Suicide

Hi again, I have just read the last part of your message to my husband... I truly hope one day he wakes up and see what has been happening to us for the past 5 years and how different it all could have been. Last night I saw a spark of enthusiasm, that showed me the that the man I thought I was getting together with is still there.... the moon was looking beautiful and he stayed up late in order to film it. Making content for YouTube is a big part of our lives but the enthusiasm was never there, although filming and recording were things he was passionate about long before we ever met, just as the enthusiasm for everything went, maybe also due to his retirement from corporate life and maybe becoming depressed that went too. We are not so old that we can't have a fun, fulfilling life? If only he can find that spark again!!!! I had give up hope but last night I saw a little spark, so who knows............................ thanks for your message once again, my friend!!!! 

I know exactly the type of relationship you talk about................... and yes, it is awfully tiring!!! As far as giving too much of myself... I also make sure that I want something back but then again I am a Southern European so we tend to give easily!!! And if we get enough back we are the nicest people you will ever find... if we get nothing.... we are not that nice either! 

I think that my situation is the situation of a huge amount of women who end their lives bitter and wondering what life was all about, especially now that one lives very isolated due to this pandemic. Yes, coming here once in a while does help.... I ended up in the hospital in December and that shouldn't happen again but this is the way family members, especially partners can end up and no one seems to think about them. It is great that you are aware of how your problems affect others because that will make their lives easier. At the end of the day we will all have problems in our lifetime, mental or otherwise, that will affect others and many people, even without mental problems refuse to see that. Some mental problems just make it too difficult for the person to recognize it as the life they lead inside themselves is completely different from what goes on around them. This is very complicated and makes an intimate relationship very difficult. It is like living side by side but on two different planets. 

As far as services go, they are encouraging people to talk about them, face them, seek help but in the end help is only available if you have a lot of money to invest in it and that is wrong! Say nothing if you know that there is nothing out there? When I was discharged from the hospital in December, without anyone even trying to understand what had happened, I was told that there is marital counselling from £60 to £100 an hour and that my husband had said on the phone that he would pay (???) and that he sounded like a very well balanced person. Well, we can't afford it, so what he says is irrelevant! 

You brought tears to my eyes with your last sentence, you really did!!! All the best to you, my friend... and rest assured that autism does not define you and that I know that a lot of people would love to have such a wonderful friend as yourself!!!! Take care... 

First of all, thank you for the kind words, that means a lot :) 

Considering what you have said, It seems like you've given too much of yourself to help others, and while that is admirable and not something I would want to discourage, I know from personal experience that trying to do that often leads to being taken advantage of. 

I myself was gaslighted and while that relationship ended years ago my latest nightmare about the person was only a day or so ago. She had deep insecurity issues as a result of a past relationship and so I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. I couldn't recommend a song with a female singer because she'd accuse me of only liking it for the singer. That was never the case but knowing she had insecurity issues I felt responsible, and began checking there was nothing in the video or lyrics she'd take exception to, and it became exhausting. 

Nevertheless, I continued to try and make her happy, despite knowing deep down that her problems could not be fixed by me alone, and that if she was unwilling to accept how deep her insecurity went and get help it would always cause issues between us. 

In the end, she dumped me by text, and I later found out she'd most likely been cheating on me. I won't lie-it's taken a LONG time for me to recover, and even then many would say I haven't, since I no longer intend on having relationships, but I know myself and I know what's best for me. To others, it sounds drastic, but to me it sounds like self-preservation. I can make myself feel bad about myself perfectly fine without needing someone else to help me do that

I am very sorry to hear how unhelpful you have found the services available to you to be, I can relate to that since I've met some terrible 'mental health professionals' or whatever they're called these days, but also some good ones. Having said that, I felt the good ones were limited in how they could help, as much as they tried, and often they didn't have much knowledge of mental illness and seemed to believe everything could be solved by listening to the birds or something. Those things are good for maintaining good mental health, but mental illness and mental health aren't the same thing, and I personally don't feel the 'talk therapy' we're usually offered to be all that effective in helping me with my OCD and depression. I recall when I was diagnosed my Doctor was a trained Psychiatrist who pinpointed my condition within minutes, and the building itself was a dedicated site, as opposed to the spare rooms in walk-in centres I've used since. I can only assume this is a result of government cuts to things like this.

Having said that, my last counsellor helped me a great deal, I believe it was CBT I had. The effects wear off over time, but where I felt useless when we first spoke, when we last spoke I felt empowered and motivated to take control again, and that did change my opinion of talk therapy, to a degree, but I can understand your lack of faith in the process.

While I'm not the best person to ask about relationship stuff, based on what you've said it sounds like you've given top much of yourself and been taken for granted, and I think you probably would benefit from at least a brief seperation, if nothing else. You can't keep trying to help someone who refuses to acknowledge their own issues, and the effect those issues have on you. Perhaps that will motivate him to get help himself, and if it doesn't you can at least know you tried your best, and made your feelings known. It sounds like you've done all you can do, to me, and it's probably time to start focusing on yourself, getting yourself better. 

While you haven't found the services you've used very helpful I hope you are able to benefit from this forum as I have, at least. I don't post all that often but whenever I feel alone this place reminds me I'm not, even just reading people's posts and being able to identify with their problems in relationships, work, life in general. 

I think you make a good point about how help should be available for those who live with an autistic person, I don't think people understand fully what it's like, but I know my autism affects people around me and for my part I at least try to do what I can to minimise that. I may be disabled but I'm not helpless, and as much as my family have supported me I know it's been very hard for them, too, and if there were more services like you suggest I think they'd go along way towards making autism a bit more bearable for all involved-not just the autistic person. 

Truly, my heart goes out to you and I hope you are feeling better than you were, I would not wish that darkness on anyone, but should you have to walk in it again please remember there are many here who will walk with you until you find your way to the sunlight :) 

Thanks!!!!! 

You too, take care.

Many thanks................................. same to you.... Life can be so tough but I am glad that I have met you all and that we can try to help one another!Take care............... 

So sorry you're going through a really dreadful time.

Hi Dave, I fully agree with you!!! I have been trying to find help for the longest time, tried to commit suicide last December and it is a miracle that I am still here and surely not due to the good care I received! The lack of compassion is horrendous, they can see you in the worse distress ever but it is like they are made of ice and anyway, many are well-meaning volunteers who lend a listening ear but many times what one needs is someone who really takes over and knows what to do and what to say, not a very young person who is kind but has no idea what to do with the situation. I will be honest with you, volunteers often make things worse because if they didn't exist the government would have to find better solutions. This way it seems that the help is out there and it isn't. Also many organizations immediately say that they are charities, don't have funds but... if I can pay a lot of money they will be there for me. This is horrendous? I wrote a diary through Lockdown until I ended in the hospital before Christmas, then I stopped, I don't have the energy anymore and I just try to enjoy the bits of better times that we have but it would be interesting for someone to read it, also because it details the terrible tenancy problems we have had, which I also had to deal with on my own. 

The Samaritans, exactly the way you describe but how come no professional knows about it? I suppose you are not a professional and I surely am not but we both know they actually doesn't work, at least not in most cases? If I could find a solution on my own I would have done it a long time ago! God knows I have tried.... and tried, and tried.... I am intelligent, I have a lot of life experience, this is not my first marriage that fails because of such problems or similar ones... Sometimes I think that I know more than the experts but I still can't find a way to get through to him, not in a permanent way. But I don't seem to be able to give up either not only because of logistics but also because with him, if we find a way through, my life can be a rich one, without him i will have to give up on my music and the last dreams of my life (too long to explain in this reply but I can if you wish). 

Yes, I am sure that with good guidance we can stay together. I am also sure that we were on an important path, with our music and artistic endeavours. I am also sure that we would be happier for it rather than me at almost 64 and him at 69 now going out there and starting all over again but I don't know where to find that help, not one we can afford. If we had loads of money we would find help tomorrow. Yes, the way we live now will drive both of us into an early grave and the problem where to go doesn't apply to him, he drives, can find a suitable place in a less expensive area as he doesn't need to be near amenities but I do. Where we live now it is too expensive for me and too isolated, I don't know England and don't know anywhere so I could go anywhere but where? Back to Wales too many bad memories.... I don't know what to do and I wonder if there are other couples out there who found a solution. The guy from  Mind calls again this afternoon but I went through that last Summer with no practical results. I only agreed to speak to him because I thought that as this time it was someone who works with the surgery he would be some kind of counsellor but he is not, just someone who listens and who gives you liinks. Thanks for your reply, you did me a lot of good... great to know that there are others out there who see things the same way, know how the system works or doesn't work.. .even that is a great help, .Sometimes I think that I am going crazy! Funny enough with my ex-husband (diagnosed with BPD at the end of our marriage), money was no problem at all but we never managed to get good help and we both agreed that with the right guidance our marriage would have survived. That all makes this experience now so much more painful! 

Hi Sarah, many thanks for your reply... No, I am not OK and by now also struggling with health problems caused by all the stress, and seeing my last good years slipping away from me and not knowing what to do to make things better, not knowing what I would do on my own even if I am a very strong person who has found a way through so many times in life. I am just so tired.... We moved to England when the first Lockdown started, from Wales, live very isolated and if there are times when I manage to get everything back on track (always me) and we try to restart our lives with a smile on our faces, I start singing again, start making plans, we start making our music videos, audition, etc, it doesn't take a lot to get me down anymore, because I am so very tired. He doesn't understand that, doesn't see things going downhill while i still try to keep on the top of things and manage our lives as well as I possibly can. 

Telling someone about it... I spent months last year going through the motions with our GP (who has now moved on so no one knows us), Mind and all the other organizations, trying to alert everybody about what was going on here, even that I was being gaslighted and wasn't copying, Samaritans, the lot. Over and over again we were offered therapy costing huge amounts of money, I was assessed and the demonour was so very cold... There was a very nice lady who called me a few times to be sure that I was still doing OK but she told me that she was also seeking support but despite being in the mental health service after almost a year she hadn't found what she needed, that shows how bad the situation is. Thanks for the links but, they do nothing at all. I could tell you horrible stories. I wrote a diary through lockdown, our tenancy problems and the problems with my husband, which I think shows the dire state of the mental health in England, which is no better or worse than in Wales. I can't stand hearing the Royals go on and on about the need of talking, to whom? I now have again someone from Mind who called once and will call again today but... just someone who has no idea about these issues, probably a volunteer (I know that he is not a therapist or anything). He just gives me links and I would have to go through the whole system again while our lives crumble to pieces. We moved here for more work opportunities, much higher bills, work dried up and I haven't been in a state to do much anyway, so this has made our financial situation far worse. My professional slot at almost 64 is short but I could really do great things, just I depend on him for that. 

I feel that the partners are left in the cold, no one cares about us. People like my husband they lead quite fulfilling lives because he doesn't really realise what is going on. What is in his mind is a very fulfilling relationship, he is a great husband... what he doesn't realize is that what he shows is completely different. He is very placid and he doesn't do anything with malice, highly educated and if you meet him you will like him a lot. people who know us on social media see us as the golden couple, not because we lie but because we put our artistic work out there which is quite good and on paper he is very loving, very romantic... just emotionally I am left out in the cold by someone I don't even manage to communicate with. 

Ongoing support? There isn't any............... As someone said here there comes a time when death feels like the end of the suffering, like comfort, not something scary! Such a waste of life..... Thanks for listening! 

Hi, I am no expert and I started out on other ideas like alexithymia but in the end I thought that autism does fit this situation the best. I don't blame anything on autism but if this is what he suffers from he could learn to deal with it and so could I, like so many other people do. Yes, it is him causing me so much grief but he doesn't do it on purpose.  

Hi, thanks for your reply.... yes, I fully understand the lack of fear and the appeal of freedom, that is the way I feel. For me the sadness is that I have dealt with autism and other such problems in relationships before,starting with my father and now, at the age of 63, I just feel so tired to in a way be almost the carer again... not that they can't lead their own lives, they can but in order to the relationship to work it all comes down to me. I feel that there is very little support for the families or at least partners, out there, as if the system doesn't realize that we are left out in the cold and end up having severe problems ourselves. 

I felt that I couldn't go on around Christmas last year, ended up in the hospital, they just let me go the next day, didn't even care to really speak to me, didn't realize that I was almost on automatic pilot just going through the motions as I had been during months of desperation sent from organization to organization, on the phone, constantly being assessed by people who didn't show even a bit of compassion, looking at me as someone with a mental problem and wanting my husband to be the one who would give them information about me instead of the other way around. In fact no one cared.... Of course after i came out of the hospital my husband was not able to offer me the emotional support I needed either and the whole cycle has never stopped since, I mean of us falling into a bad place, me trying to get us out of it.... In the hospital we were told to pay between £60 and £100 a month and go and have therapy. They really have no idea that people like us, who right now manage to keep afloat would lose everything if we went down that route. 

At my age a lot of people have been through a lot already and the thoughts some nice, productive, happy last years doesn't seem on the horizon either (not to speak about Covid, self-isolation, etc). If you look at my photo I look far younger than my real age, had a lot of aspirations but my husband's problem kills everything. OK, I could leave but that is very complicated too, nowhere to go, I don't know anyone in England, don't drive so need to be near amenities which makes houses so very expensive... left my own country a long time ago... And it all feels so very unfair because with help maybe we would make it. 

I know what you mean, I have been in a very bad place and come out the other side, I am a very strong person but I am so fed up of being the strong, wise one, the one who never has anybody there for her... I am very sociable, likeable, I think, I have a lot of talents.... but I don't know how to navigate these relationships. He is a high functioning autist, highly educated but I fear no good at relationships although his last marriage lasted for over 40 years but that was because she had mental health issues and was under treatment and often hospitalized for many years. 

You brought tears to my eyes with the last part of or reply.... It is amazing to hear someone recognize what I have been doing all this years, how I have hung in there, how I have fought to find solutions because we have also had very severe tenancy problems all of which I have had to fight on my own to the point that lately my health has been very frail, so i have to deal with that too. My ex-husband was diagnosed with BPD at the end of our relationship. This one no, he can't acknowledge what has been going on. Talking is too overwhelming for him, he has difficulty understand how this makes me feel and why I break down, using articles in order to show him things in a more structured way doesn't work either, as you say using bullet points, which he had the opportunity to read beforehand.. He doesn't recognize himself in any of it even if he does trust me and knows that I am not exaggerating. 

No, the Samaritans are no good, neither are all the other services out there. As far as I am concerned they are just gimmicks. No one did ever even see that my husband has a problem that needs addressing. They only look at the person ringing the bell without wanting to hear the whole story, maybe because of privacy gimmicks that go above the rights of those suffering? They all knew that I was being a victim of gaslighting and no one ever did anything. I see my last good years wasting away and it hurts so much.... All the best to you, my friend.... your reply shows me a terrific person! Thanks!!!! 

Please bear in mind that all the standard advice about emergency management is really to pass responsibility elsewhere and everyone is keen to pass on responsibility.

Emergency care has not been shown to save lives, but can humiliate and increase risk.

samaritans are a listening ear and don’t give any advice. Their idea is to encourage you to work out your own solution , which can also be frustrating 

Both you and your husband need to decide whether you can live with each other and care for each other. Marriage guidance is my recommendation providing both of you can agree to go along with it.

sometimes separation is better than living with resentment and pain, but where would you go and how about consequences??

Hi Myosotis. Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay. If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. I have popped in some other links below for you incase you need them:

If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. You can find more information here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

Hope this helps,

SarahMod

I think its more to do with your husband specifically than having autism.  He may have that as well but having autism doesn't prevent people from having other conditions too or negative personality traits that can make them unbearable to live with. Don't blame it on the autism, if you have problems with your husband its him who is causing you grief not autism.

First of all, there is ALWAYS a way to go on.

I've lost close ones to suicide, and I've spent the last few years feeling suicidal, myself. If I've learned anything, it's that no matter how bad things get, you will get through it, and you will be stronger for the experience. The last few months haven't been as bad for me, but for a long time the thought of jumping off a bridge was one I couldn't get out of my mind. The worst thing is it didn't feel scary or depressing, it just feel like freedom. Like going on a holiday or something, a way to escape the pain.

Thankfully I'm not in that frame of mind anymore, but I'm open to the possibility I may feel that way again. But I also know, because of my experience, that however much things change, however much I have to bear, I can and will bear it, and I will come through the other side. 

Trust me, you will too. 

I'm unfortunately completely useless with communication and relationshipy stuff so I don't feel I can advise you in that regard. Not knowing your husband I could only give you my perspective as an autistic person, but then he might react entirely differently to how I would based on what I could tell you of my own autism, and so I feel it would be irresponsible of me to do so.

But please seek help for the feelings you are having. It's admirable how you have stood by your husband for this long but it's not fair for you to have to develop issues of your own, as a result. You never know, maybe that will be the thing to make him realise how much of a problem it is becoming for you and be willing to take the initiative and get help, too. If he finds the information overwhelming try to explain it to him, if possible, in a way that he can understand. Bullet points might help. Some way of giving him the information he needs without feeling overwhelmed with information. 

But please, if you're feeling like you can't go on call a friend, call Samaritans, they will be able to help you in the mean time. 

Take care :)