Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote this as a reply in the women's forum but I wanted to add it to the "newly diagnosed" forum. I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great. I did, and still do, my best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. For example, I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I continue to have problems with verbal communication and being aware of my autism makes it feel worse and it makes me feel more self-conscious.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
Writing this has been very helpful. Thank you for listening!
I wasn't shocked by my diagnosis, as I proceeded to it very slowly, but two years on, I'm still somewhat confused about it, about who I am, what I want from life and what is possible for my life. I think it's OK to feel like that. Please be gentle with yourself -- it will take time to adjust.
Yes feeling misunderstood by everyone around you, and especially family is really hard
Hi Glitter. Exactly - my whole life needs to be reevaluated is how I feel too. I think knowledge and learning will help. Thank you for writing.
Thanks Jamie. It's great to be understood - finally!
It is a lot to process. Like, it feels like my whole life needs to be reevaluated.
It took me over ten years from when I first suspected to get my diagnosis, and even after all that time and learning it still feels strange. But I'm adapting, slowly. It's like that little loading circle is still spinning. Knowing helps, and learning helps.
Kitty Pes said:All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person!
Same here!
Kitty Pes said:Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first
Same for me also. There was such a mixture of feelings and thoughts for me.......relief that the confusion and search for what was wrong with me was over.......frustration that me and lorry loads of health professionals hadn't picked it up........anger, disappointment etc. I feel fortunate that i realized at 35 though as so many people never do
Kitty Pes said:learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me
That's good to hear, sounds like you're on the right path