Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
Don't worry. The diagnosis can be a big shock and I think it's quite natural to be confused about your identity while you're processing it all. I'm kind of glad that you said this. I was diagnosed about 18 months ago and I went through a similar thing - I was in and out of denial for a bit, and I became extremely self-conscious, overthinking what everyone must be thinking about me, and probably acting a lot more autistic because I was so uncomfortable around people. You'll get over it when you've had more processing time :)
I think you're right, both the masking persona and the persona are valid parts of who you are. No one displays their true inner self all the time. (There'd be nothing special about intimacy if we did that.) You probably need to experiment a bit to figure out how much 'unmasking' feels safe and you might get the balance wrong sometimes.
I have found that allowing myself to be more openly autistic (with trustworthy people) is usually good. Masking less allows me to relax more and concentrate better on my work. Making yourself unecessarily vulnerable, so you regret it later, is usually bad.
I only tell people I'm autistic if a) I'm close to them b) I know they're neurodivergent or c) I think it would make my life easier if they understood.
That's very helpful. Thank you so much for your explanations and good advice. I find I'm more blunt and I say what I think when unmasking at home, where it's safe. I have to keep it from sounding rude or uncaring though.