My OH has just been diagnosed

Hi Littlewarbler,

Sorry to read of your problems.  I have ASC myself and have made the decision not to have any more co-habiting relationships.  I know how hard it can be on the other person.  All of the partners and girlfriends I've had over the years (not a huge number by any means) have not hung around for very long.  My poor ex-wife was with me for five years - the longest by far (months or weeks for the rest) - and I know what hell it must have been for her come the end.  I just find it hard and inhibiting having someone else share my space.  If I had a big enough house where we could have separate quarters - including kitchens and bathrooms - that would be okay.  It would have to be LAT otherwise (living apart together).  It's better for me, of course - but it's better for the other person, too.  I really wouldn't want anyone else to have to make the compromises I need - which isn't to say that I can't make them myself.  It's just that they usually are more than I can manage.  I've tried hard, believe me. 

When you talk about 'carer', it sounds like your partner has needs which require the assistance of another person.  Is that right?  Would he qualify for some kind of daily support that could give you much-needed respite? 

Sorry... I know it's not much help.  I wish you well and hope you can find a resolution to this all before it gets worse. 

Best wishes,

Tom

Hi Tom, thanks for your reply. He has chronic eczema and allergies due to leaky gut syndrome. Most of the time this renders him unable to do much at all. His family are local and quite supportive. Unfortunately, I've gotten myself in to a situation of paying their mortgage and am worrying about moving out and making things financially difficult for them. A whole load of codependency going on! The kind of support I'd need is to have a place of my own in which to just be. My current environment is very controlled (not in a tidy way) and has never felt like a home. I'd love to persevere, learn to accept things as they are but my worsening mental state tells me this would be an unhealthy thing to do. LAT seems like the best thing to do by far.

My one bit of advice is to seek support from one of the 12 step programs for partners. If there is no CODA locally then many AL-ANON groups are good to help you manage your over-caring.

It's hard being the primary earner. I've been there. My SO Just gave me the best birthday present ever: he got a professional job after 5 years of struggling with a whole heap of trauma. So much of what he needed to learn was to break old patterns of defensiveness and although I could point out the issues, he had to implement change. Fortunately an opportunity to do a self employment course seemed to finally add the extra oomph he needed that when a job came up he was willing to try a different approach to the interview.

My SO has ADHD and cPTSD, and his daughters have ADHD and ASD, with undefined trauma thanks to their mother's considerable neglect.

I've been on a ride this last 6 years. I've had to learn to make me space in the relationship. We work well most of the time in a house together (well other than the matter of finishing tasks...damn ADHD!). I joke my slightly expensive gym membership is cheaper than therapy because it gives me a mindfulness space and great showers.

My one bit of advice is to seek support from one of the 12 step programs for partners. If there is no CODA locally then many AL-ANON groups are good to help you manage your over-caring.

It's hard being the primary earner. I've been there. My SO Just gave me the best birthday present ever: he got a professional job after 5 years of struggling with a whole heap of trauma. So much of what he needed to learn was to break old patterns of defensiveness and although I could point out the issues, he had to implement change. Fortunately an opportunity to do a self employment course seemed to finally add the extra oomph he needed that when a job came up he was willing to try a different approach to the interview.

My SO has ADHD and cPTSD, and his daughters have ADHD and ASD, with undefined trauma thanks to their mother's considerable neglect.

I've been on a ride this last 6 years. I've had to learn to make me space in the relationship. We work well most of the time in a house together (well other than the matter of finishing tasks...damn ADHD!). I joke my slightly expensive gym membership is cheaper than therapy because it gives me a mindfulness space and great showers.

You've made me chuckle....I adore my car as it's the only space where I have complete autonomy! Thanks for the advice. There isn't a local CODA to me and I've tried Alanon but found it a bit negative (plus I dislike the higher power stuff). I've done a lot of recent work using emotional flashback stopping techniques which has been immensely helpful. It's amazing that your SO has found work...I know how big these seemingly small achievements are :-)