Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
Good morning Kitty,
Welcome to the WTAF club.
I hope you will hang around these pages to share in this community.
It does seem to take some time for the conscious mind to catch up with the reality of our own wiring. I have experienced ups and downs....but a pervasive calmness has persisted throughout and that has sustained me.
The key question for me at this point (about 8 months in) is how can I harness my new knowledge to improve my life and the lives of those around me. Current "trials" are delivery encouraging results.
I'm interested to know what brought you to the point of discovering your autism....problems? A growing sense of "other"?
Anyway, I am pleased to see you here. Welcome.
Kind regards
Number.
Hi Number.
Thank you! I'm definitely enjoying my start in this community. It's amazing to be able to read everyone's helpful descriptions of their experiences, thoughts and advice.
I'm actually starting to feel that calmness you mentioned. I think it's realising that there is now a valid reason (Autism) for my thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviour that have made me feel different from other people. That the difference is not my fault, it's my wiring. That aha/lightbulb moment has made me much more accepting of myself.
I'm still struggling with my self-identity. Am I the "mask" or the person with Autism under the mask. That will take time.
I discovered my Autism back in February by taking an approved standardised assessment test. I scored massively above the recognised score for Autism. Prior to this I watched the Chris Packham BBC documentary about Autism. A lot of it made me think that my "eccentricities" and difficulties with people may be more than that. Therefore, I took the test. I didn't expect to confirm Autism, nor score so highly!
As a child, I did feel different and unconnected. It was like looking into a TV set and watching people. However, as I grew up and during adulthood, I masked/camouflaged successfully (in society) for many years. However, inside my head, I hated having to be "someone else" for other people (who I didn't like or respect). That applied to all my work situations. Because I was "different" I didn't get the respect I deserved (I did very complex research). For some reason I have always had high self-esteem so I was internally angry about my undeserved disrespect. My last job left me with some PTSD, it was that bad.
Fortunately now I'm in this community and, even over a short time, I'm getting great support from people like you. Thank you so much. Take care!
I'm pleased it is working for you here. I have found a lot of solace, comfort, help, advice and support from many of the people on these pages. Pay it forward !
Definitely! Take care.