Suicide

Hi, I am no expert and I started out on other ideas like alexithymia but in the end I thought that autism does fit this situation the best. I don't blame anything on autism but if this is what he suffers from he could learn to deal with it and so could I, like so many other people do. Yes, it is him causing me so much grief but he doesn't do it on purpose.  

Hi, thanks for your reply.... yes, I fully understand the lack of fear and the appeal of freedom, that is the way I feel. For me the sadness is that I have dealt with autism and other such problems in relationships before,starting with my father and now, at the age of 63, I just feel so tired to in a way be almost the carer again... not that they can't lead their own lives, they can but in order to the relationship to work it all comes down to me. I feel that there is very little support for the families or at least partners, out there, as if the system doesn't realize that we are left out in the cold and end up having severe problems ourselves. 

I felt that I couldn't go on around Christmas last year, ended up in the hospital, they just let me go the next day, didn't even care to really speak to me, didn't realize that I was almost on automatic pilot just going through the motions as I had been during months of desperation sent from organization to organization, on the phone, constantly being assessed by people who didn't show even a bit of compassion, looking at me as someone with a mental problem and wanting my husband to be the one who would give them information about me instead of the other way around. In fact no one cared.... Of course after i came out of the hospital my husband was not able to offer me the emotional support I needed either and the whole cycle has never stopped since, I mean of us falling into a bad place, me trying to get us out of it.... In the hospital we were told to pay between £60 and £100 a month and go and have therapy. They really have no idea that people like us, who right now manage to keep afloat would lose everything if we went down that route. 

At my age a lot of people have been through a lot already and the thoughts some nice, productive, happy last years doesn't seem on the horizon either (not to speak about Covid, self-isolation, etc). If you look at my photo I look far younger than my real age, had a lot of aspirations but my husband's problem kills everything. OK, I could leave but that is very complicated too, nowhere to go, I don't know anyone in England, don't drive so need to be near amenities which makes houses so very expensive... left my own country a long time ago... And it all feels so very unfair because with help maybe we would make it. 

I know what you mean, I have been in a very bad place and come out the other side, I am a very strong person but I am so fed up of being the strong, wise one, the one who never has anybody there for her... I am very sociable, likeable, I think, I have a lot of talents.... but I don't know how to navigate these relationships. He is a high functioning autist, highly educated but I fear no good at relationships although his last marriage lasted for over 40 years but that was because she had mental health issues and was under treatment and often hospitalized for many years. 

You brought tears to my eyes with the last part of or reply.... It is amazing to hear someone recognize what I have been doing all this years, how I have hung in there, how I have fought to find solutions because we have also had very severe tenancy problems all of which I have had to fight on my own to the point that lately my health has been very frail, so i have to deal with that too. My ex-husband was diagnosed with BPD at the end of our relationship. This one no, he can't acknowledge what has been going on. Talking is too overwhelming for him, he has difficulty understand how this makes me feel and why I break down, using articles in order to show him things in a more structured way doesn't work either, as you say using bullet points, which he had the opportunity to read beforehand.. He doesn't recognize himself in any of it even if he does trust me and knows that I am not exaggerating. 

No, the Samaritans are no good, neither are all the other services out there. As far as I am concerned they are just gimmicks. No one did ever even see that my husband has a problem that needs addressing. They only look at the person ringing the bell without wanting to hear the whole story, maybe because of privacy gimmicks that go above the rights of those suffering? They all knew that I was being a victim of gaslighting and no one ever did anything. I see my last good years wasting away and it hurts so much.... All the best to you, my friend.... your reply shows me a terrific person! Thanks!!!! 

Anti depressents are terrible they are a Band-Aid to a bigger problem. It numbs you but doesn't help if he doesn't want to seek help he won't get better or try improve himself. You can only lead a horse to water.

Please bear in mind that all the standard advice about emergency management is really to pass responsibility elsewhere and everyone is keen to pass on responsibility.

Emergency care has not been shown to save lives, but can humiliate and increase risk.

samaritans are a listening ear and don’t give any advice. Their idea is to encourage you to work out your own solution , which can also be frustrating 

Both you and your husband need to decide whether you can live with each other and care for each other. Marriage guidance is my recommendation providing both of you can agree to go along with it.

sometimes separation is better than living with resentment and pain, but where would you go and how about consequences??

Hi Myosotis. Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay. If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. I have popped in some other links below for you incase you need them:

If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. You can find more information here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

Hope this helps,

SarahMod

I think its more to do with your husband specifically than having autism.  He may have that as well but having autism doesn't prevent people from having other conditions too or negative personality traits that can make them unbearable to live with. Don't blame it on the autism, if you have problems with your husband its him who is causing you grief not autism.

First of all, there is ALWAYS a way to go on.

I've lost close ones to suicide, and I've spent the last few years feeling suicidal, myself. If I've learned anything, it's that no matter how bad things get, you will get through it, and you will be stronger for the experience. The last few months haven't been as bad for me, but for a long time the thought of jumping off a bridge was one I couldn't get out of my mind. The worst thing is it didn't feel scary or depressing, it just feel like freedom. Like going on a holiday or something, a way to escape the pain.

Thankfully I'm not in that frame of mind anymore, but I'm open to the possibility I may feel that way again. But I also know, because of my experience, that however much things change, however much I have to bear, I can and will bear it, and I will come through the other side. 

Trust me, you will too. 

I'm unfortunately completely useless with communication and relationshipy stuff so I don't feel I can advise you in that regard. Not knowing your husband I could only give you my perspective as an autistic person, but then he might react entirely differently to how I would based on what I could tell you of my own autism, and so I feel it would be irresponsible of me to do so.

But please seek help for the feelings you are having. It's admirable how you have stood by your husband for this long but it's not fair for you to have to develop issues of your own, as a result. You never know, maybe that will be the thing to make him realise how much of a problem it is becoming for you and be willing to take the initiative and get help, too. If he finds the information overwhelming try to explain it to him, if possible, in a way that he can understand. Bullet points might help. Some way of giving him the information he needs without feeling overwhelmed with information. 

But please, if you're feeling like you can't go on call a friend, call Samaritans, they will be able to help you in the mean time. 

Take care :)