Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
Well they say that two major phases to autism diagnosis is that: You have the elation of knowing who are or having more information to find out, then their can be a feeling of despair at the lack of resources and support out there.
But my recommendation is to let the dust settle and allocate time for mindfulness, it is scary to have been ‘kept’ in a familiar ‘pond’ as a seemingly-peerless individual, only to be thrust in a peer-full place that is unknown to you. You have a life-long diagnosis now, a life-long community, and no one can take that from you. Take some time to enjoy the view!
It is very much a positive place to be, where you have a relationship and professional-associations, many autistic-individuals don’t achieve such levels success (especially just on coping-mechanism alone). Just imagine what you will be able to achieve with more targeted-support and understanding!
Thank you very much for your helpful response. I'm reminded of what a fellow cancer patient told me: you will never be the same person you were on the day before your diagnosis and only other patients can truly understand what you're going through. It feels the same with Autism but there's a relief knowing I have Autism, there's no relief with cancer! It's a dreadful experience but I approach it with a positive attitude, as I'll do with Autism.