Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
Everything you have described is exactly like my own suspicions of myself but I have not yet been diagnosed, so I'm hanging in the balance.
Perhaps you could get an idea of whether you have Autism by taking a standardised test online - I took a few and the long, thorough RAADS-R was very helpful to me. Also, the Autism Spectrum Quotient and the CAT-Q which measures social camouflaging or masking Autistic traits. If your scores indicate you are possibly Autistic or in the spectrum, you can go to a doctor with that information and he or she can give you a diagnosis or explore other psychological issues you may have.
As background, I was a psychotherapist who used standardised testing - and I also designed and administered my own standardised tests. Good luck and I hope you get the accurate answers you need.