Why sm i so angry that i was diagnosed as an adult and not when i was younger

Hi there, also welcome.

I'm 46 and was only diagnosed this year, I've spent my entire life lost in hopeless depression as a result of feeling isolated and alone, only now am I starting to find strategies to cope.

A large reason for this was being fired from my career job for "gross misconduct" which felt so incredibly unfair and disproportionate. I couldn't resolve that feeling because it never made sense to me, I continually was asking myself WHY?.

Now though, that whole incident 16 years ago makes perfect sense when viewed through an Autistic filter. My actions made perfect autistic sense, it was the most effective choice in the situation.

I think having a diagnosis back then would have saved my job, and I would have a radically different life to what I have now. Maybe better.

I think it reasonable, like yourself, to see our misunderstood past, and all the anguish and unhappiness which could have been avoided as a result of a better society, with anger and frustration.

As I explained during my daughter's final meeting at her highschool before she left for homeschooling (as a result of school not being able to provide a safe and nurturing space for a neurodiverse person). I consider now, 2024 the same for the NeuroD as it was for Gays during the 1980s - although technically it was against the law to discriminate, society, underpinned by a discriminatory culture, allowed gay people to be degraded.

How could a 1980s school control homophobia when Del Boy on Only Fools and Horses was making jokes about "poofters" the night before?

So sadly, I think we are the martyrs who have to have childhoods badly effected by ignorance so society can move on.

I honestly think it is moving on - keep strong sister  

I should add that therapy is often recommended after a diagnosis (it might be listed as a suggested action for your GP in your report, as it was in mine), and could be useful in respect of processing your feelings.

You might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful, myself included:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

In my case, based on the book and my past experience with CBT (which didn't work for me), I'm currently having post-diagnosis counselling with a neurodivergent counsellor.

I can relate. I'm just a few years older than you and was diagnosed at the end of last year. I've been feeling pretty frustrated that it wasn't picked up earlier ever since. I do think my mental health would've been a lot better if I hadn't been misdiagnosed for so long, and therefore having incorrect treatments. I defiantly get stuck on 'what ifs' and think about how life could've been better if I'd have known sooner and was able to get the help and accommodations I needed.

We've been talking about radical acceptance in therapy recently and using this skill to accept what has happened and move forwards. I'm currently working on this but not quite there yet

I'm trying to concentrate on the fact that I know now and so can put things in place that will actually help moving forwards. Also to focus on the relief of knowing why I have the difficulties I do and for them to finally be acknowledged.

Hi! Welcome to the community and congratulations on your diagnosis!

What you've described is very common, especially among us late-diagnosed autistic adults.

I felt the same at the outset (including the relief you mentioned) - and my experience has been that these stages aren't necessarily rigidly structured. I'm just over one year on from my diagnosis and I still feel lots of different emotions about it at different times, still including some backward-looking anger, frustration, and grief.

Even just this morning, I remembered another situation from my past, about which I now feel freshly frustrated and embarrassed. More recently, though, the balance has shifted towards more forward-looking thoughts. But it's still a journey. 

You might find this related NAS article helpful:

NAS - How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis

There's a whole bunch of other very useful information, too, covering the After diagnosis stage of our journeys, including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

NAS - After diagnosis

xx when i was first diagnosed i felt relieved but then angry all at once, im struggling to make friends and go out for coffee with people that want to spend time with me, im in allot of pain all the time and i just feel if i was diagnosed 10 years ago i would be a different person but io guess all these years of masking didnt help either  

I felt relieved, so many things just fell into place, I couldn't have been diagnosed in childhood as Autism wasn't recognised and even then was thought to be very rare and it only happened to boys, something I think that still plagues women today.

I have fibromyalgia too.