Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
Have you ever read Delueze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus? This is the round-a-bout way I discovered what Autism is and it's a volume on Ethics according to Foucault. Reading Deleuze, the way he explains a thing gave me the sense... as if I'd finally found someone who could better explain the world. And he does it with all the kindness of someone who cares enough to fill in the gaps and leave no stone unturned. From there I discovered the matter of Sublimation. Something Jung noticed a particular "type" wasn't quite doing. The Type problem of Aethetics is remarkable as he - in line with calculated potential cultural shifts (found in Anti-Oedipus but also trajectories suggested by Orwell) which dictate who is Might and thus, Right, points out the reign of the Extrovert detailing distinctions between Ext and Introvert inclinations. Pair the extroverts Participation-Mystique with modern Capitalist-driven ad agencies and we have these grand magicians of society (with massive budgets to woo the masses) creating new myths. Homogenisation of thought is one media click away.
I would suggest it makes perfect sense Deleluze would move his class to the opposite side of Paris, scheduled at the same time as Lacan, if you look at his writings through an Autistic-Analytic lens. Also curious if Guattari was ADHD (who else would conceive of Chaosophy?).
I don't know enough, still studying all their works along with my full-time (over time) self-employment + one adult kid who's turning out to be a great human. But as for Autism, I have a lot of theories! The first mostly that we have been becoming a mismatch for society, with force. Autism is actually a sociological problem, and shouldn't be a problem. It's been largely "identified" by what characterises Trauma than Autistic Potential. Mid last century, most of us would've been accepted for our quirks and and even appreciated for traits which should have been allowed to thrive and helped into our natural inclinations, provided fortunate enough to have the right help. But the one bit which is surprising me the most is the biological issue with GABA levels and the papers I've read on this. It is a biology, psychology and neurology: we are whole beings.
As for the Persona, what, if any of it have we acquired? While I find Lacan a bit of what Chesterton would call a Mystigogue, I won't throw him out. He noticed Autistics weren't creating defence mechanisms. Add nurture and personality, and we either don't notice a lack of relating 'with' or have the right middle class values which someone thankfully spelled out in detail to work with our social milieu. One of the underlying mechanisms which seems to be the case is the different use of 'language' to some degree, for function rather than meaning, and seems to be at a root level to many differences. I'm not a fan of the use of 'Masking' for the Autist, but Camouflaging makes a little better sense. Also, regarding the "Persona", in contrast to the need to be unique and authentic, autistics often find they'd like to know the rules and work out how to connect or feel understood or even relate with others - we're not disintegrating back into the socius behind a mask we're neurologically rewarded for.
Anyway, we're much more than a collexion of concepts. Long before Delueze I read the Artists Way and it helped with learning to listen to my being.
There's a lot of concepts built over the last few hundred years in psychology that might actually apply to most. But I'm quite interested in seeing if perhaps they don't apply to the Autistic. Our human "design" is a little different. And while a valuable part of biodiversity (Neurodiversity), I wonder if it's always been this way, or if the way a Lacanian neurotic is formed doesn't actually take effect in the Autistic being.
Thank you for your very interesting response, which I read carefully twice. I looked into the Anti-Oedipus book and theories and I read Foucault's preface (I know it's not like reading the entire book but I have concentration and retention of written information problems). I responded to the focus on the individual, something that drew me to the books and theories of Ayn Rand. My favourite book of all time is The Fountainhead, but I'm probably off your response theories. Sorry!
I also responded to your mention of introversion and extroversion. Of course I always believed that I'm an introvert, now with Autism I understand why and how deeply and differently my introversion is compared to a non-Autistic introvert.
When I studied to become a psychotherapist I remember when the theory behind Autism was that the mother did not bond with her child. The filmed image of an Autistic child was one banging on pots and pans, unbelievable! Obviously, research (especially into the brain) has expanded since then and resulting theories are more helpful. Still, much needs to be done - especially regarding Autistic girls and women. The American university I went to exposed us to all types of psychotherapy schools of thought and we were supposed to choose and use what we connected to most. Then, I had an interest in behaviourism probably due to the external logic. However, later, I became fascinated by genetic and biological research and theories. Therefore, I like nature vs nurture issues.
Also, I do like the word "camouflage" rather than "masking" after reading what you wrote. Thinking about terminology, "masking" sounds like a conscious, active suppression/cover-up of Autistic behaviour. "Camouflaging" sounds like a gentler blending into the woodwork. That's just my thoughts and opinions.
Again, thank you for getting me to think more deeply. Though I'm nowhere near your level of knowledge and understanding, I enjoy learning new information.