Published on 12, July, 2020
I came here in the hope of finding work and maybe finding a reason to keep on going, but there is nothing here. It's almost as if this place is just some sort of front for the government to say they are actually helping the autistic, when infact, they are just leaving us to die.
I hate the world, I've no desire to keep on living nor do I have a desire to connect with anymore as I just don't like anyone anymore. I keep wanting to get a job, but my lack of confidence, self-esteem and messed up head keeps me from doing so. I can't enjoy any of my hobbies because I keep worrying about work and now that my fit note is over, I'm going to keep getting hassle from DWP to find work while I wait ages for therapy, which probably won't do anything for me anyway. I want to die, but don't have it in me to kill myself and I have no desire to be apart of this heap of *** called modern civilization.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
What do YOU want?
If resources were of no consequence, what is the best possible scenario you can envision your life to become. This may not be immediately obvious, it may take some time to discover. If we're robbed of agency from a young age, we might not have learned how to escape our surroundings, find time to be and become and learn how to live life on our own terms, in control of our own surroundings.
I wanted to be employed and self-sufficient, but the government took that away from us. Now I just want to die.
This might sound a really dumb suggestion when you're so consumed by fixating thoughts and near-total despair (not judging, I've been there too and probably will be again), but could you manage one or two hours of escapism into a book, a podcast, a film? The reason I say it.... someone mentioned to me recently that they haven't had had s*icidal thoughts in four months, and that a big part of it was making themselves read every day. May not work for everyone, but has for them (formerly 'him', a big part of what they've been going through). Things get just a little more bearable for them every day and getting out of their head (in a healthy way) or rather into a different part of it has helped a lot.