Published on 12, July, 2020
A direct quote from Robbie Williams within an interview he did a year or so ago.
I'd be surprised if this is an uncommon experience on here. The extent of my people-pleasing is that the thought of hurting someone, even unintentionally, is horrendous. When it actually happens, it's even worse.
It's the thing of "are they going to be so angry with me that they'll try to hurt me?", and when that has been proven to be true, it's hard to not believe that. When you have also turned the entire world against you like I have, you're pretty much stuck with that feeling. The "you need to move on" advice becomes even more unhelpful.
I grew up with abuse, and that quote resonates with me. When someone you highly value, gets angry and hurts you, berates you, dislikes you, discourages you, and/or embarrasses you, it is almost impossible to like yourself, especially if you grew up with it and experienced it for years. I used to avoid looking at mirrors, because I'd used to just see the abuse within me.
And I vehemently dislike the words "you need to move on." You need time to process your pain, to recover from it, and what to do to safeguard yourself from abuse, and there's so much to more to it. You need to build yourself up, you need to find out what triggers you so that you can be more aware of not invoking those negative rabbit holes when it's unwarranted, you need to learn what you've been negatively conditioned to falsely believe about yourself and/or others. And there's just so much to it.
I still enjoy helping people though, and I still have people-pleasing tendencies, but I've just learned to be more selective about it. I rationed, I could spend my time helping a person who hurts me, or I could spend my time helping a charity, and/or those who would appreciate it. Just yesterday after work, I spent a few hours teaching someone a new skill, even buying a starter kit for them so that they can practice on their own and get better at it. And then I gave another person a gift card, since they helped drive me home a few times before, and I just wanted to show them that I appreciated it.
And for those who had hurt me? They get nothing. I cut them out of my life. Those who take and never give anything back except for pain and suffering, and all kinds of other negative things, I don't want their curses, they can keep it. Even for those friends who would feel jealous or berate me for any skill that I have that was valuable, they can find other friends who would take their curses, but I don't want them. I'd much rather spend my time helping those who help others, rather than those who only take from others and never give anything except for negativeity in return.
I really hope that you overcome your adversities and challenges in life, so that you can help those that need your skills, knowledge, and generosity, not those who will hurt you and take all that you have. I hope you develop to have some assertive skills, the ability to say no, to stand up for yourself when that's needed, to have some boundaries with certain people, and to safeguard yourself from people who don't have your best interests in mind. I wish the best for you.
Gosh, I’m really sorry to hear of both of your stories.
I suffer verbal abuse pretty much daily. Everything about my life looks great on the surface but they reality is far from. Im in a 27yr relationship, 2 children one of which we recently found out is autistic. I too believe I am autistic as well. My wife has a very good job, I am self employed and generally sort the kids out as my wife works long hours. I somehow find time to renovate our own house as well. I get treated and spoken to terribly which really has turned me into an empty shell. One day I hope to be free but my children come first and I need to be here for them.
Where did it all go wrong??
I have to say that I remember my mother constantly talking down and berating my father, and that has an impact on us children, and how we ended up treating people later on in life.
When a spouse constantly berates their partner, that has always confused me. I mean, they chose to marry because they love each other, so how could they treat someone they love so badly? And then choose to have kids together with them too? Why did they want innocent children to see them yelling and berating their partner like that? Weird. Just absolutely weird behavior.
Hopefully you and your wife can sort something out, so that she isn't working so many hours, and that the finances will still be alright.
You can only do so much for others, until you need to recharge. People should appreciate anything you do for them, and you should also appreciate what others do for you. I think that's only healthy. But I would not like it if someone starts treating me badly, because they expected me to do something for them that I don't have the energy to do.I mean, it's one thing to do nice things for others, it's another thing to be forced into doing something because that's what's expected of you. Do they want an actual human being that loves them, or an emotionless robot that serves them?
The making of the bed and lying in it, confuses me too. Sleeping in a comfy made bed, should not be a consequence of some sort.