Published on 12, July, 2020
...ADHD and PMDD.
My girlfriend and I have had a mostly amazing start to our relationship, albeit with a few meltdowns and shutdowns along the way. As an NT person, I'm trying to understand as much as possible, but there are times where I feel completely useless (right now as I type this) because I don't know how to handle the situation properly or know the right things to say. Particularly when my GF tells me she's depressed and wants to kill herself.
I've been told that I'm not listening but I'm trying to. I don't feel like I have the tools to know what I have to do.
I know I can't ask someone to give me answers as that would be impossible, but I was hoping someone might be able to point me in the direction of where I can find information on the tools I need to deal with the tough situations. I want to be the man my GF needs me to be - I don't want to let her down.
Any help would be much appreciated!
Thank you.
I cannot claim to know much about PMDD, just that it is a severe form of PMS, which can cause females who have it to feel suicidal. There is a UK soap opera that has been raising awareness of PMDD. The female character does not have the added 'complications' of autism or ADHD, but it is clear how much of a struggle it is for her to live with the PMDD symptoms, in addition to the effect they have on her family and friends.
To be living with PMDD, in addition to ASD and ADHD... Well, all I can say is that I feel a great deal of sympathy for your girlfriend, and also for you. Whilst I think it is heart-warming that you want to be the man your girlfriend needs you to be, and that you don't want to let her down, I feel this may require considerable patience and understanding on your part.
If you truly believe you can commit to providing your girlfriend with the patience and understanding she will require long-term, then my advice would be to equip yourself with as much knowledge as possible about ASD, ADHD, and PMDD.
You have stated that you don't live local to your girlfriend. If she has a close relationship with her family, or she has close friendships with people that can be relied upon in a crisis, then I would urge her to make use of their support. Similar to what others have said, if you have grave concerns about your girlfriend's mental health and well-being, don't be afraid to raise the alarm with them (her family and/or friends). If they live close to her, I am sure they would not mind giving you peace of mind by popping around to check on her.
I can only speak for myself... When I have been in relationships, the first person I naturally wanted to turn to for emotional support was the person I was in the relationship with. In my case, I have never experienced feeling suicidal whilst in a relationship, nor the desire to self-harm. I should add that I've never been in a relationship with someone who lived more than a thirty-minute drive away. Therefore, if you are your girlfriend's No.1 preference when she requires emotional support, then she may be reluctant to want to accept it from anyone else... especially if she has been let down in the past and finds it difficult to trust people.
These are just my thoughts on the matter.
Thank you very much for your reply!
I'm trying to learn all I can but there is a lot!! I definitely feel better equipped as each week goes by, but I do still forget things which really annoys me - probably because I'm very self critical.
I have contacted her parents in the past to try and help and they do a really great job. The live very close which is a great comfort to me.
My plan is to move to where she is so we can live together. I'm fully prepared to quit my job and move down there without having secured employment just so we can be together.