A National Friendship Database

Yeah, i had a whole post on this a few months ago about overwhelming people, i think you mentioned this there. I have to rein in my enthusiasm for peoole. I've realised though that I'm a lot more important to many people than i thought. I often think i'm a small piece in someone's life only to discover i'm much more. I had an aspie like conversation once with an NT friend who i really liked, valued and esteemed. I was trying to explicitly understand his social connections so he talked about his close friends. He finished by saying "and then there's you, you're in a different league," and continued to state how he related to me differently and valued me. I was gobsmacked. I'd never twigged, saw myself as periphery, maintained a very measured approach to seeing him. I've seen that's been the case often since. But yes, even my closest friends i have to keep a big eye on my enthusiasm and their sanity and capacity.

@kikicat ocpd is Obsessive Compulisive Personality Disorder. Someone posted recently about it and i read the wiki on it. It shares some traits with autism but a lot of difference too. Elements seem like a mean version of autism.

@kikicat, yes, my mother gets upset if i show difference, like i don't watch tv like she does, don't like carrots like she does. It's like she can'r see me as separate. I assumed she had Borderline Personality Disorder, I don't think there's any autism there, my dad and his dad seems to have brought that.

Anger was the dominant emotion with him too. Not with me though with Mum. I think he was overwhelmed with emotions in general in himself & others and had no clue what they were let alone how to handle them. Anger was his response to the overwhelm I think which rendered him useless in ever being able to have any kind of difficult conversations or cope with anything difficult happening in his life.

The anger led to the marriage break-up which in turn closed him up even further. There was never any real bonding or affection throughout his life with any of the kids he had. He was unconsciously petrified of emotions. It wasn't like having a Father, more of a family acquaintance or something. 

It's a pity they don't teach these things in school. We'd all be a lot better off.  

Yes you have to be REALLY careful not to overwhelm people don't you. When I began to make friends with the 2 friends I've got, I had to be really careful not to text them every day, get worried if they didn't text for a week, just try to relax and hope they hadn't dumped me. 

They are my 2 best friends. But I never tell them this as I don't want to pressure them. I know they have other, closer friends than me so they would be shocked if I told them they are my only 2 friends in the world. So it's a constant juggle between what I need and their sanity. haha.

I think you're right. They are either pushed around or do IT jobs. And/or an assertive woman decides to marry them and organise their lives. I've seen lots of couples where the man is an eccentric boffin, and the woman is a mother earth, friend to everyone.

My mum is like that: intelligent but no idea about emotions or feelings. She always got angry when I showed emotions or had needs which didn't correspond to hers. And she got angry when I didn't understand her needs or fit in with what she wanted to do. She's always angry, that seems to be her only emotion.

I did read it a few years ago. I identified with it but was wary of asking about autism testing at the doctors' because every other problem I've asked them about has been dismissed or even mocked.

I think I'm just too intellectual for most people, who prefer talking about celebrities. But of course I'm stuck in this backwater til my daughter leaves education. Trudging along, day by day.

What's OCPD?

We're all dying.

Yeah, I'm definitely seeing a pattern with mental health issues of people generally running away because they don't know what the hell to do about it. My own past included. I suppose that manifests in differing ways depending on the individual. Having routines, rigid daily structures, filling every waking hour with activity, prescribed medication, self-medication of alcohol or drugs and so on. I'm glad you've found the healthy version and what works for you.

As for a cure or healing, I don't think there is one-size-fits-all, universal magic cure. At the moment I am leaning towards the idea that healing can only come about through an understanding of one's own suffering and in turn, of suffering in general. I think it's up to the individual what they do with that or what it propels them to do to find their own healing or maybe even a purpose from it. 

Yeah - I took part in a zoom meeting for the model club on the weekend - there's always a show & tell bit - and I'm the only one doing anything - like all my Technical lego and building loads of Airfix models and sorting out the garage and project-managing the extension and going for my chemo and planning days away - and I'm dying! - all the rest are full of excuses and not achieving anything.  

He's a Canadian doctor and addiction and mental health specialist who is also ADHD. Many videos and some books available from him. I'm just beginning to explore this area but he is really a helpful resource. Very compassionate and real and easy to understand. 

Who's Gobor Mate? And what else have you found out Turtle?

The truth is I'm probably most soothed when in a relationship.

Seeing 3-4 people regular works for me, more than lots of people a tiny bit. I train with someone 3 times a week, so that fills two eves and gives a structure to Saturday. It tires me, I have a bath after, eat and of an eve read and go to bed early. We chat, but he doesn't dig.

Sunday I have a long run with a new'ish mate. Again it gives structure to the day. The reliable weekly rhythm of seeing each other suits me. He's busy with family so there's a clear boundary on not being able to hang out more.

I then see a work colleague that I'm in a bubble with once ot sometimes twice a week.

I've learnt how to do holidays on my own around sport, mostly fell running and camping or hostel and walks.

If I get neurotically social I find three nights on my own and I reset and am content, generally.

Avoiding love drama seems key, but hard even when i try not to be drawn to someone they always find a way in and mess with my head, n heart.

Oh, n 5 Spurit accupuncture helps me, p,us all my goals and special interests. But dealing with the old grief and black holes, dunno.

Yeah, it's easy to problematise positives. I can overwhelm myself, and be too busy to be good for me, but revelling in things can be fun! Yeah, I can't get my head around how some people have nothing going on. A friend asked me once by phone "What have you been up to this week?" then quickly filled in "No, don't,  just hearing  it all will exhaust me" He wasn't being nasty, he was being genuine that a list of everything I'd done would be too much.

Then there's everything that's gone on in my head .... , that's even more fun!

Mark, I think no matter what it is that causes suffering, those people need to be heard and their story told. After all, it's the way we live as a collective that is the cause of most mental health issues therefore imperative the sufferers are listened to so we can collectively address the causes for prevention in the future. Otherwise, the issues will be passed-on from one generation to the next. 

With the need to be soothed, I believe it comes from childhood and yes, I think the sense of identity is central to that or at least a major part of it. I know Gabor Mate and others have looked into these themes in more depth. Can it be rectified or managed ? I don't know but it's something I'm trying to explore atm. Have you had any good advice in this area ?

Mark (NicheMarket) said:

Maybe it's just that I have an insatiable appetite for life,

Awesome!   Me too - I speak to a lot of people and say how's things or what's going on for you and almost always the answer is "errrrr, nothing."

I love getting together with my aspie friends - there's always something happening or interesting to talk about..

I made a new friend a few months ago that I was scared of overwhelming with my enthusiasm. aidie nicknamed him Mr New Special Interest. I thought it was a lighthearted but sweet joke. I can see though how true it is, that I relate to him as a Special Interest. I'm full of enthusiasm to share doing things together and share my thoughts. I've managed myself so contained it to just our weekly run. He's got a wife, two kids, busy job, extended family, so limited time but I'm full of enthusiasm to do stuff together, and with his kids. I think I generally have this pattern and it's not romantic or sexual, nor even needy, it's about sharing delight in things and offering these things to them, but also about sharing the inner machinations of my head. Maybe it's just that I have an insatiable appetite for life, but that comes from somewhere. Odd.