I feel like not fully grown up/mature

Does anyone else feel like this? It’s so hard to regulate emotions after someone screamed at me or I had a misunderstanding and feel like a total idiot and loser for not understanding or asking questions. Strong light, sounds of scanners, people talking and laughing loud, strollers being moved on the floor and many other sounds that usually don’t make me feel disregulated today made me crazy and crying I had to hide so no one sees me crying. It was so hard to calm down and soothe myself. I pressed my forehead with my hands and sat for few minutes. This is why I feel like a child in an adult body. Terribly embarrassing. I’m high functioning- I’m a child functioning in adult world and trying to cope. Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, experience, stories to share, I’ll be happy. 

  • That's a good point. I think maybe I decided not to pursue a formal diagnosis partly because I thought it might make me appear vulnerable. I've always felt that I'm quite an independent person - I don't really like asking for help, and as I've had problems in the past with people not taking me seriously, I might have subconsciously thought it would make that worse. 

    Luckily I've now had some years to get used to the idea of being on the spectrum, and I've got old enough not to care what anybody thinks of me.

  • I often wonder if we are allowing ourselves to be stereotyped and labelled as “vulnerable” which could attract and invite negative attitudes towards us, by those who insist on condescending attitudes and “talking down to” us and invalidating our opinions just because of our autism, especially post-diagnosis - this is yet another reason why I firmly believe and maintain that post-diagnosis assessments are absolutely essential, crucial and vital for us to identify both our level of autism and levels of appropriate autism post-diagnostic support required, enabling us to to both move forward in life and  identify a clear sense of self 

  • Enjoy the younger outlook. Good for you. 

  • I have been a crier right from the off according to my mum. She said she used to worry about me a lot because I would cry at anything. Nowadays it depends where my head is at and although I could easily cry at anything I can keep it in but it’s a huge battle internally, then there are days that I’m a terrible mess. My upset is usually a high amount of empathy for others or the link between music and memories. 

  • Not just child-like, but like you, I’m aware in being child-like and that it’s inappropriate and so I must mask. What I want to do is respond like a child would, but I try to “adult it out” and that leaves me exhausted. And so I totally understand your need to let it all out, like a child, and just cry. No doubt at all that it helps. 

  • Holding my head in my hands is something I do as well whilst covering my eyes. I never thought of this as soothing myself but I guess it is. 
    The same regulating myself as you do HyperHommie , I go into my garage with the lights off where it’s very quiet and minimal light and I love it, that’s my safe space. 

  • As an older gay man, I get told all the time, even before I was diagnosed, that I’m immature, as we gay men get told constantly that we have the “Peter pan syndrome” but through watching episodes of Ru Paul’s Drag Race and listening to what the queens have to say in the Werkroom and on the Main Stage, I’ve learned to embrace this part of myself, as being “immature” can be an advantage in some situations - I’ve went out to gay and straight clubs with some straight family members much younger than me, as I have a very young outlook on life and even at age 53, I can still “turn it out” on the dancefloor and I’ve gained a lot of straight friends this way in my home village in Ireland 

  • i feel like you just described my own experience and feelings. Thank you for your response in this post!

  • Yes me too. Child like and vulnetable but most of the time capable. 

  • Life isn't to be taken seriously - it's to be enjoyed as much as possible! Slight smile

    You can cook lots of stuff in the microwave though, or heat up ready cooked chilled foods like sausage rolls, chicken legs, etc. And there are lots of good ready meals in Iceland - their "takeaway" curries and cheap lasagnes are very tasty.I

    I don't believe anybody really "grows up". I think it's a mask - people are faking it, either because they want others to listen to and.follow their ideas, or because they're scared of not being taken seriously if they act like the child they still are in their mind.

  • I struggle with those too, because I don't know what they're like and what they could do to me. If I'm with someone, then that's a different story.

  • I’m generally not confrontational but there are exceptions.

    1, if it’s a stranger and they are rude to me

    2, if a stranger is really up close in my space 

    3, if a stranger nicks my car park space

    4, if a stranger tries to push in front of me 

    I don’t do confrontation with people I’m familiar with (accept my wife who I have to be ready at all times for) 

  • Yeah, I start to spiral if someone is rude to me. Even if they don't realise, because I can't physically confront them.

  • I can microwave stuff but using a cooker or an oven is a no-no. I can make a sandwich etc. I never really have taken it seriously though.

    Admittedly my mum doesn't do much in the way of ironing our clothes either. And I don't wear shoes with shoelaces as a rule! Smiley

    But I think it's more of an internal thing of "I'm not grown up enough".

  • I do adult things but don't feel like an adult at all, a lot of people say I'm very childlike. I recently had a major meltdown, which was burnout-induced, and regressed a lot, struggling to do certain things that I've always been able to do. This includes any socialising, booking appointments, being independent, having to be accompanied everywhere...

    it's a weird feeling as I can drive, I work full-time, I'm married, and I am saving up to buy my first house. Yet I struggle to do things that most people can do without hesitation. I too struggle to manage my emotions, and find it hard to cope with bright lights, strong smells, and other sensory stuff. I usually just mask my feelings until I'm at home where I can either let it all out or spend some time doing the things I enjoy to forget about it. 

    I also dissociate a lot and feel like I'm not fully in control of my body, and like I'm just a passenger watching behind my eyes.

  • Thank you for your answer it’s good to know I’m not alone feeling like this 

  • Hi

    I am sorry that I don’t have any advice but can relate to your post in a big way. I have always thought of myself as a vulnerable child like adult. Don’t get me wrong I manage to get by but it baffles me at how all the responsibility of being an adult doesn’t seem to affect Nt’s. 
    I often get told my responses are somewhat child like. 

  • You put it in words perfectly! I absolutely relate to this too! 

  • Yes! I used to hide under my desk like this. It’s so lovely you had your cozy space! I dreamed of it. I wanted to have such a place at school to hide from the noise that other kids made. For some reason teachers were obsessed to have me playing with them and used to force me. The result was opposite to the desired. 

  • I used to have pride in the fact that I never cried... until I hit about 23 and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Now I cry at everything. Good tears, angry tears, happy tears.. It's exhausting sometimes, but it feels best to just get it all out and just let myself feel like a mess for a little while.