Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
So many of us going through the same. I too saw it in others but not in myself until after I retired. I think I have now come through the end of my adjustment and acceptance of my Autism. I could regret nit having been diagnosed earlier but I didn't so I just accept it. Indeed I may not have been able to do what I did in my career if I had known. I have also accepted that I am not a different person now I know I am Autistic. I just understand myself better. During my life I have been repeatedly treated for depression and PTSD. I can now see that I probably had neither. It was just that the symptoms were a result of the effort that went into trying to appear normal. The tears were not depression but desperation when I could see things others could not. They were obvious to me but not to those suffering from Autistic Traits Deficiency Disorder. As to who I am without the mask; I have always felt I have been acting a part. I can just stop acting when I don't need to. My last question is whether I need to keep taking Mirtazapine. I think it has helped me cope and keep up the mask. Obviously I would not just stop or even cut back without medical advice but I can see what happens as I slowly cut back. Has anyone else done this already?
Thank you for your helpful contribution. Yes, I think acceptance and self-understanding help. I think my anxiety is linked to my Autism and is underneath my "masked" persona. Also, massive exhaustion. I've always felt false in interactions with people, like I'm acting (as you point out).
Regarding medication, I can't give advice but my personal belief is that my 2 anxiety and depression medications are helping me through my new diagnosis of Autism (a diagnosis that I didn't expect). I believe medication helping the brain helps my experiences with Autism - the thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I'm not heavily medicated so I do have clear thoughts and the ability to analyse/understand myself.
Like I said, that's just my opinion about medication. Others will have their own thoughts about it. Also, if your doctor understands your health issues, he or she can advise you specifically and more successfully.