I went to see a GP this morning...

Thank you everyone! Your posts are wonderful to read.

In the past, 14/15 years ago, I suffered badly with depression. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and I attempted suicide on more than one occasion. One of these attempts got me sectioned for a month due to it's severity. I was on anti-depressants for a very long time after that.

Since then I could say I've been depressed on many occasions, or had dark thoughts. If I was alone, no children or partner I would probably have been long gone by now.

I believe the depression is purely down to the fact that I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

I don't approach people who are new around me, I always wait to be introduced by someone else. once introduced I never make the effort to ask questions about the person, get to know them. Lots of awkwardness etc. I always come up with a brilliant list of questions the following day when it's too late.

Generally I keep myself to myself. Around people I know, or family I'm close to, I can seem very extrovernt and confident. Inside it's just a huge battle to not go into another room and sit playing on my phone away from everyone else.

I think I would be a bit less categorical about your prospects without diagnosis but in the end, in your situation I would encourage you to pursue it.

Some people get through life with autism without catastrophes and without serious mental illness. Others, especially a lot of those (e.g. like CC) that have ended up on this forum having gone through the mill of the mental health system for many years without someone spotting the hidden problem that lurked behind all of their issues. I've ended up here following serious issues at work and needed the diagnosis to put me back on my perch. In hindsight I suffered depression and other issues but nothing serious enough to make me go to the doctor who I generally avoid - I had a thorough phobia of hospitals and anything medical. In many cases, the environment can be benign and supportive for someone with autism but others cannot cope with everyday life at all. It all depends! It is a spectrum disorder and we also have massively different environments so our experience and ability to cope does vary.

You sound as though you have issues with anxiety and perhaps worse. You have a young child to look after and you might find that family life without a diagnosis and some help with preserving your equilibrium may be challenging.

It is distressingly common to hear of doctors who have no idea about identifying autism in their patients but it sounds as though you have been referred (you should be able to confirm this by talking to the receptionists at the surgery) to see someone who should be able to work it out. I don't think I could be as patient as Asparagus and I actually read voraciously about it before I was diagnosed. I started with www.amazon.co.uk/.../1606236342 which both confirmed my suspicions and told me that a diagnosis wouldn't be a bad thing. The book felt a bit like finding an instruction manual for my own mind!

You're welcome, and I'm glad you got something out of it. I think I'd agree that your headacxhe is down to the stress you're under, this is a particularly hard and confusing time for you and your head is probably full of randomly racing thoughts.

Whatever you do, understand that it is impossible for you to be wasting anyone's time with this. AS is a serious issue, but please also consider this. Clearly, you have some issues, they're blighting your life, and you really don't know who you are. This situation, in anyone, will induce mental imbalance leading to ill health, and psychiatrists and enlightened GPs know very well that mental unwellness also leads to physical symptoms. I'm not talking about 'mental illness. Many of us have had all sorts of 'diagnoses' (commonly Bipolar) because AS diagnosis is poor and the condition barely understood.

Given that you are in this position, it's in your best interests to be properly diagnosed. If you AREN'T diagnosed AS, well that eliminates AS so the answer must be something else and they'd better find it - that's why we pay health insurance and you're just as entitled as anyone to claim on it when you're not well. Either way, you're nearer to your answer, and that can only be a good thing. It's certainly an improvement on the dark abyss of not knowing why you feel the way you feel, or why the things that go on in your head, do.

Your life isn't changed at the moment, just because you're pursuing this. Your thoughts are changed, your confusion maybe added to, this is a BIG thing to process, but your daily life hasn't markedly shifted. Routine is important, so carry on with the routines that you've always had, keep talking on here whenever you need to because we hope that you're finding some comfort and support in just being here, and the time will pass. I won't go into a long explanation of why I say this, but try not to discuss your situation with anyone (apart from your wife, of course) - we have learned between us that this is a good position to adopt. I'll explain if you want me to, or you can trust the advice. Up to you, no problem either way.

A dog is a very good idea - you have to take it out (although as you say, meeting other dog walkers can be a bit of a trial) and get some 'you' time, and dogs love us unconditionaly anyway, because they're stupid (with occasional evidence of brain function!) but loyal! Training them can be very rewarding, as it involves routine...

Doubt, confusion, stress, anxiety - we've all had, and have them - and the rest! Some of our 'functionality' revolves around how high or low they are at any given time. Remember, you're not alone and you're not talking to people who can't understand, we get you.

Thanks for that post Classic Codger!

I have had a headache for 2 days now, I don't know if it's stress or what...!

Overnight and today I have been totally questioning myself... am I really Autistic or am I just someone who is below average socially, or just doesn't like certain things that happen to appear on lists of traits that point to Aspergers.

I don't want to waste anyone's time with this, and I would hate to take an appointment away from someone who may need it more than me!

I was walking the puppy first thing this morning and I "met" two other dog walkers who seemed keen to talk, about dogs, about how cold it was etc. Reflecting on those meetings I wish I could have said more, I really wanted to but just couldn't muster any form of conversation! i didn't even ask what their dogs were called... when I'm with my other half, I let her do the talking because she's very outgoing and confident. I seem happy to sit on the fringes, or busy myself making sure our 4 year old doesn't tread in dogs muck out on the field.

If I was drunk I'd yabber for ages, about nothing... that's why I gave it up, because I realised it was masking something. i didn't know what until fairly recently.

I agree with you classic codger. There is nothing more I can add

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Hi, I'm a late diagnosed older AS person, so just wanted to offer you some of my thoughts. We don't all agree on everything, so please try to remember that this is my personal view and it isn't all shared by everyone.

Your GP is right to say 'autism', so don't get upset about that at all. The professionals are trying to get all spectrum conditions called 'spectrum conditions' so it sounds like he's at least up to date on that one! Depending on when they got their diagnosis, there is a range of 'titles' that people use, aspie being the most common. That's fine, whatever the description we'll generaly read it as 'one of us'. Some of us call autism spectrum a 'condition', some call it a 'disorder', and I don't want to be rude to either, that's why I use AS instead of ASD or ASC.

Your GP is also right to note that you think you're on the spectrum. Many people have to identify their condition to their doctor, and we spend some time telling seekers how to approach this, in pretty much the way that you have anyway, so well done for that - the first approach is the hardest.

Your anxiety is perfectly normal for anyone faced with the unknown. Of course you're anxious, you neither know what's coming next nor what the outcome will be. We might sound sanguine about it, but delays are 'normal' (but incredibly hard to bear) and there's little that can be done about it. On the positive side, you've got the process started so there's something to look forward to. In a year's time, you'll be a year older - if you hadn't started the process, you could have ended up a year older and no nearer to an answer, but that's not going to happen now. Brilliant!

What often happens is that a person gets refered to the local CMHT for pre-screening, and it is they who decide whether to put you forward for a full assessment. As an example, I know someone who is going through the process at the moment. The approach to the doctor was the same as yours, the pre-screen is over, after a 2 month wait, they were put forward for the full assessment, and the letter that came from the assessor last week says it'll be about 35 weeks before they can offer an appointment.

We can't take away your anxiety, but we can, and will, talk to you about it. Let's face it, whether you're anxious or not the process will take the time it takes. I've advised others to just try and put it away for the time being (that's what I did and it worked for me, like Asparagus, I prefered to go in 'cold') but this is easier for some than others I know, so if you can't, you can't. Just accept it and do your best to endure the passage of time untill it's your turn. If it's really getting to you and you can't settle, please please please don't be afraid to ask your GP for some meds to help you along. It isn't 'chickening out', and there's no rewards for bravery - if you need it, get it.

Don't be misled by your doctor's misconception of 'functionality' because we know very well that our functionality is constantly moving. They call 'functionality' whether or not you can dress yourself etc - I call that routine born of habit and training. Whether I am functional whilst I'm doing it is another matter alltogether, my test is 'am I functional enough to go and post this letter?' but NTs really don't get it. If anyone calls you 'high function' spit in their eye for me, would you? There's no such thing, but people still insist on using it and have no understanding at all of what they're saying.

Some of what you say is AS in flavour, which is hopefuly why you're here. We'll talk with you, support you, help if we can, and stand by your side all the way. You are not alone.

I hope that I've written something helpful, but if I haven't, feel free to ignore it! Good luck

The term Asperger's is being phased out and they will diagnose Autism so the doctors referral is appropriate. Asperger's is just a subdivision of Autism with an added distinction that people with Asperger's aren't intellectually challenged.

The waiting lists are ridiculous but they probably reflect increasing numbers of people recognising that autism is a possibility.

Do you have another GP in the practice in that you could make the appointment and clarify if an referal has been made?

Yes he is right to warn you of a long waiting time.  It does happen in time but it is long. Think my waiting time was about a year and a half. I was diagnosed at 45 just two year ago. Think I met a more empathetic audience though as it wasn't me making the request but a Psychologist.  They did put on the screen Aspergers assesment because at that time I was needing sick notes for DWP and because that referal had been made they would only put on waiting for assessment. But that was good enough for the DWP then.

It can seem very frustrating when met with awkwardness. But main thing you can do is check whether the referal for an assessment has been made. I chose not to read anything about it so I could go in 'cold' to the assessments. I wasn't trying to perform to expectation. I was simply being me. It was hard waiting to be able to read something and boy I caught up after the assessments.  I got what I needed.

It is a very long wait though. 

I'm starting to question in my head whether the GP will actually make the referral.

He wrote on his screen "Thinks is Autistic"... I didn't meantion Autism specifically, just Aspergers. I don't know if I'm being too literal...

While it may not have been the best experience, it does sound as though you achieved what you went in there for, in that he is going to make the referral for an assessment.  So you will know, one way or another.

He is right to prepare you for a long wait, based on what I have read the waiting lists vary from a few months to a couple of years depending on area.

It is also not a bad thing to consider other possibilities prior to the diagnostic assessment, since they do not always confirm an autism diagnosis, and being prepared for either outcome may be helpful, although he is being somewhat premature in suggesting the likely result before you've even had the assessment.

Good luck, I know the waiting can be a very anxious time.