A National Friendship Database

A snug in a bar may be fine if you want to have a small group of existing friends go for a quiet drink but it’s less suitable for bringing a small to medium group of strangers together to join in an activity, unless maybe that activity is a quiet game of cards. 

also in my experience the pub upper rooms tend to be booked out by bands or students organising private socials. Maybe your area is just quieter.

the dynamic of getting new people who don’t know each other together round an activity is quite different from preexisting friends meeting up. I for one find it much easier to make connections when there is a thing People have in common That is the focus of the day.

You probably have @kiticat exploed natropathic herbalism. It took me a few years going up the learning curve and exploring my mind at the same time, but it's done me wonders. I love the book Healing with Wholefoods, and Botanical Bodycare. Recipes for Self Healing is also really good but you need a 5 Spirit Accupuncturist to guide you with it. I turned wholefoods and traditional medicine into my Special Interest, did courses in it, met some nice people etc.

I know a little of that type of attention. I'm 50 but look mid thirties, sometimes can pass for my twenties, got ID'd on my 47th birthday. I dread the conversation of age coming up in groups, and the same, the focus goes on my lifestyle, food, not drinking, running, etc, when most of it is just genes. It's awkward. Sounds way worse for you, female friends have told me about the competeive nature of women in groups. There are great people out there, you just gotta keep looking.

And so crap that cos of certain men you have to keep your messages off:(.

I do a lot of Meetups and venues are not a problem if you think laterally - lots of pubs have side-bars or rooms so if you speak to them about when is their dead day - like a Wednesday evening - they'll usually let you use it for nothing as long as you're bringing a few people to buy their beer.     I usually organise pub evenings for that reason - our local has a huge bay window which we book so it's nice & easy to find us.      We're usually a group of 10 to 15.

Some meetings can be tricky - meals out often need a deposit from everyone before you book - that's a nightmare.

We also have a cricket club down the road with immaculate grounds so we organise a picnic when their playing - the grass will have been cut and the bar is open - just remember to clap appropriately every now & then      It makes them feel they have more supporters too.  win-win.

I think there is a great deal to be said for trying to make friends through shared interests. Actually a website for this even exists, ‘meetup.com’ however my experience using it was it was rather broad and lopsided. The groups seem to be heavily biased towards arty type activities. The second is frankly some of the groups are very broad. The local ‘geek group’ On meetup in my area was very classic geek. Lots of people into main stream scifi and Harry Potter. But Anime, indy/ low budget sci fi films, any kinda Video game that isn’t an FPS or pet simulator, not so much.

these siteS like to define interests pretty broadly but actually I think for autistic people that can be counter productive. On top of that starting a group around an interest is actually really hard practically. You can only talk about your interest so much before you want to do it with people. It’s why so many of these groups centre around arts and crafts, because it’s not to hard to find a place where you can do it together, at least when there isn’t a lockdown on.

the real obstical to this sort of thing is suitable physical space. A place you can set out 5+ video game consoles for people to play on At once or a place with a big screen to watch things together. Or if you’ve a technical bent a place you can pull out a soldering iron with out being accused of wielding a lethal weapon. As soon as you ask someone if you can use a space everything becomes horribly complicated. They need to know who’s in charge where the personal liability insurance is, often they want to vet what you do in case some sensitive soul is deeply offended that someone was playing mortal combat in their church hall And all the blood upset their sensibilities.

then there is the cost. Physical space is costly. Even charity’s tend to charge for it. So why should they give it For free to a group that has maybe 4 people max but is hoping to build interest when they are already over subscribed with established community groups wanting to use the space and often willing to pay for it?

you know what would really help these sorts of groups get of them ground. Limit the legal liability of smaller groups and their venues, and make more indoor community space available in the inner city.

dont get me wrong making friends online sounds fun but I doubt it’ll be that easy with out a common focus, an activity, to draw people together.

God, it sounds like you really struggle with your sensitive nature side. As Plastic has stated elsewhere, we often internalise all the negative things we perceive that has happened to us and hold on to them and are quick to forget all the positive experiences and people. If this is left unchecked it can result in a kind of cabin-fever negativity that can easily be incorporated into your everyday, habitual mindset .

Everyone is different but I know more than one female family member who have dysfunctional digestive problems, immune-system related problems and so on. I'm not a medical expert but what I have observed is that the one person with the most symptoms I know of, is also the biggest worrier and seems to live in a permanent state of fear/stress. Fear of change being the most obvious. This is a re-enforced, double-skinned, concrete wall ( protective shell ) that has been built to protect them from previous experiences and traumas. Some of the traumas and experiences were very valid in the past but others more recently are entirely habitual reactions to the past.

 The body and mind are not separate entities.

I would encourage a more holistic approach and reach out to those of a similar mindset. 

HiyaI

tt's not a competition, but where there's a way....      If people make comments about what your eat, find other people or do other activities -  I sometimes go ten=pin bowling with another meetup group (when it's open) and food is very optional and crazy expensive so only some people do that - I nurse a Diet Coke all night.       Chose your activities.to reduce risk.

Ok - I get what you mean about PMs - there are so many a-holes around.    Feel free to message me if you want - no pressure at all..

I have great difficulties with spontaneous outings - I need a few hours of prep to get my body into the right mode.     Early mornings are really difficult.    Some activities are too hard for me but I plan my time well.   Lunchtimes are good and evenings require food-juggling to stabilise my body.      I have a disabled bathroom key which is handy..    

My friends know about my limitations so are perfectly fine about me having to leave places early or not eat anything.

I almost built half a house until the latest problem stopped me..   

Haha, you've got me there with your more serious health issues. You sound very dynamic. I've given up trying to make my body do what I want, I'm tired of vomiting and/or collapsing, it wastes weeks out of my life when I've got a family to look after.

The trouble for me is other women. I am a thin woman, therefore apparently a target for all sorts of nasty comments about how skinny I am, what diet am I on, how do I keep so thin etc. etc. Within 5 minutes of meeting me, other women leap on the 'you're so skinny' bandwagon. It always happens, every time.

So if I dare to order water or tea instead of cake, I get the 'oh you're so good.' 'Is that how you keep so skinny?' 'Look at you, showing off how good you are.' etc. etc. etc. The topic of conversation is 'how skinny KikiCat is', every time. It's draining. It got so bad when I was younger that I stopped eating in front of other women due to the bullying. I used to hide from them and eat in secret.

Why is it good to eat and drink certain things and bad to eat others? Why is it so good to be 'skinny'? WTF is wrong with them.

So I carefully hide my eating and drinking habits from everyone due to the nastiness.

Yes, I don't allow private messages due to bitter experience. Like most women, I get a deluge of 'hey babe wanna fvck' messages and I'm tired of them.

Not saying you'd do that of course! But it's better to be careful, who knows who is lurking around...

Excuses!     

I've had ulcerative pan-colitis for 20 years and CFS as well for the last 8 years  - if you want embarrassing food complications then this is pretty bad - 

I've found no explanations are necessary when out  - if they order coffee & cake, order bottled water or lemon tea.   

Taking 2 "Immodium Instants" an hour before going out stops any other triggers or problems.      If you click at all with the people, next time maybe mention that you've got a ton of difficulties - most people don't really want to go down that path so it's just accepted as 'ok'  

Go for it! 

With careful preparation, I can do trans-Atlantic flights and a full park-bashing while I'm there!    It takes its toll and there's always pay-back - but I get to do what I want or need to.

I'm happy to explain a whole load of strategies to MAKE my body do what I want it to do. (your settings don't seem to allow PMs)

I think you have the right ideas and advice for me, or at least for a normal person.

The trouble is: I have lots of food intolerances plus wildly varying blood sugar/ energy levels, so the amount of preparation I have to do before I go anywhere is mind boggling i.e. find and prepare my own food and taking water with me; make sure I've eaten and drunk exactly the right things before I go to prevent issues happening and then when I get there I have to carefully explain why I can't eat and drink certain things and can only do certain activities without needing to rest. This is enough to put people off me instantly, they think I'm fussy instead of coping with health challenges. I look thin and healthy, so what could possibly be wrong with me? I've had issues when out doing activities and it's been frightening and embarrassing.

I think this is probably why I'm isolated. I've now become so frightened of going out due to scary episodes in the past, that I don't go out anymore. It's pretty hopeless tbh.

What I've learnt is that in groups you can meet someone who is good enough for now. You hang out with them even if only partially ok, then eventually you meet people through them, and at some point you click with one of those. So i often hang on in there.

There will be lots of opportunities - the first is something like MeetUp - the shotgun approach - you'll meet lots and lots of people at coffee mornings or lunches or specialist groups - you might click with one or two.

Another is to look at your past hobbies and find the local equivalent - book club, local history group etc.   the more nerdy, the more aspies you'll find-  they're so much easier to deal with.

Another is putting yourself into things - I enjoyed being an Explorer Scout leader - getting to do all the fun, exciting and dangerous stuff with a bunch of mixed nice kids in the 14-18 age-group,       We did raft building, Go Ape, shooting, archery, canal trip etc. etc. - and you get to join in - like having a second childhood with the sense to appreciate it!  .

Lots of the leaders seem to be aspie - very 'into' the whole thing - it's nice..

Don't worry, I'm used to being alone now. And surely a town of 15K people will have more friendship opportunities than the 4K people in the village I live in now! That's nearly 4x the size. I grew up in a town of 15K people, it was fine. We lived in London for a few years, I met friends there but it was too overcrowded and dangerous in London.

Yes, I experience absolute bliss. Sometimes it's brief, sometimes days or even regular over certain weeks. People seem to have played a role in my background state to enable it. I think for me it's when I'm at true ease with someone. Often I'm just in excitement, or driven mode. But sometimes someone comes along and I'm just me, and that creates bliss.

I do worry that a town of 15k isn't going to be big enough for you to find what you want. Some are, like Machynlleth in Wales is small but loads of stuff there, and interesting people.

Towns I've spotted are Totnes, Lancaster, Carmarthen, Exeter, they seem to have "scenes," whether uni, green, countercultural but seem to draw certain types. Lancaster just feels full of undiagnosed ASs to me.

I wish I'd been more savvy before we moved here and avoided it. My next house move will be far better researched and considered. Of course the internet helps with research. The next town we move to is around 15K people- hopefully a lot more going on and more opportunities for friendship.

I think my mum could have BPD or narcissism as I said. Look up narcissism, it would ring a bell with you. My dad might have been autistic...but he died 40 years ago so I can't remember much about him.

Same here. My mum doesn't know me at all, she is like an acquaintance, and it's getting worse as she gets older. I realised after I reached 20 or so, she saw me as competition. I had my very first boyfriend aged 23 and she chatted him up, went on long walks with him, sided with him to the point where I had to ask him if he wanted me or her? I can't imagine doing that with my daughter, she isn't competition, she is my baby!

How nice that you play such a big part in some people's lives. I have some email friends who say I'm their only friend, that is astounding. But I need people physically here in my life who like and appreciate me, not lots of online friends.

When we move house...that is all I think about now. Moving house to a bigger town with more opportunities for friendship...

This is both heartbreaking and fascinating at the same time. Heartbreaking in the sense that I can relate to it in some way but cannot quite put my finger on it. It's like, despite all the suffering i perceive is happening to me on an ongoing basis, at times, however infrequent or very small  they are, I have these brief moments from time to time that are totally blissful. Like what a perfect world would look like or feel like. Very brief but a harmony none the less. Some more enlightened beings will be able to shed more light on this subject I'm sure but I often wonder if all these fears and insecurities I've had  are actually valid or have any value to myself or anyone. What is the reason for them ? 

Then I see one example or a glimpse of what I can only describe as the perfect person in my eyes and I want more of that but I know I cannot have it. I am not that person. Is it looking for oneself in others because we didn't have the confidence  or self- confidence in ourselves ? 

i'm sure we can help each other in all this. 

Back to high needs.

I can see I struggle to process my own stuff and that I use others to try and make sense of it, especially romantic stuff. I get into difficult relationship scrapes where neither of us can tell if there's mutual interest and i analyse and analyse it without sticking my neck out. This is an extra reason to me wanting people around, and needing deep and meaningful, more than NTs seem to need.