Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I am 40 years old, married, 2 children (boy and a girl aged 11 and 7).
Our son has a formal diagnosis of high functioning ASD. Although immensley challenging for us as a family, progress is being made, in no small part due to help from the NAS, however mainly from the determination, dedication, and unconditional love shown by my wife to our family.
I had a fairly tough childhood, and although fairly successful in my career, I find many social settings awkward, and I have quite a few I obsessive tendencies, not to mention at times a degree of emotional dis-attachment. I have let my family down by not doing nearly enough in leading from the front on our family's journey with AS, and for that I feel immense guilt.
All too often, my wife finds it hard coping with me as we'll as our son, and after being together for 16 years I fear our marriage may be over due to this and nothing else.
As you may have probably guessed by now, there is a fair chance that I am higher up the spectrum than earlier thought. I tried to go for a diagnosis a few years ago but got fobbed off.
I am after anyone (sorry to be sexist, but preferably a bloke) in a similar position to me, and who may be able to advise any coping strategies for me.
Thanks.
Trouble with the reading material is it is mostly about children and young people, or else too clinical
While popularist and about one person, you should be able to acquire "Loving Mr Spock - Asperger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" by Barbara Jacobs, Penguin Books 2003. It is light reading but in depth look at a marriage with one partner on the spectrum.
There's also a book "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults..... Is Anyone Listening - Esays and Poems by Partners, Parents and Family Members of Adults with Asperger's Syndrome" collected by Karen E Rodman (Jessica Kingsley Publ.2003) Might be harder to get to buy, but ought to be a library or somesuch that can track it down.
Both might help your perspectives as, being already closely involved supporting a child on the spectrum you can get too focussed on your own parallel experiences, and may be useful to be able to step back a bit.
In terms of strategies, you could keep a notebook/diary in which to record AS experiences and how they affected you. That way if it comes to explaining to your wife it might help sift through the issues, likewise if you go for diagnosis.