My new girlfriend has Austism and...

Wow, what a very thoughtful reply!  Thank you very much Lizard Queen.

My GF has been told MANY times that mental health care is a postcode lottery and it's something that she will scream at if someone says it to her again.  It's been mentioned that many times to her it's actually quite damaging as far as we're concerned.

Funds don't worry me - I'm sensible with money and I have more than enough saved to live off those for quite a while.  Although not having a job to go to isn't ideal, I am willing to take the risk.  There is 1 place close to her that I've applied to, but they never got back to me.  I working on a possible 6month contract.

I am more than happy to talk with a therapist if I feel I need one.

Thank you once again.  Your reply is very much appreciated.

Golly - what an excellent exposition of advice and knowledge and clarity.

Nice to meet you Lizard Queen.

Kind regards

Number.

PS....#NAS90435 ---- I haven't really kept up with this thread, but did read and reflect on everything that you said when you originally posted and have viewed various responses since.  For what it's worth mate, "what she said."  Verbatim, I could not say it better !

It's awful that your girl friend is going through such a hard time without professional support. From what I have heard from others and my own experiences of mental health services, it's a bit like a postcode lottery. You either get a really good team, or not so great. Others have given you great advice, and although it shows great commitment that you want to help her, don't sacrifice your own health. It can really take a toll on your own health having to help others get through their own struggles, especially if they frequently need help. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be helped, they should be helped. But just be aware of how you're feeling, as from what I gather from your posts you're very focused on her and potentially will disregard your own struggles.

Just something that concerns me is what I have quoted below. 

NAS90435 said:

I'm fully prepared to quit my job and move down there without having secured employment just so we can be together

It doesn't make logical sense to me that someone would do this, moving somewhere without securing employment, how would this work? Questions like where would you live, if you have to pay for bills and rent, where will this money come from, if you have savings how long can this realistically last, what happens if you run out of funds and have no where to live, how will this impact your career growth, is there actually any jobs closer to where she lives you can do? 

I understand that you want to do anything possible for you girl friend to help her, but you can't do it alone. Make use of the people she lives close to, make a plan to sensibly move closer in the future, make a plan together (when she isn't in distress) on things you and her can do to make things easier for both of you when either of you are struggling. I worry that you may make rash decisions for someone you haven't known for that long. I assume it's a fairly new relationship given you said "new" girl friend. From what I've read online about relationships, it's normal to have some level of infatuation at the beginning of relationships which may cause you to make these rash decisions, and further down the line you may regret these.

Again, I'm not saying don't help her. Just make sure you think about the long term effects your decisions may have. Try and devise plans on how to help during times of struggles. Reach out to people close to her, make them aware of the frequency of these times of distress. Try and find a therapist, maybe you could even find a couples therapist so she doesn't have to go alone since she's had bad experiences she may be more open to trying with someone else with her. They could give good tips to both of you, which will help your relationship in the long run. Take care of yourself too. 

I hope they shed some light on the situation for you. and that thye help you find the help you need.

I'm glad that your wife helped you out when you needed it the most. Mental health is really important. I'm glad you are still here to help others with similar issues. 

We have really great conversations so she can easily verbalize what I need to do.  I can get a bit flustered during the arguments and I don't always think clearly and sometimes respond badly or not at all.

Thank you very much for those links Uhane.  Much appreciated!

She's tried and tried and tried to seek help.  It doesn't seem to exist.  The main 'professional' body that could help her seem to think that her situation isn't serious enough!!!  It honestly defies logic.

Thank you very much for your reply!

I'm trying to learn all I can but there is a lot!!  I definitely feel better equipped as each week goes by, but I do still forget things which really annoys me - probably because I'm very self critical.

I have contacted her parents in the past to try and help and they do a really great job.  The live very close which is a great comfort to me.

My plan is to move to where she is so we can live together.  I'm fully prepared to quit my job and move down there without having secured employment just so we can be together.

I've never been all that happy until meeting my GF, which is why I want to do all I can to keep her safe so we have a long and happy life together.

That's really very kind of you Tallywallywoo, thank you very much!

It does seem like listening works a good deal.  I have no problem listening, but sometimes my biggest problem is saying how I feel or replying to something that is difficult to comprehend/visualize.

The most frustrating part of this whole situation is just how useless the 'professionals' have been.  They don't listen at all to what my GF is and isn't able to do.

It's funny because I've never really cared about myself - I just want (and need) my GF to be happy and safe.

I'm so sorry you are both finding yourself in such a terrible time and situation. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help support her and be there for her during these difficult times under the circumstances.

Very often just being there and listening is the best tool to have. A listening ear and a shoulder to cry on is a support in itself and though she might not realise it right now I expect it is helping.

You sound a very lovely person and she is lucky to have you. Please look after yourself as well. I really do hope things start to get better soon. I'm thinking of you both and will keep you in my thoughts.

Ask her to write it down for you. that is also a very healing experience.

this will probably get worse before it gets better, as all the issues get dragged upto the surface. pasence and loving suport may be your key role for a while.

It is one thing trying to do your utmost best for you Partner, very Loyal,
just never sacrifice your own happiness and future in the process if it just a " One way street "
Wishing you the very best.
M.M

I cannot claim to know much about PMDD, just that it is a severe form of PMS, which can cause females who have it to feel suicidal. There is a UK soap opera that has been raising awareness of PMDD. The female character does not have the added 'complications' of autism or ADHD, but it is clear how much of a struggle it is for her to live with the PMDD symptoms, in addition to the effect they have on her family and friends.

To be living with PMDD, in addition to ASD and ADHD... Well, all I can say is that I feel a great deal of sympathy for your girlfriend, and also for you. Whilst I think it is heart-warming that you want to be the man your girlfriend needs you to be, and that you don't want to let her down, I feel this may require considerable patience and understanding on your part.

If you truly believe you can commit to providing your girlfriend with the patience and understanding she will require long-term, then my advice would be to equip yourself with as much knowledge as possible about ASD, ADHD, and PMDD.

You have stated that you don't live local to your girlfriend. If she has a close relationship with her family, or she has close friendships with people that can be relied upon in a crisis, then I would urge her to make use of their support. Similar to what others have said, if you have grave concerns about your girlfriend's mental health and well-being, don't be afraid to raise the alarm with them (her family and/or friends). If they live close to her, I am sure they would not mind giving you peace of mind by popping around to check on her.

I can only speak for myself... When I have been in relationships, the first person I naturally wanted to turn to for emotional support was the person I was in the relationship with. In my case, I have never experienced feeling suicidal whilst in a relationship, nor the desire to self-harm. I should add that I've never been in a relationship with someone who lived more than a thirty-minute drive away. Therefore, if you are your girlfriend's No.1 preference when she requires emotional support, then she may be reluctant to want to accept it from anyone else... especially if she has been let down in the past and finds it difficult to trust people.

These are just my thoughts on the matter.

I’m not too sure my friend. I think she needs help going by what you’re describing but she needs to seek that you can’t do it for her. I’ve never had a girlfriend that had suicidal thoughts. So I struggle to imagine what that would be like. It must be hard though. 

You can still, even if you don't leave, call out for help to others who know your partner and research various avenues for professional help available to them. The important thing is to not become isolated your self. Find a therapist for yourself to guide you through this choppy sea if you decide to stay so you have someone else to talk to about this besides your partner. talking just to your partner will set up a negative feedback loop.

I wish you all the strength you can muster! I have been where you are and it can suck you in.

Here is some good info to arm you in your journey

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-my-partner-threatens-suicide/

here is a book that is invaluable!

https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-Recognizing-Psychological/dp/099862134X

Good hunting.

Please reread more carefully and you will see that what you imply is not what I said.

A big part of the problem is that the help isn't there to help her!  The so called professional organisations have been a complete let down.

And while I'm grateful for your reply, I'm not giving up.  I would rather stick at it than give up - that's not who I am.