Diagnosis has made things worse

If you're able to attend the events themselves, that's impressive already. I think that the anxiety of trying to out-do an extrovert in terms of talking is not the right motive for trying to socialize with others. I mean extroverts can gain a crowd, because they get energized by socializing with others, whereas introverts recharge by having personal space to themselves. You might excel more if you just chat with someone one-on-one, and just ask open ended questions and allow them to answer, because people enjoy being listened to.

Socializing isn't just being the center of attention and having a crowd of people soaking up your every word, like an extrovert would, it can be a much smaller and simpler one-on-one interaction with another person. Try to keep the socialization simple so that it will be less overwhelming for you. Social skills is a skill, and people can get better at skills over time.  

Anxiety could be caused by a variety of factors, such as past trauma, chemical imbalances, gut issues, etc., or a combination of those things and more, so maybe therapy, prescriptions, a dietary change, etc., might serve as a few beneficial changes. 

I am in my 70s and at some point I just got so tired of trying to be like others I let go and embraced and discovered who I really was, aside from what others thought I should be doing/saying/thinking/etc. I had a much easier time of adjusting after that and finding what really attracted me as opposed to what I felt I needed to want to be attracted to in order to fit in.

SO - job one - find the path to self acceptance.

sounds trite? - It is a life's journey. This so for everyone. The sooner we get around to it the easier it will be for us.

Loneliness doesn't have to be a rut where we always end up back at.

There are ways to participate in the things we love without being crippled by social anxiety:

First hurdle,

"they will think I am different and weird and shun me." This is the highest of the hurdles and when you straddle it you will find most people are actually very accommodating and understanding, even if they are a bit clueless and full of preconceptions. here you can consider yourself an emissary, come forth to set them all straight by simply being an example of self love and acceptance, by living openly your truth as your discover it. You are, at your best, an authentically, awesome autistic person willing to play with the others and yet no letting go of what makes you awesome, and authentically so, even if you are different.

Being understood is something that we would like but the truth is no one really understands anyone else fully. Be honest and authentic within yourself and in your outer expression. You will gain the confidence you need.

So first trust and enjoy being alone with yourself and stop envying what others have. You are unique and awesome just as you are.

So, Think what is the main things you like about the sport you want to play and focus on that, in your mind, practice it your mind alone. Then, find one other person you trust to play it with for practice. Let them know right up front you are going to a bit socially awkward-own it. Without apologizing for being your self, say it up front, that it is a challenge you are working to understand. This shows the other person you are expressing self-love and acceptance and also that you are up for a challenge, same as anyone. They will reciprocate. If they don't keep looking for a practice partner.

second hurdle:

Persistence. full stop.

Thanks everyone for the advice, much appreciated! 

I notice a few comments about the ‘anxiety’ and thought I’d clarify exactly what I meant in my original post. I desperately want to fit in and make friends and have a relationship, but whenever I try to do pretty much any form of socialising, I end up just drifting into the background while the more extroverted people do all the talking. This causes my anxiety to build and I start putting pressure on myself to talk more, but I’m awful at making conversation so I end up just getting more and more stressed out until I can’t bear to stay in that situation anymore. It’s got to the point now where I just avoid those situations altogether so I don’t put myself through those feelings anymore.

I’ve seen advice on trying to go to places/do activities based on things that I’m already interested in so I am better at making conversation. But even this doesn’t seem to work as I have that same problem of just getting overshadowed by all the more talkative people - everyone makes friends with them and I’m left on my own again. It just seems like a cycle I’ll never be able to break now that I know my awkwardness in social situations is down to autism. 

It’s got to the point now where I almost get jealous when I see people having a laugh with friends because it feels like I’ll never be able to have that. Apologies if I sound too despondent, it’s just very hard to see how things will ever improve following this diagnosis. 

Hi Adam

Welcome to the late diagnosed adults club. It will take time to process and accept your diagnosis. I am over a year into my journey. I am in my early fifties and had all the feelings of regret and grief from missing out. Slowly I came to realise I at least had an answer to why things happened the way they did. That was the first small positive. I hope to be able to find more and more of these positives through time.

Hello Adam I've felt like you all my life , life has been a battle for me too, I'm 55 now and i've only just realized that i'm autistic, I've not been diagnosed yet but i relate to everyone so much on this site.  I am going to have to goto my Doctor and ask to be referred for assessment. I struggled in social situations all my life. I have a habit of drinking too much at parties to cope with my social anxiety and subsequently had alcohol and depression problems since i was about 17 years old. I have spent the last few days dwelling on the past thinking about all the lost opportunities that maybe i wouldn't of had if I had realized or had been diagnosed when i was much younger.  You are still young, now you know your autistic there is help out there for you and I'm sure your life will improve.  This is a great forum I've only been a member 3 days and I feel it is helping me already. Just try to look at the positives,  You have been diagnosed now, your life can only get better from here on. 

I was dxed in 2019 at the age of 62. It's resulted in a mixed set of emotions . The 'I knew I was right' emotion  The irreversible damage caused by not getting timely help and support -frustration, anger,and sadness. The self loathing of 'If only I had moved to be near my daughter earlier I'd have got the diagnosis earlier' . Ironically that was down to the very autistic  anxiety over change. It took a greater anxiety over another change that was going to occur to push me into agreeing to move near my daughter.  It's not always easy, but for sanity's sake I have to live as best I can with things as they are, rather than how they could/should've been with proper help and support.

I'm still trying to work out where I fit exactly on the spectrum. I struggle to identify with good job,own house, etc autistic types  but most definitely I'm not at the other end of the spectrum. 

Hi Adam,

Welcome!

I understand what you are feeling. As others have said, logically, this hasn't actually changed anything about you. You were always autistic. So this information can only arm you in the years ahead. I think you will come to terms with it.

Autism and anxiety are two different things. It is true that around half of all autistic people suffer from severe anxiety (I do, hence why I am still awake at 6am with my heart racing because I'm terrified my fire alarm might go off again for no reason). However, regardless of your autism, your anxiety is still treatable. There are a myriad of medications that you can try, aswell as various forms of therapy if you can bring yourself to talk to a professional. Lifestyle changes can also make a difference. Cutting out stimulants like tobacco, caffeine and chocolate can help, aswell as doing regular exercise (I like yoga as I can do it alone in my front room watching youtube.) I have also just decided tonight that I am going to start trying out various scents to help calm me such as lavender, ylang ylang and chamomile tea.

When there is something I really want to do, or have to do, I acknowledge that my anxiety is there, that it is merely a biological reaction to psychological fear, that it is not (usually) rational, I try to think of the worse possible outcome and ask myself whether or not it would actually make any difference to my daily life, and remind myself I should not let it control me. Sometimes it works and I can push through it. Sometimes it doesn't.

I hope you find a way that works for you, and don't give up hope. Autism can make certain things more difficult, but you always have choices on how you handle the hurdles. 

I try to deal with the anxiety using whatever technique suits the situation, and just carry on.

Other things other than Autism cause anxiety (Current events anyone ;) so collecting "tools" to deal with ones own anxiety is always a good idea. 

It's actually a survival thing, too. 

And once you are less "anxious" Autism isn't really such a big deal as it was.

But diagnosis was a HUGE DEAL for me, and has knocked me off my game for about three years, but I'm adapting to the reality that to accomplish some things I need willing servants.

"Service" is such a basic and well documented human transaction, that I was already engaging in pre-diagnosis (I do things for people, they do things for me, (and for gods sake, when you get somethng really working, DON'T MESS WITH IT!!)

The only real impact is that I need to ask NT people to do stuff that might appear "odd" to them. Meh.

Adam,

I am 51 years old and I was confirmed as having autism just last week, I know what you mean by saying its made everything worse, I was angry, sad and relieved all at the same time.

All my life i was severely depressed and always anxious, never had a social group, was never friends with anyone at work, I saw my work colleagues talking about going on holidays together and I never had that pleasure.

You are young still, at least you weren't like some of us in our 50's getting diagnosed, trust me, that is a whole lifetime of regrets, being diagnosed in one way is the best thing possible as strange it may sound, you know it's NOT you but it's still you but its the new you you are getting to understand.

As others have said to me, it will be tough going through all these emotions but never punish yourself for being autistic. 

I wish you well in your new life journey as I'm starting out on mines just now.

The only good way to deal with the diagnosis really is to do all you can to accept it and make peace with it. After all - not having a diagnosis would not take any of your difficulties away (they were there already) but at least with a diagnosis you can increase your understanding and work out good strategies to help you deal with the things you find difficult. Knowledge is a good thing. It takes time but it is possible to use the diagnosis to help you live a happier and more fulfilled life. 

At age 53 and having been diagnosed later in life in 2021, online towards the end of Covid lockdown, I can relate, as my life before my diagnosis and before my redundancy after 17 years in 2019, although relatively stable, seemed to be falling apart and without a post diagnostic assessment, which I feel is vital in assessing level of autism and appropriate supports required going forward - living alone in the U.K. and being separated from family in Ireland due to Irish Covid restrictions did not help either - your experience just shows how much pressure your generation are under too 

Having the diagnosis, I feel I "cut myself more slack". I've never been co-ordinated enough to do sports, and can't run due to physical disability. Socially, I now feel able to cope with a certain amount of being overwhelmed to experience the benefits of social time with friends, but I am not so hard on myself now about leaving when I have had enough. I also don't make excuses, just say I have to leave. It just depends what I'm able to compromise on at the time, in that specific situation.

Hello Adam

Welcome.  I think it is helpful to remember that your diagnosis has not changed anything (practically) for you.  Whatever your challenges were before, they remain so now.  Similarly, whatever your strengths were before, they remain so now too.  Accordingly, DON'T PANIC!

The practical realities of your life can still be changed.  How you think, and how you feel......perhaps, not so much!

Personally, I was pleased to be able to understand WHY I think and feel how I do.....and realise that there are others like me.  These things were the sole benefit of learning of my autism (and this remains the case for me now, some years on.)

I have been able to learn (predominantly from folk here) ways to better improve my life, in a practical sense........but, brother, does it take some time!

Try not to rush yourself.  I hope you will stick around and interact with your neurokin here for a while and then, perhaps, find some nuggets of use and joy whilst things settle down in your head.  Like I say, it does take time.

Wishing you "a not anxiety filled" evening.

Number.

Welcome, Adam, and congratulations on your diagnosis!

During the period following a diagnosis - and for late-diagnosed autistic adults in particular - it can be common to experience emotional dysregulation. This can include working through a phase where we experience (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving and more - as I've also been doing.

The NAS has a newly refreshed set of articles focused around diagnosis, including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months - you might find them of interest and/or helpful:

How you might feel after a diagnosis

Other advice covering post-diagnosis

Hi, welcome to the community, I relate a lot to what you described. I did, related when I was your age. Now I’m 36 and some time ago I stopped caring about doing things that others do, I also stopped caring so much about having friends. I’m not sure if it’s coping strategy or just me being exhausted of this world. I suffer me tally my whole life, only now I decided to take care of myself. I’m not professionally diagnosed, but I’m looking for a psychologist that would suit me (without gaslighting etc). It’s unfortunately very common experience in autistic community and yes, autism can not be treated because it’s not a decease. It’s hard, but I think the only thing we can do about it is get help with the symptoms that cause us most problems and accept ourselves the way we are. When I was younger I used to hate myself for being a loner and looser. Now the most problematic thing for me are sensory sensitivities and emotional regulation, I always had them but never concentrated on them before because I was preoccupied with the “no friends” issue. 
i hope here you find some understanding, validation and support. Maybe also some friends.