Published on 12, July, 2020
I came here in the hope of finding work and maybe finding a reason to keep on going, but there is nothing here. It's almost as if this place is just some sort of front for the government to say they are actually helping the autistic, when infact, they are just leaving us to die.
I hate the world, I've no desire to keep on living nor do I have a desire to connect with anymore as I just don't like anyone anymore. I keep wanting to get a job, but my lack of confidence, self-esteem and messed up head keeps me from doing so. I can't enjoy any of my hobbies because I keep worrying about work and now that my fit note is over, I'm going to keep getting hassle from DWP to find work while I wait ages for therapy, which probably won't do anything for me anyway. I want to die, but don't have it in me to kill myself and I have no desire to be apart of this heap of *** called modern civilization.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
Hello Soul Devoid,
I took an overdose in 2021 , a year after my father died . While I was in the Ambulance the Paramedic said to me 'Stop playing the victim, have a wash and a shave and get a job' and he had a full beard !!
When I arrived at Hospital I was asked if I wanted to talk to the Mental health staff , I said 'okay' Two women arrived and shared ultimate knowledge with me ,which was 'What do you want us to do ?'
At the time I was waiting for my Autism diagnosis , I was seeing a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. Then In 2022 in October I started stock pilling anti psychotic and anti depressants tablets , I was planning to take an overdose in the November ( I wanted to die in the Autumn, my favourite time of year )
I told my Psychologist what I was planning and she showed me her super hero ability - she was indifferent and useless. I can't explain what happened or why I thought about it but I realised there is only one person who can help and that is yourself, no one here can help you , they can offer advice , thoughts and give direction but they can't help you .
I was diagnosed with ASD in the December of that year and I have learnt there is nothing to live for but yourself . So now I completely submerge myself in music , painting , reading , playing guitar , researching , watching documentaries .
If you disappeared now , just vanished , life would carry on . I believe there is a George Harrison song ' Life flows within and without you' life would carry on and eventually you would be forgotten . We're all born against our will and we're all going to die but why not live for you and make the most of things for yourself . Beauty fades, love changes , friends come and go and you will all die alone . You are the greatest gift to yourself . You belong to you
I have 9 boxes of anti depressants and anti psychotic tablets in my Kitchen cupboard . When I went to see the Psychiatrist the last time ( March ) to be discharged he asked me If I were still taking my medication. At the time I felt fine and wasn't even thinking about anything like that . Talking to him made me self conscious ' You're anti social' , ' You lack empathy' for others .
I told him I had stopped taking the medication , I have 9 boxes and he wasn't getting them , they are mine and no one touches me or my things ... ever . Talking to him made me feel worse but I simply went back to what I was doing , enjoying me , enjoying myself because I am me and I belong to me, I am mine .
Only you can help you
Thanks for sharing your story, beautifully written too
Thank you Shardovan.