Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
Everything you have described is exactly like my own suspicions of myself but I have not yet been diagnosed, so I'm hanging in the balance.
Perhaps you could get an idea of whether you have Autism by taking a standardised test online - I took a few and the long, thorough RAADS-R was very helpful to me. Also, the Autism Spectrum Quotient and the CAT-Q which measures social camouflaging or masking Autistic traits. If your scores indicate you are possibly Autistic or in the spectrum, you can go to a doctor with that information and he or she can give you a diagnosis or explore other psychological issues you may have.
As background, I was a psychotherapist who used standardised testing - and I also designed and administered my own standardised tests. Good luck and I hope you get the accurate answers you need.
Thank you so much for that information. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder, social anxiety and panic attacks for almost ten years. I heard some things on the radio about two years ago that made me think that behind all that is autism. I mentioned it to my GP a year or so ago and was told it will take maybe two years to get tested. I have read many versions of the symptoms of autism and can tick just about every box at various levels. Two of my three friends (I am not good at social interaction) who have experience of autism in their families have said that I do come across as being autistic to them. I have always masked since I was a child, I am 61 now. It takes me two hours or more to psyche myself up to go out anywhere. Once again, thanks for the information, I will follow it through.
You're very welcome. I'm happy to have helped. I hope your appointment goes well and life gets easier for you. If appropriate, please let me know how you progress. If not, no problem - I wish you the best.
Thank you, your advice has helped me immensely and I have contacted my GP, who has made an appointment for me in April. I wish I had come on here two years ago when I first became suspicious; better late than never!By the way, I have now completed the other two tests you mentioned and both were extremely high scores. In fact, the 10-question one scored 9, until I looked at the question (about understanding reading, ironically) and found I had read it wrong and so did in fact score a full ten (without even trying, haha).Seriously though, getting a result - even though it is only provisional at the moment - is like a light being turned on and explains so much of my life to date; it provides answers for all the niggling fears, anxieties and questions I have lived with throughout life so far. It's like having a familiar but mysterious object suddenly having a name tag hung on it, so I can find out about it.Thanks again.
Hi. I'm so glad the information was helpful and you now have a clearer indication for Autism, which I hope lessens any confusion.
I think the next step is to get a knowledgeable doctor or mental health professional to "validate" an Autism diagnosis. I have to add that they should make a differential diagnosis to make sure your symptoms are indeed Autism and not due to the other conditions you have been diagnosed with previously (depression, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks - I have those too, but for me, I also have nearly all of the main indicators for Autism. I believe my anxiety is caused by my Autism).
I think the Autism diagnosis just clicked for me - it made sense in explaining my whole life. I'm in your age range (I'm 63) and I need to mention that seeing the clear results and certainty of Autism shook me up and confused my self-identity. People are not the same, of course, so your reaction could be completely different. I hope you are ok under the circumstances and please contact someone at the National Autistic Society if you need to get more or urgent help or support.
If you haven't already, it may also help to learn more about Autism from reputable websites and organisations, like the National Autistic Society. I started researching Autism a lot and, to be honest, I had to take a break from reading so much and seeing so many TV programmes because I was getting distressed and mentally overloaded. So I suggest getting information at a pace that's right for you.
I had to go out today for a hospital appointment not related to Autism (a bone scan) and I experienced exactly what you said - it takes me 2 hours to get myself to go out. My main problems/stresses are difficulty and worry figuring out what's appropriate to wear for the weather; worrying about being on time, being around people and having to communicate with them; the amount of noise and excessive visual images (I live in London so crowds and noise are constant!). Also, after discovering my Autism, going out feels much more different. I really notice my (negative) reactions to trying to converse with people and being bombarded by so many sounds and visuals. I now know and recognise the effects of my Autism, which is both a positive and a negative in my opinion.
It's good to recognise that our thoughts and behaviour are not our fault. It's a physical/brain condition and not a personal failing or a choice we make. We all have good qualities as people. Good Luck!
I have just done the online RAADS-R test and was scored 211. Above 65 is probably autistic and it goes up to 240. I don't know where to turn or what to do next. Thanks for your help.