Blending in (mimicking)

Hi toe jam thank you for bringing this back to the top. I instantly recognised myself in your discription,always trying to analyse the person before responding in what I think would be comparable.

I have not been here long,had doubts at first as to wether or not I was autistic.but having spent time here I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am, no formal diagnosis, I have met many autistic folks on here each and every one unique but each sharing common pronounced thoughts.

I am 55 and male,married two grown up daughters etc,for all intents NT, Some here have masks! I prefer characters and the acting analogy.

I deserve a nomination for an award,maybe not winning it as I always act slightly wrong,subtle but better than a soap star actor.Lol.

take care and thank you for checking in.

by the way how are you?

I am sorry for not getting back to these boards sooner and apologize for not seeing the extra replies till now. With that said, I am grateful for the responses and having also been an rpg'er (I found LARP a bit too hard) was interesting to read that others have also invested time in this :)

Evan, until I started the ASD diagnosis process (which took almost a year due to 3/4 month gaps between appointments), I had thought that I might have BPD (Borderline) since I had read that malleable identity is a common feature, in addition to fear of rejection & dislike of spending too much time alone. Similarly, based on what I had read, I had incorrectly thought that ASD was characterised by rigid identity, dislike of social situations, difficulty with reading body language etc.

Once I accepted the possibilty I was on the autistic spectrum though, despite what I had always perceived as large contradictions, I started googling terms like 'Asperger Chameleon'. Much to my surprise, I found quite a few accounts of other people with ASD that had similar experiences to mine, right down to the issues with sometimes feeling like they have no real identity.

When I meet people in a new environment, it isn't quite like being in the witness protection program & creating a totally new random identity. It's more like starting out fairly opaque & then gradually fleshing out the details as required. I can only draw on my own personal experience though, as I dislike falsehood & deception. Omission & misdirection are fine though, and as most people only see what they want to see, that is usually enough. All my 'Masks' are really just idealised aspects of myself defined by the people I am with, which is also why I find prolonged solitude difficult, i.e. I feel increasingly fragmented & don't know who I am supposed to be.

On a lighter note though, by 'LARP' do you mean the one where people dress up & run around in old office buildings crudely disguised as dungeons? I've always wanted to try that, but never had the chance. A good friend of mine makes money dressing up as a zombie for something similar to that, where customers pay £100 to run round in the dark with paintball guns while the zombies jump out & scare them. I never fancied it though, as the rubber makeup would get stuck in my beard & it has taken me ages to grow it long enough to earn the nickname 'Santa' (which I find highly amusing).

Have fun

Good opinions about blending in by mimicking.

I developed coping strategies by mimicking by accident and help from other people, well before I even heard of the word autism.

Some good recent ideas/ facts /opinions that I have come across are.

That the NTs navigate the social world mostly by instinct.  There are unwritten rules and laws that people follow without even being aware of them.

We, on the other hand have to learn these rules explicitly, either work them out for ourselves or be taught by someone else.

We blend in by mimicking other people's behaviour through conscious effort.  While the NTs do it easily and instinctively.

For me the effort to blend in becomes exhausting after a time.  And one coping strategy is to withdraw.

By mimicking and blending in, I am referring to such behaviour as:

Eye contact when speaking.  Or at least looking in the direction of the person I'm speaking with. The face, possibly the eyes.  And determining how much eye contact is appropriate, avoid starring.  Be aware of appropriate personal space.

Conversation one to one.  Listen for clues in other person's speech to determine whose turn it is to speak, what about, again respect personal space, try to read facial expressions, etc,etc. It becomes very tiring and hard.

With groups it is even worse.

Personal space, always being careful not to be too close or too far and how it is dynamic and depends on circumstances.

And the main reason for all this mimicking.  The NTs outnumber us a hundred to one, so to live in their society we need to blend in with them.

ToeJam, the only bit of advice I can offer (and it's a lot harder to do than you think) is try to forgive yourself and also other people in situations where you feel an outsider.

Forgive yourself because it's not really your fault you have these problems and forgive others because they are not perfect and probably have no idea how you feel during such social situations. It takes time to get to know people and, generally, others will make allowances once they get to know you better. The ones that don't aren't worth knowing anyway.  

So all I am saying is have faith in people and you will be rewarded ten fold because people need people in the end.

I think I first became aware that I could fit in with people by consciously changing myself in my late teens. As I have mentioned previously, before that my existence outside home was very lonely, due to the endless bullying I was forced to endure at school. It wasn't possible to use the blending tactic against the bullies, since my role in that context was already too established & more importantly, in order to fit in with them, I would have had to become as thuggish & ignorant as they were.

In my experience, 'blending in' is more akin to establishing your identity within a given group based on your initial impression of what they are like. Humour helps a lot & I can remember as a teenager consciously trying to create a part of my brain that was constantly scanning for things to say that would make people laugh (especially terrible puns). Once you are accepted by the group, it's possible over a period of time to gradually relax the mask to something that requires less effort to maintain, but to be honest I don't really think of it as a mask, its more like the person I become when I am in that context. Its hard to describe exactly, because it isn't just external & I often feel like a different person on the inside as well.

When I was at university (many years ago), I used to play the old pen & paper Dungeons & Dragons with my flatmates (there were no fancy video games when, Space Invaders was the height of Tech), where you adopted a character in a world purely defined by imagination. It was great fun & people used to get very strongly attached to their characters. I still play Role Playing Games now, but only on game consoles. I preferred the pen & paper groups, but they are quite rare now. On the other hand though, the game consoles let you customise your characters & if for example you are playing a humanoid Tiger, you can even choose the exact fur markings, which is great fun!

I suppose what I am trying to say is that why should you always have to be the same person anyway. I haven't ever felt the 'double bind' you described as I honestly don't see 'blending in' with people as a form of deception. I wouldn't ever behave in a manner which was contrary to my moral code, so what does it matter if for example, some people think I am an extrovert, whilst others think the exact opposite. For me it is just creating a new persona based on which aspects of my personality I display or suppress in that context. Meeting new groups of people can even encourage you to expand your interests (and repertoire), but there are limits & I don't think I will ever understand the tribal obsession with football.

Hope some of this helps.

I find this very interesting to read as I can relate to a lot of this although I have no had a formal diagnosis. I am still in the "research" phase of collecting together information to decide if I should go forth with a diagnosis. I feel I am on the boundary between NT and ASD.

One thing which chimes with me is the concept of "blending in". I can guarantee that most people I know would not notice this in me. I do. I have probably been subconciously aware of it since I was about 16 and it is only now I am reading up about it that I have realised it's what I do quite a lot of the time.

I would like to ask how people feel in the following situation... You attend a social event with people who you know fairly well but are not best friends (ie good work colleagues). The idea of a social situation fills you with anxiety and it's still a big deal but you still go as you feel quite comfortable around these people (a small group of say 4 or 5 of you and all the others are very chatty but not loud and take time to listen when it's your turn. You feel that you have built up their trust and they are genuine lovely people and you all have things in common). You come home buzzing because a) you "passed" by being yourself as much as possible...b) you feel like a fraud because the conversation didn't dry up, or stop with you, or you didn't say the wrong thing/crack a joke no-one found funny / there were no awkward silences. Has anybody else experienced this "double bind" situation?

Also on another note of socialising with work colleagues. I have got more comfortable with this as I have been working at my place quite a few years now. I was kind of "eased in" and worked up the hours from one day to full time.  There is no pressure on having to attend social gatherings due to the nature of my job, so it is entirely my choice if I want to go (this also reduces anxiety as there is no expectation that you have to attend). Having attended a handful of these, I have found on occasions though that people will say to me the day after "oh you were quiet last night".  I feel that this is when the "blending in" becomes difficult as I am used to speaking to these people at work (mainly with a purpose or as part of the banter) but then at social events this is different and more so because everyone is together in one room. (And also you don't want to be talking about work all night..... And there is the whole "going up talking to people" even ones you work with every day). The only way I can describe it is as though you don't want the mask to slip and that you are anxious you will be "found out" as someone who isn't actually very good in social situations when you come across as quite adept each day at work.

Also does anyone experience the "double bind" of a)being nervous in a 1:1 situation as the onus is entirely on you to keep the conversation going with the other person but at the same time b) more comfortable with only 1 or 2 others as its easier to focus.

a)in larger groups happy to be on the outskirts as it's easier to manage (you don't have to commit as much to conversations) but at the same time b) want to get in there, get on with people and take part in the conversations like everyone else.

Like I said I think I am on the border although there are other aspects of ASD which I can identify with (not just social). I think I am really fortunate to have good friends, partner and relationships with others (although I do feel that a lot of it has been "learned" and from a woman's point of view, smiling, nodding, laughing and agreeing and generally being likeable can get you quite far).

Thanks for your time everyone.

Not sure what to suggest, obviously I've had quite a few blunders myself in the past, some of which have been quite spectacular. Usually I just try to distance myself from them & move on, which in one case (many years ago) was quite literal, as I changed jobs & moved to a different city. Hopefully your blunders won't require relocation, but try not to take mistakes so seriously. People worth knowing will usually ignore them & those that won't are probably best avoided anyway. Rather than my previous 'Avatar' analogy, why not make a game of it & think of social occasions as being like the kids TV show 'Mr Benn'. I find that wearing different clothes really does change the way I feel anyway & it's fun.

One thing I have always found is that allegedly 'Normal People' are uncomfortable when you try to change your personality/appearance & the example I always use is when men decide to grow a beard. People just accept that is the way you look if they didn't know you before the beard, but anyone who tries to grow one from scratch (they are itchy to begin with) has to put with endless abuse, which in many cases just makes them cave in to peer pressure & give up. What this usually means though is that once you have established a persona in a given context, it is quite difficult to change, so choose wisely.

Incidentally, I've had a beard for thirty years now but used to keep it short until around a year ago. Now I have a long white beard & regularly get called 'Santa' in the street which always makes me laugh.

Pirate Santa said:

-snip-

That is a brilliant analysis of what I was trying to express (I guess mine was less eloquent heh).

Re the following:

if 'blending in' works for you & makes you happy, why try to change it?

Therein lies the problem for me, when 'it works', yes, I'm happy... yet, however few and far between the 'disasters' may be, they pay a heavy toll on my self-esteem and notion of social competency and it's that part that I want to try to address so as to reduce stress.

Having observed how (some) other aspies (I've been attending several social groups specifically for those on the spectrum) seem to deal with blunders, I'm unsure as to whether they are oblivious or just take it on the chin, but it seems to have little impact... for this I am a little envious in truth and have been wondering how easy it would be to shut down the care factor. With that said, my wife would no doubt be less inclined to accept such behaviour when it involves her lol.

As to the parallels between homosexuality and aspergers, I'm unable to relate (no offence intended) and can only imagine the impact of both issues being at hand to deal with.

I definitely enjoyed the following though:

Indeed, even counselling techniques rely on teaching us behaviours to better fit in with the world of the Muggles!

I received my diagnosis about a month ago at age 55, which wasn't so much a surprise, more just one of the many potential explanations why I have always felt 'different'.

I was always very badly bullied at school & once I finally escaped that nightmare, I became very conscious of deliberately changing myself to fit in with groups of people that I had decided to associate myself with. Since I generally avoid people whose views conflict with my own basic moral codes, it doesn't require any major personality alterations, usually just tweaking of verbal & behavioural patterns.

Usually I just tend to alter my speech patterns to better fit in that environment, then observe what makes them laugh & retrieve appropriate personal anecdotes. If the association is longer term, I will also actively acquire new interests in order to better bond with the person/group. The effect isn't just external though, as I find different people change the way I feel about myself, i.e. some masks are much more comfortable than others.

I can generally read body language or subtle verbal cues fairly easily, but to me it feels more like pattern matching/analysis, as frequently my inner voice will provide 'Alerts' when it spots anything that requires action.

One of my problems though is that I have always had a very fragmented sense of self, with what feels like multiple 'Inner Critics' constantly commenting on every little mistake I make, or reminding me of those I have made in the past. When I am around other people though, the inner negative critical voices are generally silent, so perhaps paradoxically for people on the spectrum, I prefer social situations to being on my own.

Whenever I have discussed with friends, therapists etc, I have also received the advice to 'Just be myself', but I'm honestly not even sure what that means.

I've spent all of my adult life in working in Computer Programming which has significantly altered my mental landscape to the extent that my consciousness feels like constantly running adaptive parallel processes. The masks I wear to fit in are essentially just 'Avatars' & until someone invents artificial telepathy, it isn't possible for me to communicate without one. Even if I chose to try & wear the same mask all the time, that wouldn't be 'The Real Me' either, just one arbitrary version.

At this stage in my life, I don't want/need close personal relationships any more (i.e. partners) as they are too much hard work & in my opinion/experience any potential benefit is vastly outweighed by the negative fallout if things go wrong. I do try to cultivate a good circle of close friends though, & I have a beautiful cat to keep me company at home, who happily listens to my rants provided I feed her enough treats.

Not sure if any of this helps the original author of this post, but in my opinion if 'blending in' works for you & makes you happy, why try to change it?

HungryCaterpillar said:

The best comparison I’ve got is that in the process of looking for work, I’m making a point not to reveal my autistic status, whereas I’m ticking all the boxes on the equity application forms as ‘gay’ without a second thought.

Having an ironic sense of humour, I'm reminded of the music hall monologue "My Mother Doesn't Know I'm On the Stage" from the 1920s, when it seemed the worst thing you could admit to was being an actor.  (Landlords often displayed notices stating, "NO ACTORS".)  My favourite lines - concerning theatrical face-powder - are:

"Sometimes she sees the powder on my clothing
And then it's such a nuisance to explain
If she thought that it was powder she'd go crazy
Of course, I have to tell her it's cocaine."

A quick Google will bring up the full lyric or a recorded performance of the monologue.

There's a double irony at work here because "blending in" or "mimicking" and passing for neurotypical, heterosexual, white - or whatever - is of course simply acting in real life...

HungryCaterpillar said:

As a gay man, I'm fortunate enough to have that to draw parrallels to - insomuch that I know from experience how important it is to somehow integrate the diagnosis as part of my personality, rather than waste years battling against it. Just what that entails though is anyone's guess.

Hi Evan

I'm also gay and diagnosed (six months ago) with Asperger's.  I too find many parallels between these two aspects of my personality; indeed my "coming out" as an Aspie recalled situations in the early 1980s when I came out as gay.  I believe that Asperger's is generally regarded now in much the same way as being "homosexual" (I use that word deliberately) was around 60 or more years ago.  I wasn't around then but have older friends who were - and I've read books on "sexual deviancy" from that period.

Also very similar are the reactions of others, as you detailed in another thread.  When I came out as gay, the responses included:

• "You've chosen a long, hard road!"
• "You just need to find the right girl for you." 
• "Maybe it's time for you to re-think this gay thing."
• "It's just a phase."
• "I knew you were depressed, but I never guessed you were homosexual!"

When I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I was surprised to find that - according to Stonewall - there are no specific groups or resources for gay or *** Aspies.  With hindsight, I feel that I faced a dual challenge, particularly as a teenager in the 1970s, when there was no support whatever for either divergency. Indeed, homophobia was far more rampant today - and even encouraged by the law.

When I belatedly realised I was gay at 21 (coincidentally or not, the age of consent for me at that time), I was unable to make gay friends in the usual way of pubbing and clubbing due to what - I now know - were Asperger problems with social interaction and sensory overload, not mere "shyness" which was assumed at the time.  Although there were more gay social groups then than now, they tended to be rather cliquey and dominated by older people who had retired from the gay "scene".  This was long of course before the internet, which has enabled me to develop friendships with people whom I have more in common with than just being gay.  The downside is that they usually live so far away (and hate travelling as much as I do) that I'll probably never meet them!

P.S. I also get the well-meaning but ignorant "we're all on the spectrum" response to coming out as Aspie.  Interesting that (in my experience) people never invoke the sexual orientation spectrum - or "Kinsey scale" - when I come out as gay!