What Do I Even Do Anymore?

People in this place resonate. We share-feel things differently and the same.

I know for a fact that there are people in this place who are hard wired to help other humans - howsoever they present or appear - if they think they can help (they evidently often can.)

We also understand that none of us like having people in our faces all the time......especially being a bit positive !!  Arrrrgh !

We get it.....and we struggle with the balance too - don't wanna stick our noses in where not wanted, but want to help if we can.....coz many of us have been through many things.

Keep rollin Soul

Number

Don't be sorry, sometimes when we're at our lowest everything just sounds like useless platitudes. But then you realise those cliches persist for a reason - there's wisdom in there, that we pass around in a circle when someone needs reminding. Your tone sounds slightly more positive (or less overtly negative), I hope you're feeling better.

Thank you all for your support, and I'm sorry I didn't listen to it earlier.

Don't know if my reply will show up, as I've been marked as spam or abuse again. I think I'm going to get another sick note from my GP today.

Don't throw your life away for the government , you will get past this , as I will too as I'm also going through this .

People on here are amazing and supportive .

We got this  

Thank you Shardovan. 

Thanks for sharing your story, beautifully written too

Hello Soul Devoid,

I took an overdose in 2021 , a year after my father died . While I was in the Ambulance the Paramedic said to me 'Stop playing the victim, have a wash and a shave and get a job' and he had a full beard !! 

When I arrived at Hospital I was asked if I wanted to talk to the Mental health staff , I said 'okay' Two women arrived and shared ultimate knowledge with me ,which was 'What do you want us to do ?' 

At the time I was waiting for my Autism diagnosis , I was seeing a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. Then In 2022 in October I started stock pilling anti psychotic and anti depressants tablets , I was planning to take an overdose in the November ( I wanted to die in the Autumn, my favourite time of year ) 

I told my Psychologist what I was planning and she showed me her super hero ability - she was indifferent and useless. I can't explain what happened or why I thought about it but I realised there is only one person who can help and that is yourself, no one here can help you , they can offer advice , thoughts and give direction but they can't help you . 

I was diagnosed with ASD in the December of that year and I have learnt there is nothing to live for but yourself . So now I completely submerge myself in music , painting , reading , playing guitar , researching , watching documentaries .

If you disappeared now , just vanished , life would carry on . I believe there is a George Harrison song ' Life flows within and without you' life would carry on and eventually you would be forgotten  . We're all born against our will and we're all going to die but why not live for you and make the most of things for yourself . Beauty fades, love changes , friends come and go and you will all die alone . You are the greatest gift to yourself . You belong to you 

I have 9 boxes of anti depressants and anti psychotic tablets in my Kitchen cupboard . When I went to see the Psychiatrist the last time ( March ) to be discharged he asked me If I were still taking my medication. At the time I felt fine and wasn't even thinking about anything like that . Talking to him made me self conscious ' You're anti social' , ' You lack empathy' for others .

I told him I had stopped taking the medication , I have 9 boxes and he wasn't getting them  , they are mine and no one touches me or my things ... ever . Talking to him made me feel worse but I simply went back to what I was doing , enjoying me , enjoying myself because I am me and I belong to me, I am mine .

Only you can help you  

I think you need to be here, and everyone would want that for you too - to have the support, stability,  understanding, that we mutually offer as a community here. Number is not just trying to make yuo feel better, nearly every single one of us has run into that 'spam or abuse' issue. It's an annoying glitch caused by certain harmless actions (eg. re-opening the post to edit out spelling mistakes - happened to me at the weekend- or multi-quoting). Not helpful to feel inadvertently silenced when you most need to talk, but it 100% will not be a personal thing. Nothing you've said would warrant that.  

Many of us here have various posts and communications unceremoniously blocked or flagged by this site without rhyme or reason.

We know that, in the majority of cases, this is caused by automated software that makes dubious decisions.......that are eventually corrected by our human volunteers.

You are not being targeted by people here for spam and abuse......its just software.

We welcome everyone here......most of us know feelings like the ones you describe.....many of us have been there with those thoughts.....and we circle back around into the darkness again from time to time.

Keep going Soul.

I've been flagged for spam and abuse. Seems you guys don't want me here either.

I might as well die then. It's what the government want.

This might sound a really dumb suggestion when you're so consumed by fixating thoughts and near-total despair (not judging, I've been there too and probably will be again), but could you manage one or two hours of escapism into a book, a podcast, a film? The reason I say it.... someone mentioned to me recently that they haven't had had s*icidal thoughts in four months, and that a big part of it was making themselves read every day. May not work for everyone, but has for them (formerly 'him', a big part of what they've been going through). Things get just a little more bearable for them every day and getting out of their head (in a healthy way) or rather into a different part of it has helped a lot. 

No, I don't have a lot of faith in the government either.  But whether you get a fit/sick note is your doctor's decision, not theirs.

Government administrators are just paper pushing whatever their flow chart says.  Got fit note, do x, no fit note do Y.  But it is up to the doctor not them.

I think if I try and get another fit note, they'll just refuse. The DWP and government want to force us all into work and make our lives a misery. After all, we are undesirables to them.

Hi there.  I can hear your desperation.

I have to point out this forum isn't a "government front" because it has nothing to do with the government.  NAS is a charity which kindly hosts this space so we can talk to each other about anything we want.  I hope that between us we can help lift your mood a bit and let you know you aren't alone.  Many of us have been in the space you are right now, even if we are OK at the moment.

From the sounds of it though, I'd say you aren't in any fit state to work at present.  Can you go back to your doctor to sign you off again?

As for the therapy, well, we have to be honest in as much as getting therapy that actually works for autistic people is not easy.  However, it is not hopeless.  Some folk get lucky and land on a therapist who is properly autism informed and skilled in tailoring to autistic communication, sensory and thought processes.  Some don't. For any therapy to work for you they must hold your autism central to their approach, not as a mere adjunct.  It is awful that people NT or ND have to wait so long to get what they need, but try to use the time until then thinking about what sort of adaptation you would need a therapist to make to facilitate the communication process and when your turn comes don't be afraid to ask what qualifications and experience they have in autism.

Hi man - sorry you're feeling this way. These feelings I am all too familiar with and I know how they can weigh you down. Don't give up on yourself and keep fighting, because that pain and darkness isn't forever and we're all here to stand with you as you work through these difficult times and feelings. Work isn't easy to come by, have you thought of volunteering? That is something that will keep you occupied and it might lead to work later on. I recently lost my job because my physical health is in a bad place, sucks for a 26 year old but that's life I guess. 

Hang in there mate. And do keep in touch here and with the Samaritans, most of their volunteers are understanding and supportive. They also offer an email service and sometimes an online chat. Don't go through it alone.

I've been where you are and it will get better. It does get better - as dark as it is right now, that darkness isn't forever.

Keep fighting. Wishing you the best man.

I don't know how to do anything anymore. I need guidance in my life, but no-one wants to provide it. Society wants me dead.

NAS runs this program. It seems very slim though. www.autism.org.uk/.../job-opportunities

I think in terms of the working world mostly society is indifferent. We are square pegs in round holes. That odd screw that doesn't appear in the plans for the ikea bed. It's not that employers or even the government hates us. We just don't fit into their ideas about business and the system. I've said it before the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Lets look at this another way. What can you do? What is your professional skill set? Maybe self employment is an option?