Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I am 40 years old, married, 2 children (boy and a girl aged 11 and 7).
Our son has a formal diagnosis of high functioning ASD. Although immensley challenging for us as a family, progress is being made, in no small part due to help from the NAS, however mainly from the determination, dedication, and unconditional love shown by my wife to our family.
I had a fairly tough childhood, and although fairly successful in my career, I find many social settings awkward, and I have quite a few I obsessive tendencies, not to mention at times a degree of emotional dis-attachment. I have let my family down by not doing nearly enough in leading from the front on our family's journey with AS, and for that I feel immense guilt.
All too often, my wife finds it hard coping with me as we'll as our son, and after being together for 16 years I fear our marriage may be over due to this and nothing else.
As you may have probably guessed by now, there is a fair chance that I am higher up the spectrum than earlier thought. I tried to go for a diagnosis a few years ago but got fobbed off.
I am after anyone (sorry to be sexist, but preferably a bloke) in a similar position to me, and who may be able to advise any coping strategies for me.
Thanks.
I am in a similar position to you, although I am female (I have a male gendered brain, hence the "extreme male brain" theory of autism), I have Asperger's and both my children (8 and 12, so exact same age-gap as your two) are both on the spectrum.
Marriage is a difficult one. I personally feel, that unless the neurotypical (NT) partner is sufficiently understanding, the marriage will eventually fail. People could say "what about the Aspie partner being more understanding of the NT traits too" but the NT is not the one with a disorder and different neurological wiring than the norm. You could tell your wife to be crystal clear about what she wants from you, so that you are aware, rather than complaining she didn't get it after the event.
I think your best bet is to get the diagnosis and feed your wife information to help her come to as much understanding as possible. Coping strategies... if I knew them I would probably be in a better position than I am now. What I can say, is that Aspies need time alone to organise their thoughts and de-stress from the sensory input of the world. Your wife needs to respect that. If she complains that you are not helping out in the family, tell her that with some time alone you will be able to function better in the moments you are there with the family.
During your time alone, you could read, listen to music or do research on your special interest if you have one, if not just general research, on the computer. I don't have any magic techniques for saving a marriage or making you play a more "normal" role. the truth is, at least 80% of NT/Aspie marriages supposedly fail. I do understand it's very difficult for your wife to feel like she is "carrying" both husband and child. But then I have often felt like that with my husband and I am the Aspie and he is the NT.