Published on 12, July, 2020
A direct quote from Robbie Williams within an interview he did a year or so ago.
I'd be surprised if this is an uncommon experience on here. The extent of my people-pleasing is that the thought of hurting someone, even unintentionally, is horrendous. When it actually happens, it's even worse.
It's the thing of "are they going to be so angry with me that they'll try to hurt me?", and when that has been proven to be true, it's hard to not believe that. When you have also turned the entire world against you like I have, you're pretty much stuck with that feeling. The "you need to move on" advice becomes even more unhelpful.
I grew up with abuse, and that quote resonates with me. When someone you highly value, gets angry and hurts you, berates you, dislikes you, discourages you, and/or embarrasses you, it is almost impossible to like yourself, especially if you grew up with it and experienced it for years. I used to avoid looking at mirrors, because I'd used to just see the abuse within me.
And I vehemently dislike the words "you need to move on." You need time to process your pain, to recover from it, and what to do to safeguard yourself from abuse, and there's so much to more to it. You need to build yourself up, you need to find out what triggers you so that you can be more aware of not invoking those negative rabbit holes when it's unwarranted, you need to learn what you've been negatively conditioned to falsely believe about yourself and/or others. And there's just so much to it.
I still enjoy helping people though, and I still have people-pleasing tendencies, but I've just learned to be more selective about it. I rationed, I could spend my time helping a person who hurts me, or I could spend my time helping a charity, and/or those who would appreciate it. Just yesterday after work, I spent a few hours teaching someone a new skill, even buying a starter kit for them so that they can practice on their own and get better at it. And then I gave another person a gift card, since they helped drive me home a few times before, and I just wanted to show them that I appreciated it.
And for those who had hurt me? They get nothing. I cut them out of my life. Those who take and never give anything back except for pain and suffering, and all kinds of other negative things, I don't want their curses, they can keep it. Even for those friends who would feel jealous or berate me for any skill that I have that was valuable, they can find other friends who would take their curses, but I don't want them. I'd much rather spend my time helping those who help others, rather than those who only take from others and never give anything except for negativeity in return.
I really hope that you overcome your adversities and challenges in life, so that you can help those that need your skills, knowledge, and generosity, not those who will hurt you and take all that you have. I hope you develop to have some assertive skills, the ability to say no, to stand up for yourself when that's needed, to have some boundaries with certain people, and to safeguard yourself from people who don't have your best interests in mind. I wish the best for you.
I agree with Hullabaloo. "You need to move on", is code for I'm fed up of your pain and hurt and can't be bothered with you anymore. But I do agree that people need to find ways of dealing with stuff and people.
For myself, I'm learning to love without attachment, its not easy, it's not about forgiveness or any of that stuff. But with people who've not hurt me, I avoid those who have, I try and not have expectations, but to give my friendship without the expectation of something in return, that does not mean I'm a doormat though. I've recently not contacted a previous friend because of her rudeness towards me, I wasn't expecting a medal, just politeness, I do not need that sort of person in my life and I will not dance to her tune. It's an odd mix of being open and having boundaries and recognising that my intentions were good, and their response was not.
I'm not saying I can' tbe hurt, I have many tender spots, but I've done the best I can to not get hurt anymore, either physically or emotionally, I find it much easier to fight off physical attacks than emotional ones and I can give as good as I get verbally, even when I have to go around quoting Granny Weatherwax to myself, 'theres plenty of dangerous things out there and I'm one of them!'
I tried to reconnect with a friend through a game that we coincidentally played together. I just thought we'd catch up on life. Nope. They were angry at me about something. I wasn't prepared for that much drama. I mean sure, in high school there's a lot of drama, but that was a basket of crazy that I didn't expect to open. I just decided to end the friendship with them, and hope that they'll just find other friends who can tolerate their level of crazy. I'm sure some people will love that.
I don't do drama, whether it's from people around me or soap operas, it's to overwhelming and tiring, it's such a waste of energy that could be spent doing so many other things. I really wonder about people who hang on to all this emotional stuff, cuddle it to themselves like a manky teddybear. I'm sure they must amplify all or any insults, actively hunting for for anything that can be twisted, I know that many autists do this too, except the ones we torture are ourselves, as a rules I don't think we save it all up and vomit over someone years later. I honestly don't think some people ever leave the playground, if you have left, then don't go back, don't get dragged back into that sort of hormonal insanity.