Wishing you weren't autistic

Yep. I always would downplay any achievements.

I wish I could make amends but it's hard accepting that it's likely just not possible. 

I think everyone is their own worst critic, we don't see ourselves the way other people do, the achievements go under the radar almost blind to us.

I've spent a lot of time wishing I could start again, which is crazy as I know it's impossible but I still long for it.

No... I don't wish that. I'm sorry that I didn't realise sooner though, it would have saved me a lot of fear, doubt and pain, as I struggled to cope in a world in which I absolutely didn't fit, assuming that there was something very wrong with me, for which I was somehow responsible- as I had been told since childhood. I tried, without great success, to 'fit in' as I had been constantly told I must - although none of it really made sense to me, if I'm honest. I was forever playing a role, masking as I now know - and it just became an exhausting part of life. I had a lot to hide - acute social anxiety, fear of entering unfamiliar spaces - it could take me days to do it sometimes, if I managed it at all - and a 'antisocial' desire for solitude and the space and time to do what interested me (which never included others). Intelligence - nobody wanted that, so I hid that too, to avoid further persecution. 

Understanding that I'm autistic has made sense of pretty much everything 'different' about me, so actually, I'm happy about it. 

Now, I can finally be myself. 

Yes, I always feel like I'm being a complete idiot and pressing people's buttons and generally doing my best to be banished from the category of human being into something lesser - so losing that sense of belonging.

As you say much better than I could:

"I feel like I'm no longer welcome in the world" -

that is such a well-balanced way of phrasing the situation, as is the phrase:

"I'm still grappling with it"

So, though your world is split in half you are still not losing hope or going to the dark side, whatever that is, but still grappling to find a way through. To me that is wonderful.

I feel you on the last bit. I'm always my own worst critic and I feel like I don't deserve support. I felt I surrendered my right to it with all the screw ups I've made.

I just wish I could start again. 

I went through a somewhat traumatic event earlier in the year which has really split my life in half. It has definitely changed the person I am.

I'm still grappling with it. I feel like I'm no longer welcome in the world as an autistic person because of all those errors I've made.

I appreciate your kind words though.

There seems to be a lot of wisdom, and balance, in the way you talk about your experiences, that you are trying out different things and acknowledging when sometimes you could have done better, and feeling appropriate feelings around that. You may not see it yourself, but to me, you seem like a ray of hope, for the world, for yourself and for autism in general. 

As they say: ‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’. 
It’s never too late to try to  turn your life around. 
The past is gone - let it go and move on. You can’t change it - but you can learn from it. Think about how you want to live NOW.

we often spend so much of our lives weighed down by the baggage of the past - forgive yourself for your mistakes - we all make mistakes. 
Focus on what you enjoy, focus on your strengths. It’s easy to forget all the positives when we’re feeling battered and bruised by life, but it is possible to change our perspective in time to a more positive view of ourselves. 
You can ‘start again’ - starting from today :) 

I think it depends on how things are going, for me in my life. Sometimes I'm doing really well, and I love being autistic because I'm enjoying the good things it's bringing and allows me to do.

Other times I hate it and feel it's more of a curse. This year I went through an awkward relationship with a man and I hated myself for being autistic, as my difficulties with people partially ruining my chances with him.

Life is hard, it's extra hard with autism.

Sometimes I wish I was dead other times I love this life.

I would be glad to trade both legs for a NT brain. My ASD made me waste endless opportunities for happiness and success. At least, if I were legless nobody would contest my disability and claim that I am faking it.

It’s a hard question, I know the last 50+ years were worse not knowing I’m autistic, the same struggles still exist but I now know much better how to cope in the outside world. I’m more conscious of things like masking in public, l  almost have an inner giggle when I realise how I have portrayed myself in front of others and realised afterwards that I was on automatic pilot.

Not being autistic would make me a totally different person, the depression, anxiety or general struggles may not be different, there are so  many who struggle with these things and aren’t autistic, or are there others who slipped through the net?

I'm lucky that I found a partner at a young age, I lived at home and then have only ever lived with my wife. That hasn’t been easy, my wife has put up with an autistic person who didn’t know he was. What I have realised is that I’m actually incapable of living alone, never had to do it but now know how my wife makes sure that things are paid for and everything is sorted, I would just be an ostrich with my head buried in the sand. On balance knowing at a young age in the 70’s or 80’s wouldn’t have helped, I’m not like the man in the Dustin Hoffman film, it’s almost like not mentioning the Scottish Play!

As a foot note, I grew up with no social media, that made life much easier. 

My liver may certainly have benefited if I had been diagnosed before I started university.

In some ways I am glad that I was not diagnosed as a child. I think that I might have used it as an excuse not to try my hardest at things I was not naturally good at. Perhaps the ideal time for me to be diagnosed would have been between A levels and starting university.

If I new then what I know now regarding my autism I would have known my limitations enabling me to make objective decisions that I could recognise as being doomed to failure like getting married. I too would have had a different but shorter life. My older brother died a confirmed batchelor at the young age of 51. I too would likely have died at a similar age joining the early death statistics of batchelorhood. I'm not good for any woman with my inability to display affection or to read emotions. How my second and current wife has put up with me for so long is a wonder. I have this deeply ingrained fear of rejection I have had all my life. There were many occasions where I fought against this fear by intentionally placing myself in uncomfortable situations. They never had a positive outcome. Had I been diagnosed at an early stage I could have saved women from me. I am tired of fighting rejection.  For the record, I respect women, and would never consider using violence or intimidation. 

I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 50. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had been diagnosed at the age of 21 say but I’ve never wished I wasn’t autistic or bipolar.