Suicide

Hi again, I have just read the last part of your message to my husband... I truly hope one day he wakes up and see what has been happening to us for the past 5 years and how different it all could have been. Last night I saw a spark of enthusiasm, that showed me the that the man I thought I was getting together with is still there.... the moon was looking beautiful and he stayed up late in order to film it. Making content for YouTube is a big part of our lives but the enthusiasm was never there, although filming and recording were things he was passionate about long before we ever met, just as the enthusiasm for everything went, maybe also due to his retirement from corporate life and maybe becoming depressed that went too. We are not so old that we can't have a fun, fulfilling life? If only he can find that spark again!!!! I had give up hope but last night I saw a little spark, so who knows............................ thanks for your message once again, my friend!!!! 

I know exactly the type of relationship you talk about................... and yes, it is awfully tiring!!! As far as giving too much of myself... I also make sure that I want something back but then again I am a Southern European so we tend to give easily!!! And if we get enough back we are the nicest people you will ever find... if we get nothing.... we are not that nice either! 

I think that my situation is the situation of a huge amount of women who end their lives bitter and wondering what life was all about, especially now that one lives very isolated due to this pandemic. Yes, coming here once in a while does help.... I ended up in the hospital in December and that shouldn't happen again but this is the way family members, especially partners can end up and no one seems to think about them. It is great that you are aware of how your problems affect others because that will make their lives easier. At the end of the day we will all have problems in our lifetime, mental or otherwise, that will affect others and many people, even without mental problems refuse to see that. Some mental problems just make it too difficult for the person to recognize it as the life they lead inside themselves is completely different from what goes on around them. This is very complicated and makes an intimate relationship very difficult. It is like living side by side but on two different planets. 

As far as services go, they are encouraging people to talk about them, face them, seek help but in the end help is only available if you have a lot of money to invest in it and that is wrong! Say nothing if you know that there is nothing out there? When I was discharged from the hospital in December, without anyone even trying to understand what had happened, I was told that there is marital counselling from £60 to £100 an hour and that my husband had said on the phone that he would pay (???) and that he sounded like a very well balanced person. Well, we can't afford it, so what he says is irrelevant! 

You brought tears to my eyes with your last sentence, you really did!!! All the best to you, my friend... and rest assured that autism does not define you and that I know that a lot of people would love to have such a wonderful friend as yourself!!!! Take care... 

Hi Flint, you are so very right... the right help is not there. I have the feeling that Mental Health is nowadays nothing more than a business, and a big one too! Sometimes things could be helped by speaking to a professional a few times but because they let everything get ever worse and those dealing with huge problems are left to do all the leg work the outcome may be bad and it didn't need to be. If you have a lot of money you will always be OK, or at least doors open for you, if you don't, and that is a big part of the population, there is nothing there for you, no matter how much all the charities and the Royals say that this isn't true! I am in a better place now..... but the family members should not be left in the cold!!!!!! We count too...............................or at least we should and we need as much support or even more because we can do a lot of good! 

If there is one thing I've learnt about GP's and psychiatrists it's that they can't help my Depression. I don't bother with trying to get their help anymore. 


Anyway hope you're feeling less suicidal now.

You will have to speak to your GP, Flint... there are anti-depressants now that kind of lift the load, so to speak but don't really numb you down or make you drowsy? But things become more easily to bear. The only thing is that in themselves they shouldn't be a long term solution because they are medications and will therefore have side effects. But there are times in life when you have to get through difficult situations and have no other choice, then they can be good. 

I'm already on antidepressants. They don't work. i've been on anti-d's since I was a teen. yet to find one that numbs, which is why I wondered where these anti-d's are that numb you because I'd like them very much. 

First of all, thank you for the kind words, that means a lot :) 

Considering what you have said, It seems like you've given too much of yourself to help others, and while that is admirable and not something I would want to discourage, I know from personal experience that trying to do that often leads to being taken advantage of. 

I myself was gaslighted and while that relationship ended years ago my latest nightmare about the person was only a day or so ago. She had deep insecurity issues as a result of a past relationship and so I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. I couldn't recommend a song with a female singer because she'd accuse me of only liking it for the singer. That was never the case but knowing she had insecurity issues I felt responsible, and began checking there was nothing in the video or lyrics she'd take exception to, and it became exhausting. 

Nevertheless, I continued to try and make her happy, despite knowing deep down that her problems could not be fixed by me alone, and that if she was unwilling to accept how deep her insecurity went and get help it would always cause issues between us. 

In the end, she dumped me by text, and I later found out she'd most likely been cheating on me. I won't lie-it's taken a LONG time for me to recover, and even then many would say I haven't, since I no longer intend on having relationships, but I know myself and I know what's best for me. To others, it sounds drastic, but to me it sounds like self-preservation. I can make myself feel bad about myself perfectly fine without needing someone else to help me do that

I am very sorry to hear how unhelpful you have found the services available to you to be, I can relate to that since I've met some terrible 'mental health professionals' or whatever they're called these days, but also some good ones. Having said that, I felt the good ones were limited in how they could help, as much as they tried, and often they didn't have much knowledge of mental illness and seemed to believe everything could be solved by listening to the birds or something. Those things are good for maintaining good mental health, but mental illness and mental health aren't the same thing, and I personally don't feel the 'talk therapy' we're usually offered to be all that effective in helping me with my OCD and depression. I recall when I was diagnosed my Doctor was a trained Psychiatrist who pinpointed my condition within minutes, and the building itself was a dedicated site, as opposed to the spare rooms in walk-in centres I've used since. I can only assume this is a result of government cuts to things like this.

Having said that, my last counsellor helped me a great deal, I believe it was CBT I had. The effects wear off over time, but where I felt useless when we first spoke, when we last spoke I felt empowered and motivated to take control again, and that did change my opinion of talk therapy, to a degree, but I can understand your lack of faith in the process.

While I'm not the best person to ask about relationship stuff, based on what you've said it sounds like you've given top much of yourself and been taken for granted, and I think you probably would benefit from at least a brief seperation, if nothing else. You can't keep trying to help someone who refuses to acknowledge their own issues, and the effect those issues have on you. Perhaps that will motivate him to get help himself, and if it doesn't you can at least know you tried your best, and made your feelings known. It sounds like you've done all you can do, to me, and it's probably time to start focusing on yourself, getting yourself better. 

While you haven't found the services you've used very helpful I hope you are able to benefit from this forum as I have, at least. I don't post all that often but whenever I feel alone this place reminds me I'm not, even just reading people's posts and being able to identify with their problems in relationships, work, life in general. 

I think you make a good point about how help should be available for those who live with an autistic person, I don't think people understand fully what it's like, but I know my autism affects people around me and for my part I at least try to do what I can to minimise that. I may be disabled but I'm not helpless, and as much as my family have supported me I know it's been very hard for them, too, and if there were more services like you suggest I think they'd go along way towards making autism a bit more bearable for all involved-not just the autistic person. 

Truly, my heart goes out to you and I hope you are feeling better than you were, I would not wish that darkness on anyone, but should you have to walk in it again please remember there are many here who will walk with you until you find your way to the sunlight :) 

Thanks!!!!! 

Hi Adele and you are right, sometimes both partners have autistic traits. I actually ask myself whether that is not better as they then speak the same language, so to speak? I was speaking with my husband about that this afternoon. My first husband who had traits too eventually married a lady who he seems to be rather happy with and our daughters and her son were convinced that they fitted well together because of their autistic traits. Relationships are probably always easier if you speak the "same" language, as both understand better the other's needs. Thanks for caring and yes, it has been very tough................................. 

No problem Flint.... thanks for your input! 

Hi Flint, there are many anti-depressants out there, maybe speak to your GP about them? I believe that they are good to get you through a bad patch in your life but the best thing is always to learn to deal with the situation or solve the problems, not live with anti-depressants but there are situations when they just help us get through a bad patch a bit more easily! I hope this helps...  

I don't have much advice for you as I was potentially the most autistic person in my relationship - I think my ex also had some traits though.  But I really feel for you x

Sorry you feel this way. I have no advice though. 

Where are these antid's that actually numb you? I need them, i need a lot of them. 

You too, take care.

Many thanks................................. same to you.... Life can be so tough but I am glad that I have met you all and that we can try to help one another!Take care............... 

So sorry you're going through a really dreadful time.

Hi LetMeFly, you are so right... I now refuse to take anti-depressants. I am adding to the problem but I am not the problem! My husband was put on anti-depressants and he seemed to sleep better and therefore was less tired and lightened up a bit but he stopped them without speaking neither to the GP or me. He does want to seek help although he is convinced that he doesn't have any problem. That is the worst part of all this. If one has a wound or a pain it is easy to see where it is.... autism (and I am convinced that he has autism even if a high functioning one and would have no problem illustrating it with real life examples) is something that is less easy for the person to recognize. I am also afraid that because he has no awareness even if we found help he would not be able to tell the therapist what is going on because he doesn't see most of it. Sometimes I just wish I could vanish in thin air and didn't have to deal with all of this. He has made a lot of effort and in a way we have made a lot of changes in our relationship but I look back at 5 years and I feel like his mentor, his teacher? I am jealous when I see couples on TV both talking normally, communicating... he is the highly educated one, a scientist, I didn't even finish high school but I am the one with great social skills. And on the top of everything else we came from Wales to England at the beginning of the first Lockdown and are completely isolated.

I know, you can only lead a horse to water but I have proven before in my life that I am so bad at giving up..... I did once, because I had three small children from another marriage, so there was no way I could stay but other than that... I don't give up before I have driven myself into the ground fighting. Somehow (and it is a known fact), I get myself into these relationships, maybe because I am the daughter of an autistic man and saw him making my Mum so very unhappy,, when she passed saw the same happen to my stepmum, who was driven into an early grave despite all my efforts to try to change the situation for them and that failing try to convince her to leave. Now it is me wasting away the last good years of my life. Feels so cruel... many thanks for your reply!!! I just wish i could find out how to get notifications in my inbox... did get some from a post where I gave a reply but nothing else! Nothing in the settings seems to change it! 

Hi Dave, I fully agree with you!!! I have been trying to find help for the longest time, tried to commit suicide last December and it is a miracle that I am still here and surely not due to the good care I received! The lack of compassion is horrendous, they can see you in the worse distress ever but it is like they are made of ice and anyway, many are well-meaning volunteers who lend a listening ear but many times what one needs is someone who really takes over and knows what to do and what to say, not a very young person who is kind but has no idea what to do with the situation. I will be honest with you, volunteers often make things worse because if they didn't exist the government would have to find better solutions. This way it seems that the help is out there and it isn't. Also many organizations immediately say that they are charities, don't have funds but... if I can pay a lot of money they will be there for me. This is horrendous? I wrote a diary through Lockdown until I ended in the hospital before Christmas, then I stopped, I don't have the energy anymore and I just try to enjoy the bits of better times that we have but it would be interesting for someone to read it, also because it details the terrible tenancy problems we have had, which I also had to deal with on my own. 

The Samaritans, exactly the way you describe but how come no professional knows about it? I suppose you are not a professional and I surely am not but we both know they actually doesn't work, at least not in most cases? If I could find a solution on my own I would have done it a long time ago! God knows I have tried.... and tried, and tried.... I am intelligent, I have a lot of life experience, this is not my first marriage that fails because of such problems or similar ones... Sometimes I think that I know more than the experts but I still can't find a way to get through to him, not in a permanent way. But I don't seem to be able to give up either not only because of logistics but also because with him, if we find a way through, my life can be a rich one, without him i will have to give up on my music and the last dreams of my life (too long to explain in this reply but I can if you wish). 

Yes, I am sure that with good guidance we can stay together. I am also sure that we were on an important path, with our music and artistic endeavours. I am also sure that we would be happier for it rather than me at almost 64 and him at 69 now going out there and starting all over again but I don't know where to find that help, not one we can afford. If we had loads of money we would find help tomorrow. Yes, the way we live now will drive both of us into an early grave and the problem where to go doesn't apply to him, he drives, can find a suitable place in a less expensive area as he doesn't need to be near amenities but I do. Where we live now it is too expensive for me and too isolated, I don't know England and don't know anywhere so I could go anywhere but where? Back to Wales too many bad memories.... I don't know what to do and I wonder if there are other couples out there who found a solution. The guy from  Mind calls again this afternoon but I went through that last Summer with no practical results. I only agreed to speak to him because I thought that as this time it was someone who works with the surgery he would be some kind of counsellor but he is not, just someone who listens and who gives you liinks. Thanks for your reply, you did me a lot of good... great to know that there are others out there who see things the same way, know how the system works or doesn't work.. .even that is a great help, .Sometimes I think that I am going crazy! Funny enough with my ex-husband (diagnosed with BPD at the end of our marriage), money was no problem at all but we never managed to get good help and we both agreed that with the right guidance our marriage would have survived. That all makes this experience now so much more painful! 

Hi Sarah, many thanks for your reply... No, I am not OK and by now also struggling with health problems caused by all the stress, and seeing my last good years slipping away from me and not knowing what to do to make things better, not knowing what I would do on my own even if I am a very strong person who has found a way through so many times in life. I am just so tired.... We moved to England when the first Lockdown started, from Wales, live very isolated and if there are times when I manage to get everything back on track (always me) and we try to restart our lives with a smile on our faces, I start singing again, start making plans, we start making our music videos, audition, etc, it doesn't take a lot to get me down anymore, because I am so very tired. He doesn't understand that, doesn't see things going downhill while i still try to keep on the top of things and manage our lives as well as I possibly can. 

Telling someone about it... I spent months last year going through the motions with our GP (who has now moved on so no one knows us), Mind and all the other organizations, trying to alert everybody about what was going on here, even that I was being gaslighted and wasn't copying, Samaritans, the lot. Over and over again we were offered therapy costing huge amounts of money, I was assessed and the demonour was so very cold... There was a very nice lady who called me a few times to be sure that I was still doing OK but she told me that she was also seeking support but despite being in the mental health service after almost a year she hadn't found what she needed, that shows how bad the situation is. Thanks for the links but, they do nothing at all. I could tell you horrible stories. I wrote a diary through lockdown, our tenancy problems and the problems with my husband, which I think shows the dire state of the mental health in England, which is no better or worse than in Wales. I can't stand hearing the Royals go on and on about the need of talking, to whom? I now have again someone from Mind who called once and will call again today but... just someone who has no idea about these issues, probably a volunteer (I know that he is not a therapist or anything). He just gives me links and I would have to go through the whole system again while our lives crumble to pieces. We moved here for more work opportunities, much higher bills, work dried up and I haven't been in a state to do much anyway, so this has made our financial situation far worse. My professional slot at almost 64 is short but I could really do great things, just I depend on him for that. 

I feel that the partners are left in the cold, no one cares about us. People like my husband they lead quite fulfilling lives because he doesn't really realise what is going on. What is in his mind is a very fulfilling relationship, he is a great husband... what he doesn't realize is that what he shows is completely different. He is very placid and he doesn't do anything with malice, highly educated and if you meet him you will like him a lot. people who know us on social media see us as the golden couple, not because we lie but because we put our artistic work out there which is quite good and on paper he is very loving, very romantic... just emotionally I am left out in the cold by someone I don't even manage to communicate with. 

Ongoing support? There isn't any............... As someone said here there comes a time when death feels like the end of the suffering, like comfort, not something scary! Such a waste of life..... Thanks for listening!