Wedding Anxieties

could you have organised a small more private wedding with the least people possible? 

like perhaps just you and your husband to be, with the people who record or do the ceremony, probably on a beach in some nice holiday destination to double it up as a holiday?

Congratulations on the wedding.

I think preparations for big events like this are stressful for anyone and far worse if you are autistic.  It's normal to be nervous, but you are faced with a rather large burden on the executive and social function.  No wonder you are feeling the strain with so many worries and the physical pain could be an alert that you are burning out.

It sounds to me though that the two of you need to hold central the fact that you are embarking on a marriage; the frippery of the wedding is just one day.  And it's about the two of you - and no one else.  You need to get the day YOU want.  Certainly, your dress is your choice.  If your mum disapproves that really is her problem, not yours.  If it might get too noisy, what can you do to reduce or mitigate the noise level?  Do you really want that many people there?  Can someone else take charge of some of the organisation?

I'm sure you and your other half could work through what's worrying you about all the details and just cut out anything that's too much, or tone down some elements.  Keep all the bits that are really important to the two of you and ditch whatever is there just to please others.  You are getting married not them, after all.  Others need to fit in with you.  

As for my own, well due to a family illness it was reduced to a handful of us in a registrar's office, sadly. 

I wish you every happiness for the future.

Do you mind if I ask what they prescribed? And if they are effective? I’ve always struggled so badly with anxiety but the only thing my gp ever prescribed was anti depressants and they were terrible for me - horrible side effects. Thanks :)

Are you having a big wedding with lots of guests? Perhaps you could scale it down to something smaller and less intimidating? I would have hated a big wedding - so we only had 2 friends as witnesses and our parents were the only guests. We also had the wedding in a very rural location because we love the countryside - so the whole thing was very quiet and in a lovely, natural setting.

It’s your and your partners wedding so you have every right to have a wedding you can enjoy. The dress sounds great - your mother isn’t the one wearing it so frankly it’s not her opinion that matters most! If you love it then wear it! 
And if your boyfriend thinks delaying it might be a good option then maybe putting the date further off will help because you’ll have more time to work out how to make the wedding something you can enjoy rather than something that’s going to be hugely stressful for you.

anyway - good luck! 

In my part of the world, Weddings are all about drink, food and Jiving to Country.

Your anxiety, but multiplied.

Lollie said:

I would have been happy for a smaller quiet wedding, office do would have been good but hubby to be wanted it to be our dream wedding so that's that.

Whose dream wedding? It doesn't sound like it's your dream wedding...

A vintage dress sounds beautiful, it does not matter how much a dress costs, it has to be something you like. 

You deserve it to be a nice day, it is a day for you and your partner, others witness it and come along to it. But try to create a little bubble for yourself and your partner and stay in that bubble for the day. 

A) you mum’s not getting married who cares what she thinks.

b) have you spoken to your bridesmaids about this? Acting as a buffer between noisy guests and overbearing parents is part of their job.

I was fresh as a daisy the next morning, because I didn't have another alcoholic dink the rest of the day. Once past the speech I could relax.

Hi Joe, thanks for the advice. The families are paying for the majority, though we have put in a lot as well but mostly it is parents. I would have been happy for a smaller quiet wedding, office do would have been good but hubby to be wanted it to be our dream wedding so that's that.

Thank you xx hoping it will all go really well. Going to sit down and plan everything together this coming month, try and build an image of it all in our minds.

Lol if it helps it helps. I'm glad it got you through it - tho you must have had a hell of a headache after!

Alcohol isn't an option for me as I'm carrying extra weight and it could be damaging, plus I've got kidney issues and they seem to suffer bad with alcohol but I do have anxiety calming medicine to try now. X

I wish we were doing a small wedding. Just me and him would be good TBH lol. 

Thanks.

I've been in touch with my doctor and she's prescribed some anti anxiety calming pills to use when I need them. I'm hoping they will work and make a positive difference.

I was on anxiety meds when we did ours and it definitely helped! Whether you need something daily or just something to use on really scary days, it's worth considering.

Yes, rigid social conventions are often a right royal pain in the aarse for autistics.

That was my biggest fear, the Speech. I used alcohol and blotted most of the day out.

Hi Lollie,

I got married nearly 5 years ago.  We were lucky in one sense that we were paying for everything so I more or less told my family not to interfere and they just needed to turn up and enjoy themselves (there was still a fair amount of stress around that).  I planned everything to the nth degree with numerous spreadsheets and had people assigned roles, at one point the day was even planned down to 5 min slots and folks were rolling their eyes, but that's just me and what I'm like.

Best advice someone gave me was to plan in some time with my significant other and so we had 45-60 mins after the registry office and before the blessing/reception where we were having photos but it was just us and the photographer, no-one else. At the end of the day it is your day to commit to each other, the rest doesn't matte.  I think that's my favourite bit of the whole day as the legal bit was done with and we were just luvved up and everything else could just wait.  It goes so fast, fingers crossed it all goes well for you.

To be honest I used alcohol. As groom I had to give a speech at the reception, which really freaked me out. I had several stiff vodkas about half an hour before the speech was due to take place and I was reasonably OK. If I had to do the same now, I would probably replace the alcohol with CBD capsules which reduce anxiety in me without the downsides of alcohol.

We did the full church wedding, Rolls Royce etc. We economised where we could so that we could have a spectacular honeymoon. We had four days in Rome, then ten days in Amalfi, staying at a hotel where Ingrid Bergman, Humphrey Bogart and the late Pope had all stayed.

To be honest, I really struggled with my wedding and I was the groom. It all became bigger and bigger, In hindsight my wife and I  would have just done a small family day and enjoyed a decent time away afterwards.

Thank you. 

I know your right! It's mad. Our wedding but suddenly everyone is putting in their input, especially parents, his as well as mine. 

I'll be glad when the big day has been and gone. Definitely not going to be a fun day for me. Did a blood pressure check tonight and it's very high, so now sat cuddling Matthew and listening to music.

He's going to have a word with everyone and tell them we're doing things our way so there's less stress.