving him' as if he doesn't believe or want to believe me,>>

    This sounds as if he is trying to imply that your son's problems are 'in your eyes only', that this is something you have invented.  It is insulting to you, if one is honest, and offensive.  From such words, and given what I wrote in the preceeding paragraph, I would suggest that he doesn't want to believe you, and I would also suspect that the fact that he is your ex may have to do with jealousy, on his part, for the attention circumstances have forced you to direct towards your son rather than towards him.  Does any of that make sense?

    You are the one with the courage and strength here.  Those of us who know what we know respect you for that.

    Warmest best wishes to you,


Reply

  • Hi Buttons Mum,

    I'm sorry you've had such a hard time.  From all that I have read in these forums you're one of many.

    I have to start with a caveat - although I work with young people with ASDs, I don't have such a child myself.  I did, however, have a little girl who was born with the most profound disabilities and who died in her fifth year, now a long time ago, so there is a sense in which I understand what it is to be the parent of a 'handicapped' or 'special' child.  Either definition works for me.

    During my daughter's lifetime, during which I was her principal carer, I was brought into contact with a great many people, most of them parents of children with problems but some of them with much less severe problems than my daughter.

    It was very noticeable that it was often the dads who coped with it the least well.  Not that there aren't a great many dads who cope brilliantly.  Marriages were often put under tremendous strain and a good number of them did not survive their child's disability.

    A rather scary commonplace was that dads seemed to have the idea that a disabled child reflected badly on their manhood, and that being seen to be the father of such a child damaged their esteem in the eyes of the world.  As a man, I'd say that such preoccupations are tragically common among men, even in these supposedly enlightened times.

    << When i told my ex that his son had ASD he laughed and said 'whatever', 'i suppose you were with him', 'what medication are they giving him' as if he doesn't believe or want to believe me,>>

    This sounds as if he is trying to imply that your son's problems are 'in your eyes only', that this is something you have invented.  It is insulting to you, if one is honest, and offensive.  From such words, and given what I wrote in the preceeding paragraph, I would suggest that he doesn't want to believe you, and I would also suspect that the fact that he is your ex may have to do with jealousy, on his part, for the attention circumstances have forced you to direct towards your son rather than towards him.  Does any of that make sense?

    You are the one with the courage and strength here.  Those of us who know what we know respect you for that.

    Warmest best wishes to you,


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