Recently Diagnosed and Struggling

You're very welcome. I'm happy to have helped. I hope your appointment goes well and life gets easier for you. If appropriate, please let me know how you progress. If not, no problem - I wish you the best.

Thank you very much for your helpful response. I'm reminded of what a fellow cancer patient told me: you will never be the same person you were on the day before your diagnosis and only other patients can truly understand what you're going through. It feels the same with Autism but there's a relief knowing I have Autism, there's no relief with cancer! It's a dreadful experience but I approach it with a positive attitude, as I'll do with Autism.

Well they say that two major phases to autism diagnosis is that:   
You have the elation of knowing who are or having more information to find out, then their can be a feeling of despair at the lack of resources and support out there.

But my recommendation is to let the dust settle and allocate time for mindfulness, it is scary to have been ‘kept’ in a familiar ‘pond’ as a seemingly-peerless individual, only to be thrust in a peer-full place that is unknown to you. You have a life-long diagnosis now, a life-long community, and no one can take that from you. Take some time to enjoy the view!

It is very much a positive place to be, where you have a relationship and professional-associations, many autistic-individuals don’t achieve such levels success (especially just on coping-mechanism alone). Just imagine what you will be able to achieve with more targeted-support and understanding! 

Thank you, your advice has helped me immensely and I have contacted my GP, who has made an appointment for me in April. I wish I had come on here two years ago when I first became suspicious; better late than never!

By the way, I have now completed the other two tests you mentioned and both were extremely high scores. In fact, the 10-question one scored 9, until I looked at the question (about understanding reading, ironically) and found I had read it wrong and so did in fact score a full ten (without even trying, haha).

Seriously though, getting a result - even though it is only provisional at the moment - is like a light being turned on and explains so much of my life to date; it provides answers for all the niggling fears, anxieties and questions I have lived with throughout life so far. It's like having a familiar but mysterious object suddenly having a name tag hung on it, so I can find out about it.

Thanks again.

Hi. I'm so glad the information was helpful and you now have a clearer indication for Autism, which I hope lessens any confusion.

I think the next step is to get a knowledgeable doctor or mental health professional to "validate" an Autism diagnosis. I have to add that they should make a differential diagnosis to make sure your symptoms are indeed Autism and not due to the other conditions you have been diagnosed with previously (depression, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks - I have those too, but for me, I also have nearly all of the main indicators for Autism. I believe my anxiety is caused by my Autism).

I think the Autism diagnosis just clicked for me - it made sense in explaining my whole life. I'm in your age range (I'm 63) and I need to mention that seeing the clear results and certainty of Autism shook me up and confused my self-identity. People are not the same, of course, so your reaction could be completely different. I hope you are ok under the circumstances and please contact someone at the National Autistic Society if you need to get more or urgent help or support.

If you haven't already, it may also help to learn more about Autism from reputable websites and organisations, like the National Autistic Society. I started researching Autism a lot and, to be honest, I had to take a break from reading so much and seeing so many TV programmes because I was getting distressed and mentally overloaded. So I suggest getting information at a pace that's right for you.

I had to go out today for a hospital appointment not related to Autism (a bone scan) and I experienced exactly what you said - it takes me 2 hours to get myself to go out. My main problems/stresses are difficulty and worry figuring out what's appropriate to wear for the weather; worrying about being on time, being around people and having to communicate with them; the amount of noise and excessive visual images (I live in London so crowds and noise are constant!). Also, after discovering my Autism, going out feels much more different. I really notice my (negative) reactions to trying to converse with people and being bombarded by so many sounds and visuals. I now know and recognise the effects of my Autism, which is both a positive and a negative in my opinion.

It's good to recognise that our thoughts and behaviour are not our fault. It's a physical/brain condition and not a personal failing or a choice we make. We all have good qualities as people. Good Luck! 

Definitely! Take care.

I have just done the online RAADS-R test and was scored 211. Above 65 is probably autistic and it goes up to 240. I don't know where to turn or what to do next. Thanks for your help.

I'm pleased it is working for you here.  I have found a lot of solace, comfort, help, advice and support from many of the people on these pages.  Pay it forward !

Thank you so much for that information. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder, social anxiety and panic attacks for almost ten years. I heard some things on the radio about two years ago that made me think that behind all that is autism. I mentioned it to my GP a year or so ago and was told it will take maybe two years to get tested. I have read many versions of the symptoms of autism and can tick just about every box at various levels. Two of my three friends (I am not good at social interaction) who have experience of autism in their families have said that I do come across as being autistic to them. I have always masked since I was a child, I am 61 now. It takes me two hours or more to psyche myself up to go out anywhere. Once again, thanks for the information, I will follow it through.

Perhaps you could get an idea of whether you have Autism by taking a standardised test online - I took a few and the long, thorough RAADS-R was very helpful to me. Also, the Autism Spectrum Quotient and the CAT-Q which measures social camouflaging or masking Autistic traits. If your scores indicate you are possibly Autistic or in the spectrum, you can go to a doctor with that information and he or she can give you a diagnosis or explore other psychological issues you may have.

As background, I was a psychotherapist who used standardised testing - and I also designed and administered my own standardised tests. Good luck and I hope you get the accurate answers you need. 

Thank you for your helpful contribution. Yes, I think acceptance and self-understanding help. I think my anxiety is linked to my Autism and is underneath my "masked" persona. Also, massive exhaustion. I've always felt false in interactions with people, like I'm acting (as you point out). 

Regarding medication, I can't give advice but my personal belief is that my 2 anxiety and depression medications are helping me through my new diagnosis of Autism (a diagnosis that I didn't expect). I believe medication helping the brain helps my experiences with Autism - the thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I'm not heavily medicated so I do have clear thoughts and the ability to analyse/understand myself.

Like I said, that's just my opinion about medication. Others will have their own thoughts about it. Also, if your doctor understands your health issues, he or she can advise you specifically and more successfully.

Everything you have described is exactly like my own suspicions of myself but I have not yet been diagnosed, so I'm hanging in the balance.

Hi Number.

Thank you!  I'm definitely enjoying my start in this community. It's amazing to be able to read everyone's helpful descriptions of their experiences, thoughts and advice. 

I'm actually starting to feel that calmness you mentioned. I think it's realising that there is now a valid reason (Autism) for my thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviour that have made me feel different from other people. That the difference is not my fault, it's my wiring. That aha/lightbulb moment has made me much more accepting of myself.

I'm still struggling with my self-identity. Am I the "mask" or the person with Autism under the mask. That will take time.

I discovered my Autism back in February by taking an approved standardised assessment test. I scored massively above the recognised score for Autism. Prior to this I watched the Chris Packham BBC documentary about Autism. A lot of it made me think that my "eccentricities" and difficulties with people may be more than that. Therefore, I took the test. I didn't expect to confirm Autism, nor score so highly!

As a child, I did feel different and unconnected. It was like looking into a TV set and watching people. However, as I grew up and during adulthood, I masked/camouflaged successfully (in society) for many years. However, inside my head, I hated having to be "someone else" for other people (who I didn't like or respect). That applied to all my work situations. Because I was "different" I didn't get the respect I deserved (I did very complex research). For some reason I have always had high self-esteem so I was internally angry about my undeserved disrespect. My last job left me with some PTSD, it was that bad.

Fortunately now I'm in this community and, even over a short time, I'm getting great support from people like you. Thank you so much. Take care!

Thank you for your very interesting response, which I read carefully twice. I looked into the Anti-Oedipus book and theories and I read Foucault's preface (I know it's not like reading the entire book but I have concentration and retention of written information problems). I responded to the focus on the individual, something that drew me to the books and theories of Ayn Rand. My favourite book of all time is The Fountainhead, but I'm probably off your response theories. Sorry!

I also responded to your mention of introversion and extroversion. Of course I always believed that I'm an introvert, now with Autism I understand why and how deeply and differently my introversion is compared to a non-Autistic introvert.

When I studied to become a psychotherapist I remember when the theory behind Autism was that the mother did not bond with her child. The filmed image of an Autistic child was one banging on pots and pans, unbelievable! Obviously, research (especially into the brain) has expanded since then and resulting theories are more helpful. Still, much needs to be done - especially regarding Autistic girls and women. The American university I went to exposed us to all types of psychotherapy schools of thought and we were supposed to choose and use what we connected to most. Then, I had an interest in behaviourism probably due to the external logic. However, later, I became fascinated by genetic and biological research and theories. Therefore, I like nature vs nurture issues.

Also, I do like the word "camouflage" rather than "masking" after reading what you wrote. Thinking about terminology, "masking" sounds like a conscious, active suppression/cover-up of Autistic behaviour. "Camouflaging" sounds like a gentler blending into the woodwork. That's just my thoughts and opinions.

Again, thank you for getting me to think more deeply. Though I'm nowhere near your level of knowledge and understanding, I enjoy learning new information. 

So many of us going through the same. I too saw it in others but not in myself until after I retired. I think I  have now come through the end of my adjustment and acceptance of my Autism.  I could regret nit having been diagnosed earlier but I didn't so I just accept it. Indeed I may not have been able to do what I did in my career if I had known. I have also accepted that I am not a different person now I know I am Autistic.  I just understand myself better. During my life I have been repeatedly treated for depression and PTSD. I can now see that I probably had neither. It was just that the symptoms were a result of the effort that went into trying to appear normal. The tears were not depression but desperation when I could see things others could not. They were obvious to me but not to those suffering from Autistic Traits Deficiency Disorder. As to who I am without the mask; I have always felt I have been acting a part. I can just stop acting when I don't need to. My last question is whether I need to keep taking Mirtazapine. I think it has helped me cope and keep up the mask. Obviously I would not just stop or even cut back without medical advice but I can see what happens as I slowly cut back. Has anyone else done this already?

Good morning Kitty,

Welcome to the WTAF club.

I hope you will hang around these pages to share in this community.  

It does seem to take some time for the conscious mind to catch up with the reality of our own wiring.  I have experienced ups and downs....but a pervasive calmness has persisted throughout and that has sustained me.

The key question for me at this point (about 8 months in) is how can I harness my new knowledge to improve my life and the lives of those around me.  Current "trials" are delivery encouraging results.

I'm interested to know what brought you to the point of discovering your autism....problems?  A growing sense of "other"?

Anyway, I am pleased to see you here.  Welcome.

Kind regards

Number.

Have you ever read Delueze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus? This is the round-a-bout way I discovered what Autism is and it's a volume on Ethics according to Foucault. Reading Deleuze, the way he explains a thing gave me the sense... as if I'd finally found someone who could better explain the world. And he does it with all the kindness of someone who cares enough to fill in the gaps and leave no stone unturned. From there I discovered the matter of Sublimation. Something Jung noticed a particular "type" wasn't quite doing. The Type problem of Aethetics is remarkable as he - in line with calculated potential cultural shifts (found in Anti-Oedipus but also trajectories suggested by Orwell) which dictate who is Might and thus, Right, points out the reign of the Extrovert detailing distinctions between Ext and Introvert inclinations. Pair the extroverts Participation-Mystique with modern Capitalist-driven ad agencies and we have these grand magicians of society (with massive budgets to woo the masses) creating new myths. Homogenisation of thought is one media click away.

I would suggest it makes perfect sense Deleluze would move his class to the opposite side of Paris, scheduled at the same time as Lacan, if you look at his writings through an Autistic-Analytic lens. Also curious if Guattari was ADHD (who else would conceive of Chaosophy?). 

I don't know enough, still studying all their works along with my full-time (over time) self-employment + one adult kid who's turning out to be a great human. But as for Autism, I have a lot of theories! The first mostly that we have been becoming a mismatch for society, with force. Autism is actually a sociological problem, and shouldn't be a problem. It's been largely "identified" by what characterises Trauma than Autistic Potential. Mid last century, most of us would've been accepted for our quirks and and even appreciated for traits which should have been allowed to thrive and helped into our natural inclinations, provided fortunate enough to have the right help. But the one bit which is surprising me the most is the biological issue with GABA levels and the papers I've read on this. It is a biology, psychology and neurology: we are whole beings.

As for the Persona, what, if any of it have we acquired? While I find Lacan a bit of what Chesterton would call a Mystigogue, I won't throw him out. He noticed Autistics weren't creating defence mechanisms. Add nurture and personality, and we either don't notice a lack of relating 'with' or have the right middle class values which someone thankfully spelled out in detail to work with our social milieu. One of the underlying mechanisms which seems to be the case is the different use of 'language' to some degree, for function rather than meaning, and seems to be at a root level to many differences. I'm not a fan of the use of 'Masking' for the Autist, but Camouflaging makes a little better sense. Also, regarding the "Persona", in contrast to the need to be unique and authentic, autistics often find they'd like to know the rules and work out how to connect or feel understood or even relate with others - we're not disintegrating back into the socius behind a mask we're neurologically rewarded for. 

Anyway, we're much more than a collexion of concepts. Long before Delueze I read the Artists Way and it helped with learning to listen to my being. 

There's a lot of concepts built over the last few hundred years in psychology that might actually apply to most. But I'm quite interested in seeing if perhaps they don't apply to the Autistic. Our human "design" is a little different. And while a valuable part of biodiversity (Neurodiversity), I wonder if it's always been this way, or if the way a Lacanian neurotic is formed doesn't actually take effect in the Autistic being.

That's very helpful. Thank you so much for your explanations and good advice. I find I'm more blunt and I say what I think when unmasking at home, where it's safe. I have to keep it from sounding rude or uncaring though.

Thanks for the reassurance, it will take time. What shocked me most was the realisation that I'm not really who I thought I was.

Don't worry. The diagnosis can be a big shock and I think it's quite natural to be confused about your identity while you're processing it all. I'm kind of glad that you said this. I was diagnosed about 18 months ago and I went through a similar thing - I was in and out of denial for a bit, and I became extremely self-conscious, overthinking what everyone must be thinking about me, and probably acting a lot more autistic because I was so uncomfortable around people. You'll get over it when you've had more processing time :)

I think you're right, both the masking persona and the persona are valid parts of who you are. No one displays their true inner self all the time. (There'd be nothing special about intimacy if we did that.) You probably need to experiment a bit to figure out how much 'unmasking' feels safe and you might get the balance wrong sometimes.

I have found that allowing myself to be more openly autistic (with trustworthy people) is usually good. Masking less allows me to relax more and concentrate better on my work. Making yourself unecessarily vulnerable, so you regret it later, is usually bad.

I only tell people I'm autistic if a) I'm close to them  b) I know they're neurodivergent or c) I think it would make my life easier if they understood.