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Blending in (mimicking)

ToeJam

I received my diagnosis late in life (last year, 40 now) and I guess one of the 'skills' I developed prior to knowing I had ASD was to blend through trial and error/past experience. Before I say anything, I filter thoughts very quickly to determine appropriateness/potential to insult/contentiousness.

When it works I don't think anyone would know I have any social difficulties... but when it doesn't, I berate myself to the point of self hate... not particularly because I upset someone as such... but because I got it wrong and concern over any (self percieved) long term consequences it might have with that particular person/group.

My support worker (Autism trained) has been telling me that I worry too much and try to hard... that I should stop blending and just be me... but that's essentially telling me to disregard 39 years of behaviour (that for the most part works) and potentially go full Aspie (I hope me saying that doesn't offend anyone). 

I can still remember what social situations were like (in my teens and early 20's) when I hadn't gotten good at mimicking... and it wasn't pleasant (sometimes resulted in physical/verbal abuse).

So, I'm curious if anyone can relate to this or has any tips with respect to accepting their Aspergers and being content with who they are. Still coming to terms with the diagnosis (was a surprise when I first was informed of the pyschiatrists suspicions that it was).

Thanks for your time.

Parents

  • Not sure what to suggest, obviously I've had quite a few blunders myself in the past, some of which have been quite spectacular. Usually I just try to distance myself from them & move on, which in one case (many years ago) was quite literal, as I changed jobs & moved to a different city. Hopefully your blunders won't require relocation, but try not to take mistakes so seriously. People worth knowing will usually ignore them & those that won't are probably best avoided anyway. Rather than my previous 'Avatar' analogy, why not make a game of it & think of social occasions as being like the kids TV show 'Mr Benn'. I find that wearing different clothes really does change the way I feel anyway & it's fun.

    One thing I have always found is that allegedly 'Normal People' are uncomfortable when you try to change your personality/appearance & the example I always use is when men decide to grow a beard. People just accept that is the way you look if they didn't know you before the beard, but anyone who tries to grow one from scratch (they are itchy to begin with) has to put with endless abuse, which in many cases just makes them cave in to peer pressure & give up. What this usually means though is that once you have established a persona in a given context, it is quite difficult to change, so choose wisely.

    Incidentally, I've had a beard for thirty years now but used to keep it short until around a year ago. Now I have a long white beard & regularly get called 'Santa' in the street which always makes me laugh.

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  • Not sure what to suggest, obviously I've had quite a few blunders myself in the past, some of which have been quite spectacular. Usually I just try to distance myself from them & move on, which in one case (many years ago) was quite literal, as I changed jobs & moved to a different city. Hopefully your blunders won't require relocation, but try not to take mistakes so seriously. People worth knowing will usually ignore them & those that won't are probably best avoided anyway. Rather than my previous 'Avatar' analogy, why not make a game of it & think of social occasions as being like the kids TV show 'Mr Benn'. I find that wearing different clothes really does change the way I feel anyway & it's fun.

    One thing I have always found is that allegedly 'Normal People' are uncomfortable when you try to change your personality/appearance & the example I always use is when men decide to grow a beard. People just accept that is the way you look if they didn't know you before the beard, but anyone who tries to grow one from scratch (they are itchy to begin with) has to put with endless abuse, which in many cases just makes them cave in to peer pressure & give up. What this usually means though is that once you have established a persona in a given context, it is quite difficult to change, so choose wisely.

    Incidentally, I've had a beard for thirty years now but used to keep it short until around a year ago. Now I have a long white beard & regularly get called 'Santa' in the street which always makes me laugh.

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