Published on 12, July, 2020
A direct quote from Robbie Williams within an interview he did a year or so ago.
I'd be surprised if this is an uncommon experience on here. The extent of my people-pleasing is that the thought of hurting someone, even unintentionally, is horrendous. When it actually happens, it's even worse.
It's the thing of "are they going to be so angry with me that they'll try to hurt me?", and when that has been proven to be true, it's hard to not believe that. When you have also turned the entire world against you like I have, you're pretty much stuck with that feeling. The "you need to move on" advice becomes even more unhelpful.
My extent of people pleasing is "I will make them happy no matter the cost."
No matter what it takes, even if it ends up with negative consequences for me, I will seek to make someone happy or make them like me. It's often been the case at work where I'll take on more jobs and deadlines than I can cope with, with no additional reward.
I think it's also a thing of perfectionism for me. If it's not perfect, then it's not right.
Heck, I even damaged my eyesight through studying at college - optician told me I should probably ease off the home studying for a while. Just wanted those good grades to keep everyone happy, haha.
For me, it's an "observing society" sorta thing. I've learnt that people who work hard, make other people happy, are liked. Trying to unlearn this and stop masking this way is something I'm still learning to do.
That's interesting because my people pleasing has always been more personal/social (e.g. I want them to see me as a likeable person who's worth hanging out with) than work/education but there's still been an element of "am I good enough" with that.
I've definitely put myself in unhealthy situations through trying to stay in someone's good books, when it was probably never really worth it.
I get a "social version" of it too. Go out of my way to be the "perfect friend" so they don't see me as boring. Being boring is my biggest fear - definitely got to unpack that one in therapy, haha.
Same here, I've caused a lot of fallouts in the past, isolated myself, and been there to support people who were not there for me. Still struggle with people-pleasing socially, but now I kind of live by "if you don't like me, the right person will." :-)
EmsaStrange said:Go out of my way to be the "perfect friend" so they don't see me as boring.
This does however mean you are being untruthful to your nature - inauthentic and this will make you seem "off" to them.
I find it best to be who I feel I really am and if the friend does not like me then they are not a true friend.
I tend to keep the people pleasing to strictly professional capacities now (some of my posts here may be related to this aspect) but I've certainly suffered from it in the past. It is such as load on your shoulders to maintain though.