Please Help

Mention I usually exchange or sell or even donate all unwanted gifts. It allows me not to clutter my space.

Improving things is exactly what I am working on.

I am capable of being a good husband and father and all I want is to be allowed the chance to prove this.

I feel much more at ease with myself and the world now that I have started to face up to who I am. 

One thing you do need to remember, is that despite the Autism Strategy, the support is exceedingly thin on the ground.  Even if/when you get your diagnosis, they won't wave a magic wand and make you have no more meltdowns.  You will still have the same traits then as you do now.  Even if they offer you CBT or whichever therapy, it will probably only help you analyse yourself and on occasion apply a coping strategy.  But as I'm sure you know, when a meltdown is coming, it's almost impossible to stop.

If you are already aware that you have all/most of the traits of autism, having an official diagnosis won't make you understand yourself any more than you already do, it's an official stamp.  I knew 6 years before I got my diagnosis that I had AS, it was just that having the diagnosis proves it to others and validates it for yourself (so there is a sense of relief).

I just wouldn't want you to hope for miracles that will save your marriage, as they won't materialise and you won't get a personality transplant.  Whatever needs doing by you to improve things, you can start working on now.

I visited my GP yesterday and explained to him that I wanted to push for a diagnosis.

I am so fortunate to have such a genuine, empathetic, and caring GP who clearly is not afraid to think out of the box. He listened to my case (I used some of the tips from here) and explained that I need not say anymore as he could clearly see where i was coming from, and to that end referred me.

He mentioned that one of his kids has dyslexia, and also that some years ago one of his collegues tried to push for more support for Adult autism diagnosis, but sadly to no avail.

 I have got to travel a couple of hours however someone able to conduct Adult autism diagnosis has been found and a first meeting will hopefully take place soon.

This is the start of a long journey.

My confusion and inner fighting with myself has cost me dearly with my family.

I have been rude and insulting on a number of occasions to my wife and children during meltdowns, and i really want to integrate with them on this journey, and be the loving husband and dad that i know i can be.

I am so scared it may be too late after 13 years of marriage, but the hope of better times  ahead together is keeping me going.

Many thanks to you all for replying - it is good to know there is support out there.

The fact is, i have hidden from the truth about my condition for too long. I am very lucky in the fact that my wife has an immense knowledge of the subject (in my opinion beyond many so called specialists), however it is wrong for me to expect her to carry me on rhis journey - it is something i have to do my self, starting with my GP appointment on Friday this week.

I have been a pain to live with, and this has in many ways been down to my refusal to search out help.

I am taking control of various negative influences in my life (awkward parents being a good example) and i am going to make this journey happen whatever, and be open and honest about it to my family who have suffered enough already.

My wife and children are my biggest motivators in all of this, as i have learned that me coping will make all our lives happier and stronger together as a family unit, and this means the world to me.

I am at the beginning, but will keep you posted.

Trouble with the reading material is it is mostly about children and young people, or else too clinical

While popularist and about one person, you should be able to acquire "Loving Mr Spock - Asperger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" by Barbara Jacobs, Penguin Books 2003. It is light reading but in depth look at a marriage with one partner on the spectrum.

There's also a book "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults..... Is Anyone Listening - Esays and Poems by Partners, Parents and Family Members of Adults with Asperger's Syndrome" collected by Karen E Rodman (Jessica Kingsley Publ.2003) Might be harder to get to buy, but ought to be a library or somesuch that can track it down.

Both might help your perspectives as, being already closely involved supporting a child on the spectrum you can get too focussed on your own parallel experiences, and may be useful to be able to step back a bit.

In terms of strategies, you could keep a notebook/diary in which to record AS experiences and how they affected you. That way if it comes to explaining to your wife it might help sift through the issues, likewise if you go for diagnosis.

I am in a similar position to you, although I am female (I have a male gendered brain, hence the "extreme male brain" theory of autism), I have Asperger's and both my children (8 and 12, so exact same age-gap as your two) are both on the spectrum.

Marriage is a difficult one.  I personally feel, that unless the neurotypical (NT) partner is sufficiently understanding, the marriage will eventually fail.  People could say "what about the Aspie partner being more understanding of the NT traits too" but the NT is not the one with a disorder and different neurological wiring than the norm.  You could tell your wife to be crystal clear about what she wants from you, so that you are aware, rather than complaining she didn't get it after the event.

I think your best bet is to get the diagnosis and feed your wife information to help her come to as much understanding as possible.  Coping strategies... if I knew them I would probably be in a better position than I am now.  What I can say, is that Aspies need time alone to organise their thoughts and de-stress from the sensory input of the world.  Your wife needs to respect that.  If she complains that you are not helping out in the family, tell her that with some time alone you will be able to function better in the moments you are there with the family.

During your time alone, you could read, listen to music or do research on your special interest if you have one, if not just general research, on the computer.  I don't have any magic techniques for saving a marriage or making you play a more "normal" role.  the truth is, at least 80% of NT/Aspie marriages supposedly fail.  I do understand it's very difficult for your wife to feel like she is "carrying" both husband and child.  But then I have often felt like that with my husband and I am the Aspie and he is the NT.

Hi Hawthorn,

quote"Our son has a formal diagnosis of high functioning ASD. ".. my son got diagnosed with ASD first, due to the high genetic factors, it was meant I was too later on.

If you are on the same spectrum as your son, your wife will be able to relate to your difficulties too, let her know you are seeking a referral also, try and communicate with her, even if it is in a card/letter.  

You have a lot of background still to come out, secondary issues if you are ASD.

I don't know how loving and support your wife is, but you should try and get on the same page with her for the sake of your children. How about a holiday. Plan a mum/dad night every week. Try and communicate better, try and be positive for the future.

Just be honest with her,  Aspies normal are. You may also be suffering from a bit of Depression.  

Good luck

I think you should go back to the GP to insist on a referral, they have to allow you an assessment, don't let them fob you of this time.