"If you don't like me, I don't like me"

I don't do drama, whether it's from people around me or soap operas, it's to overwhelming and tiring, it's such a waste of energy that could be spent doing so many other things. I really wonder about people who hang on to all this emotional stuff, cuddle it to themselves like a manky teddybear. I'm sure they must amplify all or any insults, actively hunting for for anything that can be twisted, I know that many autists do this too, except the ones we torture are ourselves, as a rules I don't think we save it all up and vomit over someone years later. I honestly don't think some people ever leave the playground, if you have left, then don't go back, don't get dragged back into that sort of hormonal insanity.

That's why You need to be Your own Best Friend.
Because at least You will have Yourself to draw strenght from.

You can only do so much for others, until you need to recharge. People should appreciate anything you do for them, and you should also appreciate what others do for you. I think that's only healthy. But I would not like it if someone starts treating me badly, because they expected me to do something for them that I don't have the energy to do.I mean, it's one thing to do nice things for others, it's another thing to be forced into doing something because that's what's expected of you. Do they want an actual human being that loves them, or an emotionless robot that serves them?

The making of the bed and lying in it, confuses me too. Sleeping in a comfy made bed, should not be a consequence of some sort.

Thanks for your reply.

I think things have gone further than a repair job unfortunately. It’s a tough decision ahead and like you pointed out it’s probably doing the children more harm us being together, that makes me quite sad. As for finances I don’t really care as long as I can get by, I dont need to socialise much and I’m quite happy being by myself with a bar of chocolate in front of the tv. 
Maybe I have tried to please too much and perhaps over do things which have then caused people to raise their expectations of me somewhat, then when I’m too exhausted to go all out as usual they see that as me letting them down. 

Almost like you made your bed now lie in it, which actually doesn’t make sense because why would you want to lie down in a made bed?? 

I tried to reconnect with a friend through a game that we coincidentally played together. I just thought we'd catch up on life. Nope. They were angry at me about something. I wasn't prepared for that much drama. I mean sure, in high school there's a lot of drama, but that was a basket of crazy that I didn't expect to open. I just decided to end the friendship with them, and hope that they'll just find other friends who can tolerate their level of crazy. I'm sure some people will love that. 

I have to say that I remember my mother constantly talking down and berating my father, and that has an impact on us children, and how we ended up treating people later on in life. 

When a spouse constantly berates their partner, that has always confused me. I mean, they chose to marry because they love each other, so how could they treat someone they love so badly? And then choose to have kids together with them too? Why did they want innocent children to see them yelling and berating their partner like that? Weird. Just absolutely weird behavior. 

Hopefully you and your wife can sort something out, so that she isn't working so many hours, and that the finances will still be alright. 

Please let me know when you manage that. 
people pleasing (fawning) and masking are something that has gone on for far too long with me. 

Gosh, I’m really sorry to hear of both of your stories.

I suffer verbal abuse pretty much daily. Everything about my life looks great on the surface but they reality is far from. 
Im in a 27yr relationship, 2 children one of which we recently found out is autistic. I too believe I am autistic as well. My wife has a very good job, I am self employed and generally sort the kids out as my wife works long hours. I somehow find time to renovate our own house as well. 
I get treated and spoken to terribly which really has turned me into an empty shell. One day I hope to be free but my children come first and I need to be here for them. 

Where did it all go wrong?? 

I agree with Hullabaloo. "You need to move on", is code for I'm fed up of your pain and hurt and can't be bothered with you anymore. But I do agree that people need to find ways of dealing with stuff and people.

For myself, I'm learning to love without attachment, its not easy, it's not about forgiveness or any of that stuff. But with people who've not hurt me, I avoid those who have, I try and not have expectations, but to give my friendship without the expectation of something in return, that does not mean I'm a doormat though. I've recently not contacted a previous friend because of her rudeness towards me, I wasn't expecting a medal, just politeness, I do not need that sort of person in my life and I will not dance to her tune. It's an odd mix of being open and having boundaries and recognising that my intentions were good, and their response was not.

I'm not saying I can' tbe hurt, I have many tender spots, but I've done the best I can to not get hurt anymore, either physically or emotionally, I find it much easier to fight off physical attacks than emotional ones and I can give as good as I get verbally, even when I have to go around quoting Granny Weatherwax to myself, 'theres plenty of dangerous things out there and I'm one of them!'

I grew up with abuse, and that quote resonates with me. When someone you highly value, gets angry and hurts you, berates you, dislikes you, discourages you, and/or embarrasses you, it is almost impossible to like yourself, especially if you grew up with it and experienced it for years. I used to avoid looking at mirrors, because I'd used to just see the abuse within me. 

And I vehemently dislike the words "you need to move on." You need time to process your pain, to recover from it, and what to do to safeguard yourself from abuse, and there's so much to more to it. You need to build yourself up, you need to find out what triggers you so that you can be more aware of not invoking those negative rabbit holes when it's unwarranted, you need to learn what you've been negatively conditioned to falsely believe about yourself and/or others. And there's just so much to it. 

I still enjoy helping people though, and I still have people-pleasing tendencies, but I've just learned to be more selective about it. I rationed, I could spend my time helping a person who hurts me, or I could spend my time helping a charity, and/or those who would appreciate it. Just yesterday after work, I spent a few hours teaching someone a new skill, even buying a starter kit for them so that they can practice on their own and get better at it. And then I gave another person a gift card, since they helped drive me home a few times before, and I just wanted to show them that I appreciated it. 

And for those who had hurt me? They get nothing. I cut them out of my life. Those who take and never give anything back except for pain and suffering, and all kinds of other negative things, I don't want their curses, they can keep it. Even for those friends who would feel jealous or berate me for any skill that I have that was valuable, they can find other friends who would take their curses, but I don't want them. I'd much rather spend my time helping those who help others, rather than those who only take from others and never give anything except for negativeity in return.

I really hope that you overcome your adversities and challenges in life, so that you can help those that need your skills, knowledge, and generosity, not those who will hurt you and take all that you have. I hope you develop to have some assertive skills, the ability to say no, to stand up for yourself when that's needed, to have some boundaries with certain people, and to safeguard yourself from people who don't have your best interests in mind. I wish the best for you. 

EmsaStrange said:

Go out of my way to be the "perfect friend" so they don't see me as boring.

This does however mean you are being untruthful to your nature - inauthentic and this will make you seem "off" to them.

I find it best to be who I feel I really am and if the friend does not like me then they are not a true friend.

I tend to keep the people pleasing to strictly professional capacities now (some of my posts here may be related to this aspect) but I've certainly suffered from it in the past. It is such as load on your shoulders to maintain though.

I did used to be like "I must make this person laugh otherwise they'll think I'm boring" but inevitably that causes some issues too! Now I'm a bit better at knowing my audience, and I just let myself go with the flow.

It's difficult with picking up on things that might not be mutual, especially as we can't exactly transcend autism! But in an ideal world I'd be able to be more honest in the future. It might be uncomfortable but better safe than sorry. 

I get a "social version" of it too. Go out of my way to be the "perfect friend" so they don't see me as boring. Being boring is my biggest fear - definitely got to unpack that one in therapy, haha. 

Same here, I've caused a lot of fallouts in the past, isolated myself, and been there to support people who were not there for me. Still struggle with people-pleasing socially, but now I kind of live by "if you don't like me, the right person will." :-) 

That's interesting because my people pleasing has always been more personal/social (e.g. I want them to see me as a likeable person who's worth hanging out with) than work/education but there's still been an element of "am I good enough" with that.

I've definitely put myself in unhealthy situations through trying to stay in someone's good books, when it was probably never really worth it. 

My extent of people pleasing is "I will make them happy no matter the cost."

No matter what it takes, even if it ends up with negative consequences for me, I will seek to make someone happy or make them like me. It's often been the case at work where I'll take on more jobs and deadlines than I can cope with, with no additional reward. 

I think it's also a thing of perfectionism for me. If it's not perfect, then it's not right. 

Heck, I even damaged my eyesight through studying at college - optician told me I should probably ease off the home studying for a while. Just wanted those good grades to keep everyone happy, haha.

For me, it's an "observing society" sorta thing. I've learnt that people who work hard, make other people happy, are liked. Trying to unlearn this and stop masking this way is something I'm still learning to do. 

In my case I didn't have a job at the time (just as well really), but my LinkedIn page spiked in views. I just got rid of it.

Nor was it something I had posted, but was made public when it wasn't initially. I tend to not get into online squabbles. 

HMO said:

It's one thing someone being offended and pulling you up on it, and calling you out. It's another thing someone being offended and trying to get you sacked from your job (or something). 

The take away lesson from this is to never, ever post something that has the potential for an employer to have cause to sack you over.

Stick with this and you will be fine - just the odd online squabble.

Hopefully that doesn't happen, though I've seen things kick off enough times on here.

It's like social media has taught us that the best way to survive is to just be quiet. I know that I wouldn't have ended up in that mess if I had just shut up.

It's one thing someone being offended and pulling you up on it, and calling you out. It's another thing someone being offended and trying to get you sacked from your job (or something). 

Iain said:

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I upset someone enough on here with my blunt advice that they would try to have me "cancelled".

This actually happened to me in my first few  weeks on this website.

I wouldn’t worry though Iain: the quality and helpfulness of your posts is exceptional.

HMO said:

There's absolutely nothing stopping an angry person on the internet from setting fire to my life (again)

This is a very real threat in this day and age.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I upset someone enough on here with my blunt advice that they would try to have me "cancelled".

You will always offend someone at some stage - the key is to believe what you talked about, be able to back it up and stand your ground if it is merited. If you were wrong then admit it, apologise and move on, learning from the lesson.

Living in fear it like not living at all - been there, done that and it isn't worth the cost.