My OH has just been diagnosed

I think as the Autistic half of our equation, that I will be much happier when I have my own 'autistic space' I could be wrong though, but that is what I see in my head.

Even though I've suspected my OH to be on the spectrum for a while, I'm still pretty new to this too. Look up the Spartan Life Coach on YouTube- he has so many great videos and although a lot of his videos are about being in a relationship with a narcissist, he very clearly explains the symptoms of Compex PTSD and how you can take back ownership of your thoughts and feelings. I'm honestly so happy to find out that I can fix how I feel. My goal is to become self soothing, i.e. able to comfort myself through positive thought process rather than having to rely on someone else...or a big cake! I wish you luck :-) 

I'm not sure. The best way I can describe it is that I'm extremely sensitive to subtle changes in loved one's behaviour and am unable to bear anyone's unhappiness or displeasure. I'm always 'taking the temperature of the room' and am most certainly a people pleaser. 

Would you describe yourself as an em-path by nature?

All valid questions worth giving some thought. With help from my therapist, I've come to think that the only way to find out is by taking the time away and healing some of my toxic shame. I'm programmed to be a carer - I grew up with a disabled dad and also lived in and cared for my lovely grandpa before he died. This is why my boundaries often become porous. I'd like to see if things could work with my current OH living separately. There must be a reason why I have two Autie men in my life (my good friend and my fella) - I tend to enjoy the straightforwardness of them, plus the tendency to analyse and be very intense....oh and don't forget the artistic temperament! I love musicians and artists although it doesn't always make for an easy life :-) 

Oh Wow, that is awesomely kind of you. 

Thank you Hendrow - that's really very thoughtful and helpful. I will respond to her :-)

Its really is!!!! 

Thank you ! I will start learning, this is literally all new, I hope I find a way... 

I have sent you an email, I would love you to talk to my 'long suffering' partner, I think she is very very lonely at times. She is not like me, with Skype, Messenger's, Unlimited Mobile, Landline FREE International call's -You get my gist. (Is that an Autistic thing?) Because I am happy in a cyber world. She is happy hugging her very furry, rescue bunnies.- We are like, Chalk and Cheese, come to mind! I am gonna send you another email, she read your post and I think she as a neuro-typical 'felt' and 'understood' for you. (I am crap at understanding people so I could be way off the mark, with what I saw.)

You're right Hendrow. A few months back I found myself on a different website discussion of AS partners and everyone was so negative. I didn't feel at all at home somewhere with so little understanding. 

You've made me chuckle....I adore my car as it's the only space where I have complete autonomy! Thanks for the advice. There isn't a local CODA to me and I've tried Alanon but found it a bit negative (plus I dislike the higher power stuff). I've done a lot of recent work using emotional flashback stopping techniques which has been immensely helpful. It's amazing that your SO has found work...I know how big these seemingly small achievements are :-)

You people here are just so damn nice, its refreshing. <3

My one bit of advice is to seek support from one of the 12 step programs for partners. If there is no CODA locally then many AL-ANON groups are good to help you manage your over-caring.

It's hard being the primary earner. I've been there. My SO Just gave me the best birthday present ever: he got a professional job after 5 years of struggling with a whole heap of trauma. So much of what he needed to learn was to break old patterns of defensiveness and although I could point out the issues, he had to implement change. Fortunately an opportunity to do a self employment course seemed to finally add the extra oomph he needed that when a job came up he was willing to try a different approach to the interview.

My SO has ADHD and cPTSD, and his daughters have ADHD and ASD, with undefined trauma thanks to their mother's considerable neglect.

I've been on a ride this last 6 years. I've had to learn to make me space in the relationship. We work well most of the time in a house together (well other than the matter of finishing tasks...damn ADHD!). I joke my slightly expensive gym membership is cheaper than therapy because it gives me a mindfulness space and great showers.

Do you think the relationship still has a chance? Is it the burden of both breadwinner AND career that has tipped things over the edge?

you said " I'd like to try living separately but still be in a relationship. " - does that mean this relationship?

make sure you give yourself time to find your feet and heal open wounds first.......particularly as relationships in the past haven't been great.  Do you find that this is a typical scenario for you that you end up don't everything for the other person and your own expense????

you don't gave to answer any if those questions btw...just trying to reach out and give support?

BTW, I'm a big fan of Mondrian :-)

I have many good friends and a trusted therapist (for when I'd rather just keep my friends as friends!). My family have helped me get the deposit for a flat together. In the scheme of things I consider myself fortunate.....just not very accustomed to healthy relationships.

At the moment it does........but things can and DO shift....

great to hear that he has the support network.....how about you?

Hi EiR, His parents are fairly supportive. He also has a rich (yet reluctant to help) grandfather. I'm guessing once I move out they'll have to step up and start funding things themselves. Right now everything seems like such a mess! 

Hi Tom, thanks for your reply. He has chronic eczema and allergies due to leaky gut syndrome. Most of the time this renders him unable to do much at all. His family are local and quite supportive. Unfortunately, I've gotten myself in to a situation of paying their mortgage and am worrying about moving out and making things financially difficult for them. A whole load of codependency going on! The kind of support I'd need is to have a place of my own in which to just be. My current environment is very controlled (not in a tidy way) and has never felt like a home. I'd love to persevere, learn to accept things as they are but my worsening mental state tells me this would be an unhealthy thing to do. LAT seems like the best thing to do by far.