Published on 12, July, 2020
...ADHD and PMDD.
My girlfriend and I have had a mostly amazing start to our relationship, albeit with a few meltdowns and shutdowns along the way. As an NT person, I'm trying to understand as much as possible, but there are times where I feel completely useless (right now as I type this) because I don't know how to handle the situation properly or know the right things to say. Particularly when my GF tells me she's depressed and wants to kill herself.
I've been told that I'm not listening but I'm trying to. I don't feel like I have the tools to know what I have to do.
I know I can't ask someone to give me answers as that would be impossible, but I was hoping someone might be able to point me in the direction of where I can find information on the tools I need to deal with the tough situations. I want to be the man my GF needs me to be - I don't want to let her down.
Any help would be much appreciated!
Thank you.
It's awful that your girl friend is going through such a hard time without professional support. From what I have heard from others and my own experiences of mental health services, it's a bit like a postcode lottery. You either get a really good team, or not so great. Others have given you great advice, and although it shows great commitment that you want to help her, don't sacrifice your own health. It can really take a toll on your own health having to help others get through their own struggles, especially if they frequently need help. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be helped, they should be helped. But just be aware of how you're feeling, as from what I gather from your posts you're very focused on her and potentially will disregard your own struggles.
Just something that concerns me is what I have quoted below.
NAS90435 said:I'm fully prepared to quit my job and move down there without having secured employment just so we can be together
It doesn't make logical sense to me that someone would do this, moving somewhere without securing employment, how would this work? Questions like where would you live, if you have to pay for bills and rent, where will this money come from, if you have savings how long can this realistically last, what happens if you run out of funds and have no where to live, how will this impact your career growth, is there actually any jobs closer to where she lives you can do?
I understand that you want to do anything possible for you girl friend to help her, but you can't do it alone. Make use of the people she lives close to, make a plan to sensibly move closer in the future, make a plan together (when she isn't in distress) on things you and her can do to make things easier for both of you when either of you are struggling. I worry that you may make rash decisions for someone you haven't known for that long. I assume it's a fairly new relationship given you said "new" girl friend. From what I've read online about relationships, it's normal to have some level of infatuation at the beginning of relationships which may cause you to make these rash decisions, and further down the line you may regret these.
Again, I'm not saying don't help her. Just make sure you think about the long term effects your decisions may have. Try and devise plans on how to help during times of struggles. Reach out to people close to her, make them aware of the frequency of these times of distress. Try and find a therapist, maybe you could even find a couples therapist so she doesn't have to go alone since she's had bad experiences she may be more open to trying with someone else with her. They could give good tips to both of you, which will help your relationship in the long run. Take care of yourself too.
Wow, what a very thoughtful reply! Thank you very much Lizard Queen.
My GF has been told MANY times that mental health care is a postcode lottery and it's something that she will scream at if someone says it to her again. It's been mentioned that many times to her it's actually quite damaging as far as we're concerned.
Funds don't worry me - I'm sensible with money and I have more than enough saved to live off those for quite a while. Although not having a job to go to isn't ideal, I am willing to take the risk. There is 1 place close to her that I've applied to, but they never got back to me. I working on a possible 6month contract.
I am more than happy to talk with a therapist if I feel I need one.
Thank you once again. Your reply is very much appreciated.