• Replies 48 replies
  • Subscribers 98 subscribers
  • Views 8844 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Wishing you weren't autistic

HMO

Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me. 

Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.

These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.

As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.

Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.

Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.

I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.

I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.

  • As they say: ‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’. 
    It’s never too late to try to  turn your life around. 
    The past is gone - let it go and move on. You can’t change it - but you can learn from it. Think about how you want to live NOW.

    we often spend so much of our lives weighed down by the baggage of the past - forgive yourself for your mistakes - we all make mistakes. 
    Focus on what you enjoy, focus on your strengths. It’s easy to forget all the positives when we’re feeling battered and bruised by life, but it is possible to change our perspective in time to a more positive view of ourselves. 
    You can ‘start again’ - starting from today :) 

  • I think it depends on how things are going, for me in my life. Sometimes I'm doing really well, and I love being autistic because I'm enjoying the good things it's bringing and allows me to do.

    Other times I hate it and feel it's more of a curse. This year I went through an awkward relationship with a man and I hated myself for being autistic, as my difficulties with people partially ruining my chances with him.

    Life is hard, it's extra hard with autism.

    Sometimes I wish I was dead other times I love this life.

  • It’s a hard question, I know the last 50+ years were worse not knowing I’m autistic, the same struggles still exist but I now know much better how to cope in the outside world. I’m more conscious of things like masking in public, l  almost have an inner giggle when I realise how I have portrayed myself in front of others and realised afterwards that I was on automatic pilot.

    Not being autistic would make me a totally different person, the depression, anxiety or general struggles may not be different, there are so  many who struggle with these things and aren’t autistic, or are there others who slipped through the net?

    I'm lucky that I found a partner at a young age, I lived at home and then have only ever lived with my wife. That hasn’t been easy, my wife has put up with an autistic person who didn’t know he was. What I have realised is that I’m actually incapable of living alone, never had to do it but now know how my wife makes sure that things are paid for and everything is sorted, I would just be an ostrich with my head buried in the sand. On balance knowing at a young age in the 70’s or 80’s wouldn’t have helped, I’m not like the man in the Dustin Hoffman film, it’s almost like not mentioning the Scottish Play!

    As a foot note, I grew up with no social media, that made life much easier. 

  • in reply to Martin

    My liver may certainly have benefited if I had been diagnosed before I started university.

  • In some ways I am glad that I was not diagnosed as a child. I think that I might have used it as an excuse not to try my hardest at things I was not naturally good at. Perhaps the ideal time for me to be diagnosed would have been between A levels and starting university.

  • If I new then what I know now regarding my autism I would have known my limitations enabling me to make objective decisions that I could recognise as being doomed to failure like getting married. I too would have had a different but shorter life. My older brother died a confirmed batchelor at the young age of 51. I too would likely have died at a similar age joining the early death statistics of batchelorhood. I'm not good for any woman with my inability to display affection or to read emotions. How my second and current wife has put up with me for so long is a wonder. I have this deeply ingrained fear of rejection I have had all my life. There were many occasions where I fought against this fear by intentionally placing myself in uncomfortable situations. They never had a positive outcome. Had I been diagnosed at an early stage I could have saved women from me. I am tired of fighting rejection.  For the record, I respect women, and would never consider using violence or intimidation. 

  • I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 50. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had been diagnosed at the age of 21 say but I’ve never wished I wasn’t autistic or bipolar.