Blending in (mimicking)

I received my diagnosis about a month ago at age 55, which wasn't so much a surprise, more just one of the many potential explanations why I have always felt 'different'.

I was always very badly bullied at school & once I finally escaped that nightmare, I became very conscious of deliberately changing myself to fit in with groups of people that I had decided to associate myself with. Since I generally avoid people whose views conflict with my own basic moral codes, it doesn't require any major personality alterations, usually just tweaking of verbal & behavioural patterns.

Usually I just tend to alter my speech patterns to better fit in that environment, then observe what makes them laugh & retrieve appropriate personal anecdotes. If the association is longer term, I will also actively acquire new interests in order to better bond with the person/group. The effect isn't just external though, as I find different people change the way I feel about myself, i.e. some masks are much more comfortable than others.

I can generally read body language or subtle verbal cues fairly easily, but to me it feels more like pattern matching/analysis, as frequently my inner voice will provide 'Alerts' when it spots anything that requires action.

One of my problems though is that I have always had a very fragmented sense of self, with what feels like multiple 'Inner Critics' constantly commenting on every little mistake I make, or reminding me of those I have made in the past. When I am around other people though, the inner negative critical voices are generally silent, so perhaps paradoxically for people on the spectrum, I prefer social situations to being on my own.

Whenever I have discussed with friends, therapists etc, I have also received the advice to 'Just be myself', but I'm honestly not even sure what that means.

I've spent all of my adult life in working in Computer Programming which has significantly altered my mental landscape to the extent that my consciousness feels like constantly running adaptive parallel processes. The masks I wear to fit in are essentially just 'Avatars' & until someone invents artificial telepathy, it isn't possible for me to communicate without one. Even if I chose to try & wear the same mask all the time, that wouldn't be 'The Real Me' either, just one arbitrary version.

At this stage in my life, I don't want/need close personal relationships any more (i.e. partners) as they are too much hard work & in my opinion/experience any potential benefit is vastly outweighed by the negative fallout if things go wrong. I do try to cultivate a good circle of close friends though, & I have a beautiful cat to keep me company at home, who happily listens to my rants provided I feed her enough treats.

Not sure if any of this helps the original author of this post, but in my opinion if 'blending in' works for you & makes you happy, why try to change it?

I received my diagnosis about a month ago at age 55, which wasn't so much a surprise, more just one of the many potential explanations why I have always felt 'different'.

I was always very badly bullied at school & once I finally escaped that nightmare, I became very conscious of deliberately changing myself to fit in with groups of people that I had decided to associate myself with. Since I generally avoid people whose views conflict with my own basic moral codes, it doesn't require any major personality alterations, usually just tweaking of verbal & behavioural patterns.

Usually I just tend to alter my speech patterns to better fit in that environment, then observe what makes them laugh & retrieve appropriate personal anecdotes. If the association is longer term, I will also actively acquire new interests in order to better bond with the person/group. The effect isn't just external though, as I find different people change the way I feel about myself, i.e. some masks are much more comfortable than others.

I can generally read body language or subtle verbal cues fairly easily, but to me it feels more like pattern matching/analysis, as frequently my inner voice will provide 'Alerts' when it spots anything that requires action.

One of my problems though is that I have always had a very fragmented sense of self, with what feels like multiple 'Inner Critics' constantly commenting on every little mistake I make, or reminding me of those I have made in the past. When I am around other people though, the inner negative critical voices are generally silent, so perhaps paradoxically for people on the spectrum, I prefer social situations to being on my own.

Whenever I have discussed with friends, therapists etc, I have also received the advice to 'Just be myself', but I'm honestly not even sure what that means.

I've spent all of my adult life in working in Computer Programming which has significantly altered my mental landscape to the extent that my consciousness feels like constantly running adaptive parallel processes. The masks I wear to fit in are essentially just 'Avatars' & until someone invents artificial telepathy, it isn't possible for me to communicate without one. Even if I chose to try & wear the same mask all the time, that wouldn't be 'The Real Me' either, just one arbitrary version.

At this stage in my life, I don't want/need close personal relationships any more (i.e. partners) as they are too much hard work & in my opinion/experience any potential benefit is vastly outweighed by the negative fallout if things go wrong. I do try to cultivate a good circle of close friends though, & I have a beautiful cat to keep me company at home, who happily listens to my rants provided I feed her enough treats.

Not sure if any of this helps the original author of this post, but in my opinion if 'blending in' works for you & makes you happy, why try to change it?