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Blending in (mimicking)

ToeJam

I received my diagnosis late in life (last year, 40 now) and I guess one of the 'skills' I developed prior to knowing I had ASD was to blend through trial and error/past experience. Before I say anything, I filter thoughts very quickly to determine appropriateness/potential to insult/contentiousness.

When it works I don't think anyone would know I have any social difficulties... but when it doesn't, I berate myself to the point of self hate... not particularly because I upset someone as such... but because I got it wrong and concern over any (self percieved) long term consequences it might have with that particular person/group.

My support worker (Autism trained) has been telling me that I worry too much and try to hard... that I should stop blending and just be me... but that's essentially telling me to disregard 39 years of behaviour (that for the most part works) and potentially go full Aspie (I hope me saying that doesn't offend anyone). 

I can still remember what social situations were like (in my teens and early 20's) when I hadn't gotten good at mimicking... and it wasn't pleasant (sometimes resulted in physical/verbal abuse).

So, I'm curious if anyone can relate to this or has any tips with respect to accepting their Aspergers and being content with who they are. Still coming to terms with the diagnosis (was a surprise when I first was informed of the pyschiatrists suspicions that it was).

Thanks for your time.

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  • HungryCaterpillar said:

    As a gay man, I'm fortunate enough to have that to draw parrallels to - insomuch that I know from experience how important it is to somehow integrate the diagnosis as part of my personality, rather than waste years battling against it. Just what that entails though is anyone's guess.

    Hi Evan

    I'm also gay and diagnosed (six months ago) with Asperger's.  I too find many parallels between these two aspects of my personality; indeed my "coming out" as an Aspie recalled situations in the early 1980s when I came out as gay.  I believe that Asperger's is generally regarded now in much the same way as being "homosexual" (I use that word deliberately) was around 60 or more years ago.  I wasn't around then but have older friends who were - and I've read books on "sexual deviancy" from that period.

    Also very similar are the reactions of others, as you detailed in another thread.  When I came out as gay, the responses included:

    • "You've chosen a long, hard road!"
    • "You just need to find the right girl for you." 
    • "Maybe it's time for you to re-think this gay thing."
    • "It's just a phase."
    • "I knew you were depressed, but I never guessed you were homosexual!"
    But, to return the subject of this thread, the key similarity is of course that being gay and Aspie are (or can be) "invisible", especially if one chooses to mimic heterosexual and neurotypical behaviour.  There's also a parallel with the once-common racial concept of "passing for white" that was the subject of several liberal Hollywood films in the 1930s-50s such as Pinky and Imitation of Life.

    When I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I was surprised to find that - according to Stonewall - there are no specific groups or resources for gay or *** Aspies.  With hindsight, I feel that I faced a dual challenge, particularly as a teenager in the 1970s, when there was no support whatever for either divergency. Indeed, homophobia was far more rampant today - and even encouraged by the law.

    When I belatedly realised I was gay at 21 (coincidentally or not, the age of consent for me at that time), I was unable to make gay friends in the usual way of pubbing and clubbing due to what - I now know - were Asperger problems with social interaction and sensory overload, not mere "shyness" which was assumed at the time.  Although there were more gay social groups then than now, they tended to be rather cliquey and dominated by older people who had retired from the gay "scene".  This was long of course before the internet, which has enabled me to develop friendships with people whom I have more in common with than just being gay.  The downside is that they usually live so far away (and hate travelling as much as I do) that I'll probably never meet them!

    P.S. I also get the well-meaning but ignorant "we're all on the spectrum" response to coming out as Aspie.  Interesting that (in my experience) people never invoke the sexual orientation spectrum - or "Kinsey scale" - when I come out as gay!

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  • HungryCaterpillar said:

    As a gay man, I'm fortunate enough to have that to draw parrallels to - insomuch that I know from experience how important it is to somehow integrate the diagnosis as part of my personality, rather than waste years battling against it. Just what that entails though is anyone's guess.

    Hi Evan

    I'm also gay and diagnosed (six months ago) with Asperger's.  I too find many parallels between these two aspects of my personality; indeed my "coming out" as an Aspie recalled situations in the early 1980s when I came out as gay.  I believe that Asperger's is generally regarded now in much the same way as being "homosexual" (I use that word deliberately) was around 60 or more years ago.  I wasn't around then but have older friends who were - and I've read books on "sexual deviancy" from that period.

    Also very similar are the reactions of others, as you detailed in another thread.  When I came out as gay, the responses included:

    • "You've chosen a long, hard road!"
    • "You just need to find the right girl for you." 
    • "Maybe it's time for you to re-think this gay thing."
    • "It's just a phase."
    • "I knew you were depressed, but I never guessed you were homosexual!"
    But, to return the subject of this thread, the key similarity is of course that being gay and Aspie are (or can be) "invisible", especially if one chooses to mimic heterosexual and neurotypical behaviour.  There's also a parallel with the once-common racial concept of "passing for white" that was the subject of several liberal Hollywood films in the 1930s-50s such as Pinky and Imitation of Life.

    When I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I was surprised to find that - according to Stonewall - there are no specific groups or resources for gay or *** Aspies.  With hindsight, I feel that I faced a dual challenge, particularly as a teenager in the 1970s, when there was no support whatever for either divergency. Indeed, homophobia was far more rampant today - and even encouraged by the law.

    When I belatedly realised I was gay at 21 (coincidentally or not, the age of consent for me at that time), I was unable to make gay friends in the usual way of pubbing and clubbing due to what - I now know - were Asperger problems with social interaction and sensory overload, not mere "shyness" which was assumed at the time.  Although there were more gay social groups then than now, they tended to be rather cliquey and dominated by older people who had retired from the gay "scene".  This was long of course before the internet, which has enabled me to develop friendships with people whom I have more in common with than just being gay.  The downside is that they usually live so far away (and hate travelling as much as I do) that I'll probably never meet them!

    P.S. I also get the well-meaning but ignorant "we're all on the spectrum" response to coming out as Aspie.  Interesting that (in my experience) people never invoke the sexual orientation spectrum - or "Kinsey scale" - when I come out as gay!

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